This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
Previously we drove into the first piece: Your Good Heart. This week we’ll look at the second one – KID LOGIC. Most patterns we repeat began long ago in childhood. Therefore, these behaviors have their origins in a naive, less mature perspective. This vantage point is called “kid logic.” You chose a solution based on what worked and made sense as a kid.
It’s not surprising then, if sometimes you question why you respond the ways you do or wonder why your reaction feels incongruent with who you really are. Your reaction is couched in the coping skills of a child, not as the capable adult and divine being you really are. So if you find yourself shutting down or using a small, high voice when things aren’t going the way you’d like, you probably found that to be an effective strategy as a toddler or unrestrained child. If you respond to disapproval, disappointment or anger by walking on eggs shells, you probably experienced fear or rejection as a child.
People Pleasing is connected to all or nothing thinking. Again this is a hallmark of kid logic. It makes perfect sense that a child would fear being abandoned if they fall out of favor with important, powerful adults. Children believe if they displease people, rejection will be permanent. Kids conclude they are at risk to be lost, alone and unloved forever. Kid Logic connects approval to survival. As a result, kids will do anything to please their parents if they feel the threat of rejection looming.
Left unchecked, People Pleasers brings Kid Logic forward into adulthood. Do you find yourself jumping to defend one or both of your parents? Do you feel an inner pull to protect or save your children, spouse or partner? Do you go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disappointing others?
This is a sure sign that you scrambled to keep your parents happy, learned to take the blame when they became upset or carried the responsibility of caretaking the emotional needs of others as a child. Kid logic has hitched a ride along the way to show up in your adult dealing too, even though you’re so much more capable now then you were as a kid. A child needs to know they are loved unconditionally to avoid the snares of people pleasing and other dysfunctional traps. Most parents, teachers and other adults aren’t equipped to help kids comply with household or classroom rules or religious standards without placing conditions upon the child’s innate goodness. Even if the parent only means to modify behavior, they leave children with the message that they are acceptable only if they obey. This is to say nothering of the scars left by adults who intentionally abuse their power over children.
The buttons parents press to motivate their children to comply are the same soft spots that leave People Pleasers open to peer pressure in the future. The seeds of People Pleasing are planted early and continue to sprout.
Because children are designed to blame themselves, you may have learned to question if you are lovable and worthy. Kids are preprogrammed to conclude:
•“I’m a bad, stupid kid. I deserved to get hit (yelled at, rejected, ignored, put down, etc.). If I was good they wouldn’t have to punish me.”
•“I’m mad at my parents (or feel unprotected) but I can’t show it, so I have to shove my anger and sadness inside.”
•“My parents don’t seem to be able to take care of things around here very well. I better step up and be strong or we’re all in serious trouble.”
Kid Logic lures you to become hypercritical of yourself. When you encounter a difficult situation you may automatically revert to how you’ve handled a situation that made you feel uncomfortable in the past. Remember you have SO many more tools and emotional resources available to you now than you did when you were a kid.
How to Disconnect Kid Logic: Rather than use old habits that kid logic tries to entice you to employ, imagine how you would have handled a tough situation from childhood knowing all you know now. Replay that scenario in your mind using the coping skills you have now that you’ve grown up. This process cuts the ties to these old habits.
When Kid Logic tempts you to use old patterns to solve your current challenges, remember you don’t have to revert of the knee jerk solutions you picked up as a kid. You can move forward with your best foot forward and most mature approach.
When you check Kid Logic at the door you’ll stop stumbling over old ways of being and open the door to your best life!
Showing posts with label People Pleaser. Show all posts
Showing posts with label People Pleaser. Show all posts
Monday, May 2, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Are You On Steroids?
Understanding how and why you became a Pleaseaholic will help you move forward. We covered the Pleaseaholic Formula in broad strokes before.
THE PLEASEAHOLIC FORMULA:
GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss=Pleaseaholic
Now let's explore the perfect storm that converges to create a Pleaseaholic by breaking down the formula into its component parts. First, let’s look at the first element…Good Heart.
GH = GOOD HEART
When you really think about it People Pleasing is such a wonderfully generous, kind-hearted reaction. It's actually cooperation on steroids. You could have chosen any number of ways to solve your problems along the way, and you picked extreme cooperation and generousity. That says a lot about the core of who you are and the intrinsic kindness that exists in your heart.
