Advice From A Tree
This poem jumped out at me because it reminded me of our daughter. Since she's a tree lover it seemed lke an especially fitting way to celebrate her birthday and honor the journey of life.
It doesn't have to be your birthday, to use the message contained in this poem to celebrate your life and who you are. This poem is packed with simple lessons we can learn from nature that offer tools for living well.
Trees take in toxic carbon dioxide and they put out clean oxygen. So having lots of trees around is good for you. Take this game changing advice from a tree to remove the toxins from your life and replace it with peace and clarity.
Advice from a Tree
Stand Tall and Proud
Sink your roots deeply into the Earth
Reflect the light of a greater source
Think long term
Go out on a limb…
Be flexible
Remember your roots
Enjoy the view!”
-Ilan Shamir
Showing posts with label self esteem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self esteem. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
True Voice, True You
I vs. You
This month we’ve been breaking down the Pleaseaholic Formula. We’ve discussed how your Good Heart, Kid Logic and Mob Boss conspire to please others rather than be true to who you really are. To wrap up this topic I want to share a great tip to help you declutter your thoughts so you can hear your true voice.
This is the ONE thing you need to know in order to tell whether the voice that plays in your head is your true voice or not. This unbelievably simple tool is all you need to once and for all separate what you really think from the habits, beliefs and thoughts you’ve been programmed to have. I want you to have the secret to deciphering the endless stream of jabber that runs through your head all day. Often we become so accustomed to a certain way of thinking, it becomes difficult to wade through the junk to figure out what is you TRULY vs. what is your programming or inner critic.
Here’s the decoder ring… it’s super simple!! LISTEN FOR THE PRONOUNS! When you hear your inner voice use “You” that’s your inner critic, old beliefs or garbage that was programmed into your head in the past. When you hear “I” that is your true voice.
As you pay attention you’ll notice that limiting beliefs and inner criticisms almost always come attached with “YOU” On the other hand your true voice uses “I” to communicate with you.
Compare: “You can’t do that – You’re not smart enough” Vs. “I would love to go back to school” “You’ll never be able to make it on your own.” Vs. “I really need to do something about my marriage.”“You’re such a bad mother.” Vs. “I wish I wasn’t so hard on my kids.”
A statement on your inner taps that contains “You” or is negative is a con. It keeps you stuck on old patterns. “I” based thoughts may still reveal a change you need to make but are more constructive and forward focused.
A con only works if the mark doesn’t know what’s coming. Don’t fall for the con any more. I notice with my clients that often just noticing the pronouns starts to silence that inner critic. It’s like once the critic knows you’re aware of the con it stops trying to trip you up with it.
Start today! Use this tool to notice which pronouns you hear in your inner tape. I bet at least once today you’ll foil the con man and take back a sliver of your life. Now you know how to peel away the garbage and find your true voice! Pretty simple huh?
This month we’ve been breaking down the Pleaseaholic Formula. We’ve discussed how your Good Heart, Kid Logic and Mob Boss conspire to please others rather than be true to who you really are. To wrap up this topic I want to share a great tip to help you declutter your thoughts so you can hear your true voice.
This is the ONE thing you need to know in order to tell whether the voice that plays in your head is your true voice or not. This unbelievably simple tool is all you need to once and for all separate what you really think from the habits, beliefs and thoughts you’ve been programmed to have. I want you to have the secret to deciphering the endless stream of jabber that runs through your head all day. Often we become so accustomed to a certain way of thinking, it becomes difficult to wade through the junk to figure out what is you TRULY vs. what is your programming or inner critic.
Here’s the decoder ring… it’s super simple!! LISTEN FOR THE PRONOUNS! When you hear your inner voice use “You” that’s your inner critic, old beliefs or garbage that was programmed into your head in the past. When you hear “I” that is your true voice.
As you pay attention you’ll notice that limiting beliefs and inner criticisms almost always come attached with “YOU” On the other hand your true voice uses “I” to communicate with you.
Compare: “You can’t do that – You’re not smart enough” Vs. “I would love to go back to school” “You’ll never be able to make it on your own.” Vs. “I really need to do something about my marriage.”“You’re such a bad mother.” Vs. “I wish I wasn’t so hard on my kids.”
A statement on your inner taps that contains “You” or is negative is a con. It keeps you stuck on old patterns. “I” based thoughts may still reveal a change you need to make but are more constructive and forward focused.
