This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
Previously we drove into the first piece: Your Good Heart. This week we’ll look at the second one – KID LOGIC. Most patterns we repeat began long ago in childhood. Therefore, these behaviors have their origins in a naive, less mature perspective. This vantage point is called “kid logic.” You chose a solution based on what worked and made sense as a kid.
It’s not surprising then, if sometimes you question why you respond the ways you do or wonder why your reaction feels incongruent with who you really are. Your reaction is couched in the coping skills of a child, not as the capable adult and divine being you really are. So if you find yourself shutting down or using a small, high voice when things aren’t going the way you’d like, you probably found that to be an effective strategy as a toddler or unrestrained child. If you respond to disapproval, disappointment or anger by walking on eggs shells, you probably experienced fear or rejection as a child.
People Pleasing is connected to all or nothing thinking. Again this is a hallmark of kid logic. It makes perfect sense that a child would fear being abandoned if they fall out of favor with important, powerful adults. Children believe if they displease people, rejection will be permanent. Kids conclude they are at risk to be lost, alone and unloved forever. Kid Logic connects approval to survival. As a result, kids will do anything to please their parents if they feel the threat of rejection looming.
Left unchecked, People Pleasers brings Kid Logic forward into adulthood. Do you find yourself jumping to defend one or both of your parents? Do you feel an inner pull to protect or save your children, spouse or partner? Do you go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disappointing others?
This is a sure sign that you scrambled to keep your parents happy, learned to take the blame when they became upset or carried the responsibility of caretaking the emotional needs of others as a child. Kid logic has hitched a ride along the way to show up in your adult dealing too, even though you’re so much more capable now then you were as a kid. A child needs to know they are loved unconditionally to avoid the snares of people pleasing and other dysfunctional traps. Most parents, teachers and other adults aren’t equipped to help kids comply with household or classroom rules or religious standards without placing conditions upon the child’s innate goodness. Even if the parent only means to modify behavior, they leave children with the message that they are acceptable only if they obey. This is to say nothering of the scars left by adults who intentionally abuse their power over children.
The buttons parents press to motivate their children to comply are the same soft spots that leave People Pleasers open to peer pressure in the future. The seeds of People Pleasing are planted early and continue to sprout.
Because children are designed to blame themselves, you may have learned to question if you are lovable and worthy. Kids are preprogrammed to conclude:
•“I’m a bad, stupid kid. I deserved to get hit (yelled at, rejected, ignored, put down, etc.). If I was good they wouldn’t have to punish me.”
•“I’m mad at my parents (or feel unprotected) but I can’t show it, so I have to shove my anger and sadness inside.”
•“My parents don’t seem to be able to take care of things around here very well. I better step up and be strong or we’re all in serious trouble.”
Kid Logic lures you to become hypercritical of yourself. When you encounter a difficult situation you may automatically revert to how you’ve handled a situation that made you feel uncomfortable in the past. Remember you have SO many more tools and emotional resources available to you now than you did when you were a kid.
How to Disconnect Kid Logic: Rather than use old habits that kid logic tries to entice you to employ, imagine how you would have handled a tough situation from childhood knowing all you know now. Replay that scenario in your mind using the coping skills you have now that you’ve grown up. This process cuts the ties to these old habits.
When Kid Logic tempts you to use old patterns to solve your current challenges, remember you don’t have to revert of the knee jerk solutions you picked up as a kid. You can move forward with your best foot forward and most mature approach.
When you check Kid Logic at the door you’ll stop stumbling over old ways of being and open the door to your best life!
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