Ask any recovering Pleaseaholic to name her top 5 challenges and she will always include “I struggle to say no.” on the list. I hope you know you’re not alone! There are so many good reasons and great intentions behind your willingness to be so generous. We don’t want to take away your good heart, but rather keep you from becoming so overwhelmed that you’re no longer effective and helpful.
No matter why saying no is difficult for you, changing how you think about it will help. The sense of obligation to say yes can actually be a very selfish thing. When you say yes to everything, it leaves fewer opportunities for others. By deciding you “should” say yes, even when you don’t really want to, you’re robbing someone else of the opportunity to serve, grow his or her abilities or learn something new. Is the fact that you’d feel guilty if you said no more important than someone else’s desire to contribute? I bet you didn’t even realize you were putting your feelings ahead of the needs of others.
In struggling to say no, you’re also scattering your attention so that your true priorities don’t get the energy and attention they deserve. This often leaves you feeling like you’re working SO HARD to make everything work and everyone happy that you’re running yourself ragged. You’re not able to give your best to the people you care about who truly need you. Even with all that work, you may still feel like you’re not doing anything as well as you’d like. That’s a lose-lose situation.
Remind yourself that it’s not only OK, but better so say no sometimes. You’ll have more energy, better focus and a greater sense of satisfaction because your energies are focused on the things that matter to you most.
Often the habit of saying “yes” gets so engrained that you no longer know what you really want to do. If you don’t trust yourself to pick and choose well, take yourself out of the equation. Just Say No! Say “No” to every new request for your time (going out to lunch with a friend, planning the office holiday party, taking on extra projects, volunteering for a committee, going shopping with your mom, etc.). I usually make this a month-long assignment for my clients, but I want you to just dip your toe in the water to get started.
Your Assignment: Say no to everything for one day. (If you really want to stretch yourself, stick with it for one week. J) I know you may be thinking, “I wouldn’t even know what to say.” Just say, “I’m sorry. I’m making a point to not take on anything new right now. Please ask me again in the future.”
Pay attention to the things you are relieved you have an excuse to say no to. Notice the things you feel you “should” have said yes to. These will make you feel urgent, jumpy, and yucky inside. You may even find yourself picking up the phone to take back your no when the “shoulds” show up. This would be truly selfish because the main reason you’d be saying yes it to make yourself feel better. Stay firm in your no! What did you wish you “could” say yes to. (Do you see the difference between should vs. could?) These are the things you feel exicted and happy about and are disapppointed you’ll miss out on. These are the things you truly want to do.
Your Assignment: On your calendar, journal or notebook, track your reactions to your Just Say No project. Which requests are you relieved to decline? Who asked you to do things you felt you “should” have said yes to? What are you bummed you had to say no to? Do you notice any patterns?
Once the day (or week) is over, you can continue to use the “Just Say No” rule to determine your true feelings about a request. Do more of the things you truly want to do with the people you actually enjoy spending time with. Keep saying no to the types of activities you wish you had a way out of or feel you “should” do. Let me know how it’s going!
If you want more ideas and solutions about how to say no and stick with it and rid yourself of the disease to please, check out the Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
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