A con only works if the mark doesn’t know what’s coming. Don’t fall for the con any more. I notice with my clients that often just noticing the pronouns starts to silence that inner critic. It’s like once the critic knows you’re aware of the con it stops trying to trip you up with it.
Start today! Use this tool to notice which pronouns you hear in your inner tape. I bet at least once today you’ll foil the con man and take back a sliver of your life. Now you know how to peel away the garbage and find your true voice! Pretty simple huh?
Friday, May 20, 2011
Your inner tape - Bodyguard or Mob Boss?
The Third Element: Mob Boss
This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PHGood Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
So far we’ve talked about the first two pieces - Good Heart and Kid Logic. This week we’ll dig into the role of the MOB BOSS. Did you know you have an inner mafia? Well it’s true! Here’s why.We are all born with an ego that’s programmed to look out for our survival. Your ego’s main function is to manage automatic responses meant to keep you safe. It assesses threats to your physical and emotional health. To make your environment safe and predictable, your ego automatically sends up flares to help you avoid things that could bring you pain. It’s there to protect you, kind of like a bodyguard.
When your Bodyguard senses something or someone similar to a threat that caused you pain in the past, it zaps you to preserve your well being. These signals come in the form of fear, anxiety, guilt and vigilance. This triggers Kid Logic (Pleaseaholic Formula element #2) to start searching for solutions. Kid Logic connects approval with survival. If your past experiences with authority figures left you feeling the best way to earn their love, acceptance or approval is to comply, you can easily slip into people pleasing.
Ironically even though the Bodyguard is supposed to prevent pain, it only speaks the language of fear; a kind of pain in and of itself. When the Bodyguard is trying to get your attention it’ll send fear to prevent you from approaching touchy or dangerous situations. Your bodyguard advises you to adopt cooperation on steroids to avoid pain. While effective at first, these strategies end up being super dysfunctional over time. Imagine the ping pong ball effect this has. You experience something unpleasant so your Bodyguard adds that to the list of things to fear. This leaves you bouncing between things that are actually unpleasant and on alert fearing things that MIGHT be unpleasant. It’s a pretty lose-lose situation. No wonder you’re so exhausted!
The ego’s other job it to keep itself alive. Even as you begin to consider changes in your life that make the Bodyguard less necessary (for example, saying no and setting better boundaries), it will fight you. The ego wants to preserve itself so it can continue to serve as your bodyguard, protecting you from things that might make you uncomfortable, scared or vulnerable. The problem is it doesn’t realize you’re no longer a kid. You don’t need a Bodyguard to be safe any more.
BODY GUARD TURNED MOB BOSS
Over time this bodyguard morphs into a mob boss. Just as the Godfather offers unsolicited favors, then comes calling for “pay back” from unsuspecting victims, your ego starts out as a benevolent bodyguard, working to keep you safe. Then it unsuspectingly places you in a trap of fears, doubts, sadness, anxiety or guilt. Your Mob Boss makes it feel difficult, or even life threatening, to consider change or stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s the emotional equivalent of a horse head in your bed. The bodyguard convinces you that you “owe it” for providing protection in the past. You feel captive and beholden to it. Without knowing why, a voice in your head tells you to fear change. The Mob Boss is the source of guilt, fear, unworthiness, depression, anxiety or doubt you encounter that keep you stuck.
It can feel literally life threatening to step out of old roles and patterns connected to People Pleasing. Your Bodyguard has convinced you that to be safe, worthy and valuable you must make those around you happy, even at your own expense. You “pay” the mob boss in the form of staying stuck, struggling to say no, questioning your own thoughts, wishes and worthiness, tolerating dysfunctional relationships and battling a relentless inner critic. What was originally set up to help you safely navigate your world has turned into a prison. The mob boss will tend to show up in consistent ways over your life. As you make strides to separate from old patterns, you’ll feel a renewed sense of freedom and satisfaction. Then a challenging situation will erupt, and your Mob Boss will tempt you to return to the comforts of old coping strategies.
Just like the mob, just when you think you’re out, your ego pulls you back in. However, like most bullies, when the Mob Boss is confronted it backs down. Gladly the Mob Boss doesn’t require you to forcefully confront it in order to break free. Rather, I’ve seen time and time again that just acknowledging that the critical, fearful voice in your head is the Mob Boss is enough to get you into witness protection. Now that you know it’s just a con, you can choose not to participate.