Remind yourself of your good heart when you find yourself People Pleasing. Empathize with the little fearful child inside of you that's only seeking safety, security and shelter. Consider the love and nurturing he or she needs so much more than another round of criticism.
When you struggle to say no and set boundaries, the adult version of yourself isn’t in charge. A scared, wounded child has hijacked the situation. If you encountered a frightened, lost child in the mall, would you criticize and yell at her, or offer comfort, support and reassurance? Extend yourself the same compassion and kindness. You deserve it just as much as that sweet little one.
Use your good heart to be kind, compassionate and loving to yourself.
Give yourself credit for being such a good person. Refuse to listen as your inner tape entices you to discount your actions because sometimes you made the choise to please others out of fear. That DOES NOT make you weak. It takes much greater strength to be flexible and generous than brash and aggressive. By your very nature you operate from a loving, kind, generous place. Remember…of all the options you had to manage your life, you chose cooperation on steroids.
Stop for a second and really soak that up. Say outloud: “At my core I am a wonderful, generous person.” (Yes, you must actually say it outloud. There’s something powerful connected to speaking the words.)
Act First: Write this statement on Post-Its and note cards and place them around your home, car, wallet, office…any where you spend time so you are surrounded by reminders of your good heart. Repeat the statement out loud whenever it comes into view.
“We do what we know how to do. When we know better we do better.”
Dr. Maya Angelou
You did what you knew how to do when you were young to try to make sense of and feel safe in your surroundings. It’s no coincidence you’re reading this right now. You’ve sensed now is the time to learn something better so you can do something better. Every experience you’ve had on your journey so far and brought you to this moment.
This is your time! Begin your best life today!
THE PLEASEAHOLIC FORMULA:
GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss=Pleaseaholic
Now let's explore the perfect storm that converges to create a Pleaseaholic by breaking down the formula into its component parts. First, let’s look at the first element…Good Heart.
GH = GOOD HEART
When you really think about it People Pleasing is such a wonderfully generous, kind-hearted reaction. It's actually cooperation on steroids. You could have chosen any number of ways to solve your problems along the way, and you picked extreme cooperation and generousity. That says a lot about the core of who you are and the intrinsic kindness that exists in your heart.
Remind yourself of your good heart when you find yourself People Pleasing. Empathize with the little fearful child inside of you that's only seeking safety, security and shelter. Consider the love and nurturing he or she needs so much more than another round of criticism.
When you struggle to say no and set boundaries, the adult version of yourself isn’t in charge. A scared, wounded child has hijacked the situation. If you encountered a frightened, lost child in the mall, would you criticize and yell at her, or offer comfort, support and reassurance? Extend yourself the same compassion and kindness. You deserve it just as much as that sweet little one.
Use your good heart to be kind, compassionate and loving to yourself.
Give yourself credit for being such a good person. Refuse to listen as your inner tape entices you to discount your actions because sometimes you made the choise to please others out of fear. That DOES NOT make you weak. It takes much greater strength to be flexible and generous than brash and aggressive. By your very nature you operate from a loving, kind, generous place. Remember…of all the options you had to manage your life, you chose cooperation on steroids.
Stop for a second and really soak that up. Say outloud: “At my core I am a wonderful, generous person.” (Yes, you must actually say it outloud. There’s something powerful connected to speaking the words.)
Act First: Write this statement on Post-Its and note cards and place them around your home, car, wallet, office…any where you spend time so you are surrounded by reminders of your good heart. Repeat the statement out loud whenever it comes into view.
“We do what we know how to do. When we know better we do better.”
Dr. Maya Angelou
You did what you knew how to do when you were young to try to make sense of and feel safe in your surroundings. It’s no coincidence you’re reading this right now. You’ve sensed now is the time to learn something better so you can do something better. Every experience you’ve had on your journey so far and brought you to this moment.
