The 85% Rule
The 85% Rule is ideal when you’re stuck due to irritation or anger with someone else's behavior.
The 85% Rule is:
85% of other people’s behavior is about them. It has nothing to do with you. Your inner filter determines the other 15%.
If another person is mean, rude or disrespectful, it’s because THEY are mean, rude or disrespectful. It has nothing to do with you. This is when your internal filter comes into play. You may believe others target you specifically or you deserve that level of treatment. Your filter determines your interpretation of other people’s actions and whether or not you choose to get attached to or sucked in by drama.
Your filter also colors how you choose to react and respond. Sometimes we get a great deal of satisfaction by sharing our tales of woe of how someone else has offended us. We wear the badge of “victim” with pride, as a sign and signal of how wounded we are. (This is a perfect excuse to rationalize and avoid responsibility for why things aren’t working in your life by the way. Avoid this trap!) How much time do you want to spend letting mean, rude, disrespectful people run your life or determine your mood? Let it go. Their behavior reflects on them. Your behavior reflects on you. Reflect your best by choosing to operate from a place of peace and strength.
“The big thing is not what happens to us in life - but what we do about what happens to us." - George Allen
Complaining about or paying attention to the ways others have offended you indicates that, on some level, you’re in the habit of being treated in this manner. You may even believe you deserve it. If your filter is set up to respond to acts of “disrespect” you’re going to be triggered by them. For example, my client “Chris” grew up as a scapegoat. He was blamed for every wrong doing in his family. As a result, he learned to interpret other people’s comments as criticism. This started out as a way to protect himself, but over time this became a habit of fear-based mindset and behaviors. He responded defensively and often over reacted to someone’s neutral comment, perpetuating the cycle of rejection.
As we worked to clear his anger, grief and guilt about the mistreatment he experienced throughout his life, he was able to lower his internal threat level. Merely understanding that his reactions were triggered by damage from his past, gave Chris a greater sense of control. Cleaning up his filter and lowering his inner threat level allowed Chris to detach emotionally from other people’s behaviors. He began to experience less stress because he no longer automatically assigned a negative connotation to other people’s action and comments. Chris did not perceive as much judgment from others. Reducing defensiveness gave him the opportunity to respond deliberately, therefore more effectively. People enjoyed his company more and he found less conflict. Not only was he more at peace, but found strength in his ability to guide the course of his interactions to get the results he desired.
Follow these steps when you find a person or situation upsetting:
1. Remember 85% of their behavior is about them only.
You are not to blame. You are not responsible for their actions. You cannot control their choices and actions. Let it go!
2. Ask yourself: What does the present situation remind you of?
What experiences from your past entice you to respond defensively? If you find yourself attracting disrespectful people, it’s because your underlying energies match. They’re looking to irritate someone and, on some level, you’re looking to be irritated. The person you’re triggered by may be in your life to help you learn how to let go of trivial stuff (even when your inner tape is working to convince you it’s crucial to win.)
This irritating person may be just the lesson you need to practice putting your full attention on living your best life. Or maybe that person wants to sabotage your growth. Either way you loose when you choose to let them set the tone. Your inner tape determines which behaviors bug you versus other stuff that rolls off your back. As this tape plays in your head, it creates your interpretation of any event. You assign meaning to your experiences. Record a new tape to clean the gunk out of your filter so fewer things stick to it.
If you find yourself irritated or offended by someone, interrupt the inner tape that is attempting to suck you into drama. Remind yourself other peoples’ behavior doesn’t have to mean what you’ve thought it meant in the past. Recall the 85% Rule. Disconnect from this low-value energy activity and refuse to be pulled down in the muck. Their behavior is not about you. LET IT GO!
Use the 85% Rule to see their bad behavior for what it is: a reflection on them, not you. The changes you’ll see from making this shift will blow your mind!!!
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Friday, April 22, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Forgiveness: The Gift You Give Yourself
Forgiveness is a tricky word for people. We connect forgiveness with the idea that we’re saying “it’s ok.” You may resist the very idea of forgiving people who’ve offended you, both in big and small ways, because you don’t want to let them off the hook. The secret is that forgiving someone isn’t saying you absolve, condone or accept what they did as “ok.” Rather, forgiveness is about letting go of the pain their actions caused.
What’s the virtue of holding on to pain? We cling to pain as a reminder of what to avoid in the future. It starts out as protective armor. Over time, it’s just a heavy burden to bear. The pain is no longer serving its purpose. It’s time to let it go.
The other secret about forgiveness is not for them; it’s for you. You’re not doing a favor for the people who hurt you. Forgiveness is for you. You are the only one who’s paying the price for holding on to those negative thoughts and feelings. The person who hurt you doesn’t carry that burden…you do. Do you feel the weight of it on your shoulders? Can you feel the hole in your heart? The pit in your stomach? These can be healed. Forgiveness is a good first step.