Act First: When you experience fear, anxiety, doubt or other limiting feelings, remember it’s just the Mob Boss trying to pull a con. Say to yourself: “This isn’t the real me. Go away Mob Boss. I’m safe without a bodyguard.” You might be surprised by what happens!
This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PHGood Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
So far we’ve talked about the first two pieces - Good Heart and Kid Logic. This week we’ll dig into the role of the MOB BOSS. Did you know you have an inner mafia? Well it’s true! Here’s why.We are all born with an ego that’s programmed to look out for our survival. Your ego’s main function is to manage automatic responses meant to keep you safe. It assesses threats to your physical and emotional health. To make your environment safe and predictable, your ego automatically sends up flares to help you avoid things that could bring you pain. It’s there to protect you, kind of like a bodyguard.
When your Bodyguard senses something or someone similar to a threat that caused you pain in the past, it zaps you to preserve your well being. These signals come in the form of fear, anxiety, guilt and vigilance. This triggers Kid Logic (Pleaseaholic Formula element #2) to start searching for solutions. Kid Logic connects approval with survival. If your past experiences with authority figures left you feeling the best way to earn their love, acceptance or approval is to comply, you can easily slip into people pleasing.
Ironically even though the Bodyguard is supposed to prevent pain, it only speaks the language of fear; a kind of pain in and of itself. When the Bodyguard is trying to get your attention it’ll send fear to prevent you from approaching touchy or dangerous situations. Your bodyguard advises you to adopt cooperation on steroids to avoid pain. While effective at first, these strategies end up being super dysfunctional over time. Imagine the ping pong ball effect this has. You experience something unpleasant so your Bodyguard adds that to the list of things to fear. This leaves you bouncing between things that are actually unpleasant and on alert fearing things that MIGHT be unpleasant. It’s a pretty lose-lose situation. No wonder you’re so exhausted!
The ego’s other job it to keep itself alive. Even as you begin to consider changes in your life that make the Bodyguard less necessary (for example, saying no and setting better boundaries), it will fight you. The ego wants to preserve itself so it can continue to serve as your bodyguard, protecting you from things that might make you uncomfortable, scared or vulnerable. The problem is it doesn’t realize you’re no longer a kid. You don’t need a Bodyguard to be safe any more.
BODY GUARD TURNED MOB BOSS
Over time this bodyguard morphs into a mob boss. Just as the Godfather offers unsolicited favors, then comes calling for “pay back” from unsuspecting victims, your ego starts out as a benevolent bodyguard, working to keep you safe. Then it unsuspectingly places you in a trap of fears, doubts, sadness, anxiety or guilt. Your Mob Boss makes it feel difficult, or even life threatening, to consider change or stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s the emotional equivalent of a horse head in your bed. The bodyguard convinces you that you “owe it” for providing protection in the past. You feel captive and beholden to it. Without knowing why, a voice in your head tells you to fear change. The Mob Boss is the source of guilt, fear, unworthiness, depression, anxiety or doubt you encounter that keep you stuck.
It can feel literally life threatening to step out of old roles and patterns connected to People Pleasing. Your Bodyguard has convinced you that to be safe, worthy and valuable you must make those around you happy, even at your own expense. You “pay” the mob boss in the form of staying stuck, struggling to say no, questioning your own thoughts, wishes and worthiness, tolerating dysfunctional relationships and battling a relentless inner critic. What was originally set up to help you safely navigate your world has turned into a prison. The mob boss will tend to show up in consistent ways over your life. As you make strides to separate from old patterns, you’ll feel a renewed sense of freedom and satisfaction. Then a challenging situation will erupt, and your Mob Boss will tempt you to return to the comforts of old coping strategies.
Just like the mob, just when you think you’re out, your ego pulls you back in. However, like most bullies, when the Mob Boss is confronted it backs down. Gladly the Mob Boss doesn’t require you to forcefully confront it in order to break free. Rather, I’ve seen time and time again that just acknowledging that the critical, fearful voice in your head is the Mob Boss is enough to get you into witness protection. Now that you know it’s just a con, you can choose not to participate.