This is your time! Begin your best life today!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The People Pleaser Formula
THE PLEASEAHOLIC FORMULA: GH + KL + MB = PH Understanding how and why you became a Pleaseaholic will help you move forward. This month we’ll explore the perfect storm that converges to create a Pleaseaholic. Understanding this formula will open your eyes to what’s going on, so you can move forward. Today, let’s look at all the components it takes to grow a Pleaseaholic. Then each week of April we’ll dig deeper into each of the pieces of this puzzle to give you a clearer picture of what keeps you stuck. That way you can begin let it go and move forward more quickly. Here’s the Pleaseaholic Formula: GH + KL + MB = PH: Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss=Pleaseaholic
The Pleaseaholic Formula explains WHY we’re driven to People Pleasing. I want to be really clear about why we’re spending any time looking at the “Why.” Answering this question is ONLY important for one reason: I want you to have a better understanding of what enticed you into People Pleasing in the first place. That will make it easier to let yourself off the hook, rather than beat yourself up, when you end of being spread so thin. By understanding why you’ve chosen the path you’re on, you’ll be more able to forgive yourself (and others) and extend yourself kindness, compassion and empathy as you move forward. That way you can side step land mines rather than repeat old patterns. This will NOT be an exercise in blaming others or making excuses. If you’re waiting for whoever launched you onto your Pleaseaholic path to change or apologize so your life can improve, you’re going to waiting a very, very long time. No one deserves to have that kind of power over your life any more. I want you to choose your life deliberately rather than just floating along wherever the current takes you. It would be a disservice to allow or encourage you to make excuses. Blaming others keeps you from all the good stuff that’s available once you shift your mindset.
The Pleaseaholic Formula describes the perfect combination of factors needed to produce a Pleaseaholic. AKA why you’re a Pleaseaholic. The short answer to why you’re a People Pleaser is this: People Pleasing was the best solution you could come up with so far to manage your world. When we encounter a challenge or feel afraid the human brain seeks to solve the problem. Behaviors you use over and over exist because somehow these habits have worked well enough so far. You also stay stuck if you don’t know a better way exists or think taking a different path would be too difficult. There’s always a good reason you’ve chosen the behaviors, thoughts and feelings you’re employing currently…because they’ve worked well enough in the past to survive.
Now it’s time to THRIVE!
People Pleasing costs time, money and joy or causes stress and dysfunction. You’ve decided these consequences are either tolerable or preferable compared to what you fear would happen if you tried something different. You sacrifice your true self and morph into who and what others want you to be.
Even though this is an exorbitant price to pay, Pleaseaholics have been trained long ago that it is better to keep people happy than risk upsetting the apple cart. The fear of what might happen if people around you are upset, trumps the pain of contorting yourself to comply with the needs of others.
The most important thing to remember is you had an infinite number of choices for how to manage the stressors of your life and you chose cooperation on steroids. That says a lots about the wonderful person you are at your core. If that inner critic starts to chirp at you, remember the kindness that fuels your good heart. It takes strength to be as flexible and accommodating as you’ve been. With such a good heart and amazing strength, you can achieve anything!
Friday, November 12, 2010
Who's Your BFF?
I’m still grinning when I think about the wonderful memories created last weekend at Success Unplugged. There’s nothing like being surrounded by that much girl power!
I had the great privilege, not only to speak at this awesome event, but also to attend with my very best friends in the world. It was a true joy to share the day with these wonderful women. It reminded me how very blessed I am to be surrounded by friends who encourage, support and believe in me. These amazing women are an ever-present source of inspiration and love. I felt so happy and grateful to spend the in their presence. Because there is a limitless supply of awesome in the universe, I also had the very good fortune to meet some wonderful new women too, with the promise of future friendships in the making.
Are your friends supportive or toxic? Are you a good friend to yourself?
I was at a women’s business association meeting recently where the guest speaker was a former local news anchor, Margo Meyers. She talked about the important role friendships between women play in a woman’s well being. A recent study indicates that women who have good friendships with other women are happier, less stressed and actually even live longer! What an eye opener!
What’s your support network like? Do you have friends you can lean on? Share joys and sorrows with? Are your friendships supportive, loving and compassionate or toxic, discouraging and imbalanced? If you’re blessed to have great friends, add that to your list of things to be grateful for this Thanksgiving. If not, add “BFF” to your Christmas wish list. Merely acknowledging your desire for divine friendships begins the flow of new, healthier relationships in your direction. Keep your eyes open for the wonderful women who are all around you and begin to cultivate strong, healthy friendships.
The one person you can always count on to be there is YOU! Are you a good friend to yourself? Do you show yourself respect and kindness? I adore the unique blend of traits that makes you a one of a kind work of art. Ironically these same traits are often the things people are most critical of themselves about. It breaks my heart to watch someone put themselves down, or ruthlessly critique their every action or appearance.