Letting go of these old wounds and hurts is key to moving forward. You must release your grip on them to allow yourself a free hand to grab on to wonderful, uplifting thoughts, experiences and people. It may feel literally life threatening to consider forgiving people for their offenses. The more painful the injury, the more you’ll want to resist. Allow yourself to disconnect, so you’re no longer owned by pain and resentment. The person who hurt you doesn’t deserve to continue to be a part of your life in this way, or determine the quality of your life.
Maybe the person you need to forgive most is yourself. You’re so hard on yourself! Remember you’ve made the best decisions you could along the way. You did the best best you knew how to do. Share your good heart with yourself. Show yourself the same compassion you would another well intended person or small, frightened child. Make it up to yourself by doing better from here forward.
Consider this amazing quote from one of my life-long friends (I’m so lucky to have such wonderful friends in my life!):
“Life provides many opportunities to show compassion and forgiveness. I hope I am able to provide both and both can be provided to me.”-Debbie Hay
Forgive and show compassion for yourself. Live free of that heavy burden. Let go and move forward.
What’s the virtue of holding on to pain? We cling to pain as a reminder of what to avoid in the future. It starts out as protective armor. Over time, it’s just a heavy burden to bear. The pain is no longer serving its purpose. It’s time to let it go.
The other secret about forgiveness is not for them; it’s for you. You’re not doing a favor for the people who hurt you. Forgiveness is for you. You are the only one who’s paying the price for holding on to those negative thoughts and feelings. The person who hurt you doesn’t carry that burden…you do. Do you feel the weight of it on your shoulders? Can you feel the hole in your heart? The pit in your stomach? These can be healed. Forgiveness is a good first step.
Letting go of these old wounds and hurts is key to moving forward. You must release your grip on them to allow yourself a free hand to grab on to wonderful, uplifting thoughts, experiences and people. It may feel literally life threatening to consider forgiving people for their offenses. The more painful the injury, the more you’ll want to resist. Allow yourself to disconnect, so you’re no longer owned by pain and resentment. The person who hurt you doesn’t deserve to continue to be a part of your life in this way, or determine the quality of your life.
Maybe the person you need to forgive most is yourself. You’re so hard on yourself! Remember you’ve made the best decisions you could along the way. You did the best best you knew how to do. Share your good heart with yourself. Show yourself the same compassion you would another well intended person or small, frightened child. Make it up to yourself by doing better from here forward.
Consider this amazing quote from one of my life-long friends (I’m so lucky to have such wonderful friends in my life!):
“Life provides many opportunities to show compassion and forgiveness. I hope I am able to provide both and both can be provided to me.”-Debbie Hay
Forgive and show compassion for yourself. Live free of that heavy burden. Let go and move forward.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Seat Belt Law of Life
One of my most valuable teachers has been my seat belt.
Like most of life’s powerful lessons, this one came at a moment when I was feeling emotionally spent and teetering on burnout. (The universe has a sick sense of humor!) I remember feeling more stressed than usual, ready to explode with the slightest provocation, but trying to keep it together. (Mothers of small children I think you may have an idea what I’m talking about.) We were running late, so I was impatiently herding the children into the car, yelling at them to hurry, hurry, hurry. I jump into the drivers seat and use my left hand to grab the seat belt from above my left shoulder, only to find it won’t move more than 2 inches. It’s stuck…frozen…unwilling to budge.
Given my already frazzled mental state, I’m in no mood for the seat belt to toy with my emotions. So of course I do what any sane, balanced, adult would do…I fight with the seat belt. I yank and tug and pull harder and harder, committed to not being outsmarted by a strap of canvas. (Too late!) Not surprisingly, the action of repeatedly jerking in this way looks a lot like the “Psycho” stabbing thing people to indicate some one has lost it. That probably wasn’t far from the truth in my case. I’m pretty sure that way my kids were thinking: “Mom’s lost it!”
Somehow, I suddenly became aware of how I must look embroiled in a death match with a seat belt! I took a deep breath, and let go of the seat belt. I let go of the struggle. Guess what the seat belt did? It didn’t yell at me or call me names. It didn’t attack me or flip me off. It just gently retracted back into the mechanism as if nothing had happened.
I tried the seat belt again, and wouldn’t you know it, this time it glided smoothly across my waist and clicked into place.
I had to smile at the simple genius of the lesson the seat belt taught me that day. The metaphor of this experience mirrors all the ways we can find ourselves in power struggles that complicate our lives and make us feel and act a little “psycho.” The truly amazing thing is that often the thing we’re struggling against doesn’t even care that much. You may be in a one-way tug of war, battling yourself into exhaustion. The universe will let you battle away against your own metaphorical seat belt, patiently waiting for you to let go.