Act First: When you experience fear, anxiety, doubt or other limiting feelings, remember it’s just the Mob Boss trying to pull a con. Say to yourself: “This isn’t the real me. Go away Mob Boss. I’m safe without a bodyguard.” You might be surprised by what happens!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Got Inner Critic?
Our family spent this past weekend at our son’s basketball tournament. Witnessing and being involved with our kids’ activities is one of my favorite ways to spend time. It’s such a joy to watch them grow and develop as people as they stretch themselves to try new and bigger things. They inspire me to keep pushing myself too!
I’m routinely impressed with what great basketball players 11 year olds can be! It’s so much fun to see the kids learning the life-long lessons of character and confidence that playing sports brings. Our team played so well together, that they earned their way to the championship game. With 5 seconds to go in the championship our team was up 2 points. With an unbelievable shot, the other team hit a 3-point basket at the buzzer to win by one. The kids were devastated! (as were the coaches and more than a few parents) They’d worked so hard and were seconds from victory only to have it dissolve in front of their eyes.
Our coaches teach the boys to show grace and sportsmanship in both victory and defeat, so the boys demonstrated great poise in the face of their disappointment. I was so inspired by the resilience and strength of character they mustered even though their view was blurred by tears. They are great examples of how to handle challenges life throws our way.
I was so impressed with how well the kids managed their heartbreak…at least on the outside. I couldn’t help but wonder what they were each thinking on the inside. It reminded me of my favorite definition of self-esteem: “Self esteem is what you say to yourself with things aren’t going well.”
What do you say to yourself when things aren’t going well?
The answer to this question reflects your self worth and beliefs about what’s possible in your life. If your self image whispers, “You don’t deserve it.” or “You can’t do it.” it’ll overpower your strongest desires to achieve your goals and dreams. Even if you want something desperately, you will struggle to make it happen as long as your self-esteem has its foot on the brake.
The thoughts that enter your mind when the chips are down are a voice-over loop of messages you’ve received throughout your life. If you’re hard on yourself or put yourself down when challenges arise it’s because that’s what you’ve been taught to do. This tape may have been playing in your head for so long you might not even realize it’s not supposed to be there. You might think that’s just how everyone thinks. Would it surprise you to know you can erase and re-record something different? It’s time to record a new message and stop being so hard on yourself so you can boost your enthusiasm and ability to attract all you desire.
You must learn to be more kind to yourself. Yet, I know, this is easier said than done. I want to give you the tools you need to overcome obstacles along your path. Here’s the step-by-step process you can use time and again to shift to a kinder, gentler mindset when things aren’t going the way you’d like.
1. Notice when your voice over is sending negative messages.
2. Interrupt these thoughts in their tracks – say stop.
3. Replace them with positive messages.
4. If the messages continue to punish or battle with you, consider what purpose this pain can serve. Is there a lesson here that could help you grow? Can you use this struggle to inspire others?
Repeat this process any time you find your inner critic nagging at you throughout your day.
Coming up with new, positive messages can be difficult if criticism comes more naturally. Try these tips to create affirmations
· State the opposite of what your inner critic or fear-based thought is trying to say (I deserve to be treated with respect.)
· Base it on your strengths (I have a good heart.)
· Lend yourself the same compassion you’d offer a small, scared child who’s upset and crying. (It’s going to be ok. I’m sorry it’s so hard today.)
· Force yourself to come up with exceptions to the negative label your inner critic is trying to convince you of (It’s ok to ask for what I want. Asking for what I want doesn’t make me selfish. I’m generous and kind. Like the time I volunteered to …)
· What would your biggest fan, soul mate or higher power say they appreciate about you? (You have so many special gifts. For example, you were born to teach.)
· Underneath, what do you sense is your purpose? How can you connect this challenge to the values that matter to you most? (I feel broken, like damaged goods because I was abused as a kid. I can’t accept I am special and wonderful yet. If I could bring some good from my pain it might help. Maybe I can volunteer at or fundraise for a foundation that helps abused kids.)
Give yourself credit for the pain you’ve experienced in the past. I’m grateful that you developed ways to cope so you could arrive here at this point in your life. Use your own inner strength to keep moving forward. You’re stonger and more wonderful than you give yourself credit for. Yet those old coping mechanisms are no longer serving you well. It’s time to let them go and allow for an image of yourself that reflects your divine gifts and purpose. It’s time to remember who you were born to be.