Many people treat themselves much more harshly than they would ever consider handling a friend. To align your thoughts with a more positive view of yourself and quiet those critical thoughts, speak to yourself as you would a new friend…someone you’re making a point to connect with. You’ll start attracting inspiring friendships into your life by being a good friend to yourself. Set the example for how you want others to treat you by treating yourself with love, respect and compassion. Offer yourself more loving sentiments so you get to know the wonderful person you actually are. That way you can begin to create deep, loyal, respectful, loving friendships you’ll tresure for a life time.
If you want more ideas and solutions to improve your life, go to www.pleaseaholics.com and get my Free CD, Stop Being So Hard On Yourself! Simple Steps to Becoming Happier and More Produtive. Also available online: The Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System and Marketing & Mindset Money Magent Home Sutdy System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
I had the great privilege, not only to speak at this awesome event, but also to attend with my very best friends in the world. It was a true joy to share the day with these wonderful women. It reminded me how very blessed I am to be surrounded by friends who encourage, support and believe in me. These amazing women are an ever-present source of inspiration and love. I felt so happy and grateful to spend the in their presence. Because there is a limitless supply of awesome in the universe, I also had the very good fortune to meet some wonderful new women too, with the promise of future friendships in the making.
Are your friends supportive or toxic? Are you a good friend to yourself?
I was at a women’s business association meeting recently where the guest speaker was a former local news anchor, Margo Meyers. She talked about the important role friendships between women play in a woman’s well being. A recent study indicates that women who have good friendships with other women are happier, less stressed and actually even live longer! What an eye opener!
What’s your support network like? Do you have friends you can lean on? Share joys and sorrows with? Are your friendships supportive, loving and compassionate or toxic, discouraging and imbalanced? If you’re blessed to have great friends, add that to your list of things to be grateful for this Thanksgiving. If not, add “BFF” to your Christmas wish list. Merely acknowledging your desire for divine friendships begins the flow of new, healthier relationships in your direction. Keep your eyes open for the wonderful women who are all around you and begin to cultivate strong, healthy friendships.
The one person you can always count on to be there is YOU! Are you a good friend to yourself? Do you show yourself respect and kindness? I adore the unique blend of traits that makes you a one of a kind work of art. Ironically these same traits are often the things people are most critical of themselves about. It breaks my heart to watch someone put themselves down, or ruthlessly critique their every action or appearance.
Many people treat themselves much more harshly than they would ever consider handling a friend. To align your thoughts with a more positive view of yourself and quiet those critical thoughts, speak to yourself as you would a new friend…someone you’re making a point to connect with. You’ll start attracting inspiring friendships into your life by being a good friend to yourself. Set the example for how you want others to treat you by treating yourself with love, respect and compassion. Offer yourself more loving sentiments so you get to know the wonderful person you actually are. That way you can begin to create deep, loyal, respectful, loving friendships you’ll tresure for a life time.
If you want more ideas and solutions to improve your life, go to www.pleaseaholics.com and get my Free CD, Stop Being So Hard On Yourself! Simple Steps to Becoming Happier and More Produtive. Also available online: The Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System and Marketing & Mindset Money Magent Home Sutdy System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Can't Say No? Are You Being Selfish?
Ask any recovering Pleaseaholic to name her top 5 challenges and she will always include “I struggle to say no.” on the list. I hope you know you’re not alone! There are so many good reasons and great intentions behind your willingness to be so generous. We don’t want to take away your good heart, but rather keep you from becoming so overwhelmed that you’re no longer effective and helpful.
No matter why saying no is difficult for you, changing how you think about it will help. The sense of obligation to say yes can actually be a very selfish thing. When you say yes to everything, it leaves fewer opportunities for others. By deciding you “should” say yes, even when you don’t really want to, you’re robbing someone else of the opportunity to serve, grow his or her abilities or learn something new. Is the fact that you’d feel guilty if you said no more important than someone else’s desire to contribute? I bet you didn’t even realize you were putting your feelings ahead of the needs of others.
In struggling to say no, you’re also scattering your attention so that your true priorities don’t get the energy and attention they deserve. This often leaves you feeling like you’re working SO HARD to make everything work and everyone happy that you’re running yourself ragged. You’re not able to give your best to the people you care about who truly need you. Even with all that work, you may still feel like you’re not doing anything as well as you’d like. That’s a lose-lose situation.
Remind yourself that it’s not only OK, but better so say no sometimes. You’ll have more energy, better focus and a greater sense of satisfaction because your energies are focused on the things that matter to you most.