The seat belt is a metaphor for all the things we choose to battle against. The battles can be virtuous – Poverty. Injustice. Cancer. Grief. Pain. Addiction. Loss. The battles can be trivial – Getting “your way.” Convincing others you’re “right.” Being “in control.” Who did or didn’t bring the right thing to the pot luck. Does your kid’s outfit match. Whether or not the house is spotless. All things related to coddling the ego. They can be important and/or necessary – Husband. Wife. Partner. Ex-spouse. Kids. Mom. Dad. Sister. Brother. Even something intangible like some underlying feeling that life is working against you. Friends. The grumpy cashier at the grocery store. Rude drivers. Co-workers. Your Boss. Money. Career. That voice inside your head that says you’re not quite good enough.
No matter what it is you’re choosing to wage war with, the lesson remains the same. The key to finding peace with the moment is to take a deep breath…and LET GO!!! Surrender to the moment. Stop trying to control it all. Detach from the outcome. Don’t be a martyr. Choose to approach the situation with love rather than fear. Connect to your Source. Trust that you’re not alone to handle the struggle. There is limitless love, abundance, peace and wellness in the universe…we just have to tap into it.
Just like the seat belt story, when you finally, FINALLY choose to take a deep breath and let go, do you know what happens? CLICK! Things start to click into place. Make the choice to let go of your battles and make room for the abundance and peace the universe has waiting for you.
Like most of life’s powerful lessons, this one came at a moment when I was feeling emotionally spent and teetering on burnout. (The universe has a sick sense of humor!) I remember feeling more stressed than usual, ready to explode with the slightest provocation, but trying to keep it together. (Mothers of small children I think you may have an idea what I’m talking about.) We were running late, so I was impatiently herding the children into the car, yelling at them to hurry, hurry, hurry. I jump into the drivers seat and use my left hand to grab the seat belt from above my left shoulder, only to find it won’t move more than 2 inches. It’s stuck…frozen…unwilling to budge.
Given my already frazzled mental state, I’m in no mood for the seat belt to toy with my emotions. So of course I do what any sane, balanced, adult would do…I fight with the seat belt. I yank and tug and pull harder and harder, committed to not being outsmarted by a strap of canvas. (Too late!) Not surprisingly, the action of repeatedly jerking in this way looks a lot like the “Psycho” stabbing thing people to indicate some one has lost it. That probably wasn’t far from the truth in my case. I’m pretty sure that way my kids were thinking: “Mom’s lost it!”
Somehow, I suddenly became aware of how I must look embroiled in a death match with a seat belt! I took a deep breath, and let go of the seat belt. I let go of the struggle. Guess what the seat belt did? It didn’t yell at me or call me names. It didn’t attack me or flip me off. It just gently retracted back into the mechanism as if nothing had happened.
I tried the seat belt again, and wouldn’t you know it, this time it glided smoothly across my waist and clicked into place.
I had to smile at the simple genius of the lesson the seat belt taught me that day. The metaphor of this experience mirrors all the ways we can find ourselves in power struggles that complicate our lives and make us feel and act a little “psycho.” The truly amazing thing is that often the thing we’re struggling against doesn’t even care that much. You may be in a one-way tug of war, battling yourself into exhaustion. The universe will let you battle away against your own metaphorical seat belt, patiently waiting for you to let go.
The seat belt is a metaphor for all the things we choose to battle against. The battles can be virtuous – Poverty. Injustice. Cancer. Grief. Pain. Addiction. Loss. The battles can be trivial – Getting “your way.” Convincing others you’re “right.” Being “in control.” Who did or didn’t bring the right thing to the pot luck. Does your kid’s outfit match. Whether or not the house is spotless. All things related to coddling the ego. They can be important and/or necessary – Husband. Wife. Partner. Ex-spouse. Kids. Mom. Dad. Sister. Brother. Even something intangible like some underlying feeling that life is working against you. Friends. The grumpy cashier at the grocery store. Rude drivers. Co-workers. Your Boss. Money. Career. That voice inside your head that says you’re not quite good enough.
No matter what it is you’re choosing to wage war with, the lesson remains the same. The key to finding peace with the moment is to take a deep breath…and LET GO!!! Surrender to the moment. Stop trying to control it all. Detach from the outcome. Don’t be a martyr. Choose to approach the situation with love rather than fear. Connect to your Source. Trust that you’re not alone to handle the struggle. There is limitless love, abundance, peace and wellness in the universe…we just have to tap into it.
Just like the seat belt story, when you finally, FINALLY choose to take a deep breath and let go, do you know what happens? CLICK! Things start to click into place. Make the choice to let go of your battles and make room for the abundance and peace the universe has waiting for you.
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