You deserve to be treated with kindness and dignity. If you wince at the thought of this idea, that’s a signal that your self esteem has taken a beating. Trust that I believe in your intrinsic value and worth enough for the both of us, until you come to know it for yourself.
I’m routinely impressed with what great basketball players 11 year olds can be! It’s so much fun to see the kids learning the life-long lessons of character and confidence that playing sports brings. Our team played so well together, that they earned their way to the championship game. With 5 seconds to go in the championship our team was up 2 points. With an unbelievable shot, the other team hit a 3-point basket at the buzzer to win by one. The kids were devastated! (as were the coaches and more than a few parents) They’d worked so hard and were seconds from victory only to have it dissolve in front of their eyes.
Our coaches teach the boys to show grace and sportsmanship in both victory and defeat, so the boys demonstrated great poise in the face of their disappointment. I was so inspired by the resilience and strength of character they mustered even though their view was blurred by tears. They are great examples of how to handle challenges life throws our way.
I was so impressed with how well the kids managed their heartbreak…at least on the outside. I couldn’t help but wonder what they were each thinking on the inside. It reminded me of my favorite definition of self-esteem: “Self esteem is what you say to yourself with things aren’t going well.”
What do you say to yourself when things aren’t going well?
The answer to this question reflects your self worth and beliefs about what’s possible in your life. If your self image whispers, “You don’t deserve it.” or “You can’t do it.” it’ll overpower your strongest desires to achieve your goals and dreams. Even if you want something desperately, you will struggle to make it happen as long as your self-esteem has its foot on the brake.
The thoughts that enter your mind when the chips are down are a voice-over loop of messages you’ve received throughout your life. If you’re hard on yourself or put yourself down when challenges arise it’s because that’s what you’ve been taught to do. This tape may have been playing in your head for so long you might not even realize it’s not supposed to be there. You might think that’s just how everyone thinks. Would it surprise you to know you can erase and re-record something different? It’s time to record a new message and stop being so hard on yourself so you can boost your enthusiasm and ability to attract all you desire.
You must learn to be more kind to yourself. Yet, I know, this is easier said than done. I want to give you the tools you need to overcome obstacles along your path. Here’s the step-by-step process you can use time and again to shift to a kinder, gentler mindset when things aren’t going the way you’d like.
1. Notice when your voice over is sending negative messages.
2. Interrupt these thoughts in their tracks – say stop.
3. Replace them with positive messages.
4. If the messages continue to punish or battle with you, consider what purpose this pain can serve. Is there a lesson here that could help you grow? Can you use this struggle to inspire others?
Repeat this process any time you find your inner critic nagging at you throughout your day.
Coming up with new, positive messages can be difficult if criticism comes more naturally. Try these tips to create affirmations
· State the opposite of what your inner critic or fear-based thought is trying to say (I deserve to be treated with respect.)
· Base it on your strengths (I have a good heart.)
· Lend yourself the same compassion you’d offer a small, scared child who’s upset and crying. (It’s going to be ok. I’m sorry it’s so hard today.)
· Force yourself to come up with exceptions to the negative label your inner critic is trying to convince you of (It’s ok to ask for what I want. Asking for what I want doesn’t make me selfish. I’m generous and kind. Like the time I volunteered to …)
· What would your biggest fan, soul mate or higher power say they appreciate about you? (You have so many special gifts. For example, you were born to teach.)
· Underneath, what do you sense is your purpose? How can you connect this challenge to the values that matter to you most? (I feel broken, like damaged goods because I was abused as a kid. I can’t accept I am special and wonderful yet. If I could bring some good from my pain it might help. Maybe I can volunteer at or fundraise for a foundation that helps abused kids.)
Give yourself credit for the pain you’ve experienced in the past. I’m grateful that you developed ways to cope so you could arrive here at this point in your life. Use your own inner strength to keep moving forward. You’re stonger and more wonderful than you give yourself credit for. Yet those old coping mechanisms are no longer serving you well. It’s time to let them go and allow for an image of yourself that reflects your divine gifts and purpose. It’s time to remember who you were born to be.
You deserve to be treated with kindness and dignity. If you wince at the thought of this idea, that’s a signal that your self esteem has taken a beating. Trust that I believe in your intrinsic value and worth enough for the both of us, until you come to know it for yourself.
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