Often the habit of saying “yes” gets so engrained that you no longer know what you really want to do. If you don’t trust yourself to pick and choose well, take yourself out of the equation. Just Say No! Say “No” to every new request for your time (going out to lunch with a friend, planning the office holiday party, taking on extra projects, volunteering for a committee, going shopping with your mom, etc.). I usually make this a month-long assignment for my clients, but I want you to just dip your toe in the water to get started.
Your Assignment: Say no to everything for one day. (If you really want to stretch yourself, stick with it for one week. J) I know you may be thinking, “I wouldn’t even know what to say.” Just say, “I’m sorry. I’m making a point to not take on anything new right now. Please ask me again in the future.”
Pay attention to the things you are relieved you have an excuse to say no to. Notice the things you feel you “should” have said yes to. These will make you feel urgent, jumpy, and yucky inside. You may even find yourself picking up the phone to take back your no when the “shoulds” show up. This would be truly selfish because the main reason you’d be saying yes it to make yourself feel better. Stay firm in your no! What did you wish you “could” say yes to. (Do you see the difference between should vs. could?) These are the things you feel exicted and happy about and are disapppointed you’ll miss out on. These are the things you truly want to do.
Your Assignment: On your calendar, journal or notebook, track your reactions to your Just Say No project. Which requests are you relieved to decline? Who asked you to do things you felt you “should” have said yes to? What are you bummed you had to say no to? Do you notice any patterns?
Once the day (or week) is over, you can continue to use the “Just Say No” rule to determine your true feelings about a request. Do more of the things you truly want to do with the people you actually enjoy spending time with. Keep saying no to the types of activities you wish you had a way out of or feel you “should” do. Let me know how it’s going!
If you want more ideas and solutions about how to say no and stick with it and rid yourself of the disease to please, check out the Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
No matter why saying no is difficult for you, changing how you think about it will help. The sense of obligation to say yes can actually be a very selfish thing. When you say yes to everything, it leaves fewer opportunities for others. By deciding you “should” say yes, even when you don’t really want to, you’re robbing someone else of the opportunity to serve, grow his or her abilities or learn something new. Is the fact that you’d feel guilty if you said no more important than someone else’s desire to contribute? I bet you didn’t even realize you were putting your feelings ahead of the needs of others.
In struggling to say no, you’re also scattering your attention so that your true priorities don’t get the energy and attention they deserve. This often leaves you feeling like you’re working SO HARD to make everything work and everyone happy that you’re running yourself ragged. You’re not able to give your best to the people you care about who truly need you. Even with all that work, you may still feel like you’re not doing anything as well as you’d like. That’s a lose-lose situation.
Remind yourself that it’s not only OK, but better so say no sometimes. You’ll have more energy, better focus and a greater sense of satisfaction because your energies are focused on the things that matter to you most.
Often the habit of saying “yes” gets so engrained that you no longer know what you really want to do. If you don’t trust yourself to pick and choose well, take yourself out of the equation. Just Say No! Say “No” to every new request for your time (going out to lunch with a friend, planning the office holiday party, taking on extra projects, volunteering for a committee, going shopping with your mom, etc.). I usually make this a month-long assignment for my clients, but I want you to just dip your toe in the water to get started.
Your Assignment: Say no to everything for one day. (If you really want to stretch yourself, stick with it for one week. J) I know you may be thinking, “I wouldn’t even know what to say.” Just say, “I’m sorry. I’m making a point to not take on anything new right now. Please ask me again in the future.”
Pay attention to the things you are relieved you have an excuse to say no to. Notice the things you feel you “should” have said yes to. These will make you feel urgent, jumpy, and yucky inside. You may even find yourself picking up the phone to take back your no when the “shoulds” show up. This would be truly selfish because the main reason you’d be saying yes it to make yourself feel better. Stay firm in your no! What did you wish you “could” say yes to. (Do you see the difference between should vs. could?) These are the things you feel exicted and happy about and are disapppointed you’ll miss out on. These are the things you truly want to do.
Your Assignment: On your calendar, journal or notebook, track your reactions to your Just Say No project. Which requests are you relieved to decline? Who asked you to do things you felt you “should” have said yes to? What are you bummed you had to say no to? Do you notice any patterns?
Once the day (or week) is over, you can continue to use the “Just Say No” rule to determine your true feelings about a request. Do more of the things you truly want to do with the people you actually enjoy spending time with. Keep saying no to the types of activities you wish you had a way out of or feel you “should” do. Let me know how it’s going!
If you want more ideas and solutions about how to say no and stick with it and rid yourself of the disease to please, check out the Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)