As I was crafting this week’s article, I was reminded me of a comment I heard author Toni Morrison say during an interview with Oprah. She pointed out the impact of what a child sees on their parents face when they approach them. Very often, the parent is scanning the kiddo for cleanliness, matching clothes or is distracted all together. She made a rule to always smile and make eye contact when her children approach.
I really loved this concept and decided to follow Ms. Morrison’s lead. A child’s value is reflected to them in their parents’ eyes. I now make it a habit to smile and show our kids how genuinely happy I am to see them. It helps me be more present and a better listener and overtly demonstrates that I truly care. If you missed out of this from your parents, give it to yourself by smiling and making eye contact with yourself in the mirror. You might be surprised by the impact!
Here is the first of two super easy alternatives to yelling at your kids and still get them to listen.
#1 SING!
As anger and frustration build, you can feel the yelling ready to fly out of your mouth. And let’s be honest...sometimes yelling just feels like such a satisfying way to let the cork off the pressure cooker. Afterward, however, you regret the things you said in anger. It’s very easy for yelling to get out of hand, even escalating to verbal or emotional abuse. No parent wants to be the reason his or her child feels hurt or unlovable.
A great way to open the release valve on your stress level without scarring your kids is to sing. SING LOUD! It doesn’t matter if you are tone deaf. The lyrics don’t need to rhyme, or even make sense. All you have to do is put your words to music, with a little spunk and drama added for good measure. (My favorite style is Opera. It sounds terrible, which makes kids laugh. This tends to make them more cooperative. Plus it’s hard to be too mean when acting so foolish.)
A bold, crescendo “Let’s clean up the toys!” allows you to be as loud as you would be if your were yelling, but keep the anger and intimidation out of it so you’re not damaging your kids. Playfulness elicits their cooperation. Ask them to sing with your or add lines to the song while they’re doing what you asked.
Music has a magical power. Use it to get across to the kids in your life without having to resort to yelling and the resentment it creates over time.
Showing posts with label How To Say No. Show all posts
Showing posts with label How To Say No. Show all posts
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
How To Say NO To Your Kids Without Yelling!
I wanted to share some quick tips to help you be the best parent you can be, even with the pressures life brings. Often during these stressful times, parents feel guilty, drained and burned out. It’s easy to be too lenient with your kids, or for tempers to run high. Rather than lashing out at your children or abandoning rules and structure, use these tools to learn how to say no to your kids and stick with it, and avoid yelling at your children.
Quick tips you can use TODAY to say no to your kids AND STICK TO IT!
Usually saying no and sticking to it is related to your belief in your own authority. Rather than tackling something so big, let’s try some new ways of interacting. Very often when we act first the feeling will follow. By having some great tools you’ll feel more in charge of your parenting, creating a greater belief in your authority.
Children need to know their parents are capable of setting limits. I want you to have some practical tips to be able to give your children structure without adding to your stress level.
Tip #1: Use the power of “No” sparingly
When kids hear “no” all the time, it begins to lose its effectiveness. They can become frustrated because they feel you’re not taking their requests and needs to heart. Therefore, the relationship takes on an adversarial versus cooperative tone. Also, frequent “no’s” make kids think “no” actually means “maybe” or see it as a signal to begin bargaining, rather than taking your no seriously. Kids can’t help but learn this when their barrage of negotiation tactics is met with repeated (and sometimes increasingly loud) no’s until ultimately you given in. “No” becomes diluted, as does their respect for you.
Instead of leaping to “No” then changing your mind, simply say “Maybe”, or “I need a minute to think about that.” I know it sounds simple, but it can be easy to spit out “no” out of habit, frustration or distraction. Once you’ve said no, stick with it. But, you don’t need to repeat yourself over and over. Instead simply ask them, “What was my answer?” and let them fill in their own no.
Quick tips you can use TODAY to say no to your kids AND STICK TO IT!
Usually saying no and sticking to it is related to your belief in your own authority. Rather than tackling something so big, let’s try some new ways of interacting. Very often when we act first the feeling will follow. By having some great tools you’ll feel more in charge of your parenting, creating a greater belief in your authority.
Children need to know their parents are capable of setting limits. I want you to have some practical tips to be able to give your children structure without adding to your stress level.
Tip #1: Use the power of “No” sparingly
When kids hear “no” all the time, it begins to lose its effectiveness. They can become frustrated because they feel you’re not taking their requests and needs to heart. Therefore, the relationship takes on an adversarial versus cooperative tone. Also, frequent “no’s” make kids think “no” actually means “maybe” or see it as a signal to begin bargaining, rather than taking your no seriously. Kids can’t help but learn this when their barrage of negotiation tactics is met with repeated (and sometimes increasingly loud) no’s until ultimately you given in. “No” becomes diluted, as does their respect for you.
Instead of leaping to “No” then changing your mind, simply say “Maybe”, or “I need a minute to think about that.” I know it sounds simple, but it can be easy to spit out “no” out of habit, frustration or distraction. Once you’ve said no, stick with it. But, you don’t need to repeat yourself over and over. Instead simply ask them, “What was my answer?” and let them fill in their own no.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Can't Say No? Are You Being Selfish?
Ask any recovering Pleaseaholic to name her top 5 challenges and she will always include “I struggle to say no.” on the list. I hope you know you’re not alone! There are so many good reasons and great intentions behind your willingness to be so generous. We don’t want to take away your good heart, but rather keep you from becoming so overwhelmed that you’re no longer effective and helpful.
No matter why saying no is difficult for you, changing how you think about it will help. The sense of obligation to say yes can actually be a very selfish thing. When you say yes to everything, it leaves fewer opportunities for others. By deciding you “should” say yes, even when you don’t really want to, you’re robbing someone else of the opportunity to serve, grow his or her abilities or learn something new. Is the fact that you’d feel guilty if you said no more important than someone else’s desire to contribute? I bet you didn’t even realize you were putting your feelings ahead of the needs of others.
In struggling to say no, you’re also scattering your attention so that your true priorities don’t get the energy and attention they deserve. This often leaves you feeling like you’re working SO HARD to make everything work and everyone happy that you’re running yourself ragged. You’re not able to give your best to the people you care about who truly need you. Even with all that work, you may still feel like you’re not doing anything as well as you’d like. That’s a lose-lose situation.
Remind yourself that it’s not only OK, but better so say no sometimes. You’ll have more energy, better focus and a greater sense of satisfaction because your energies are focused on the things that matter to you most.
Often the habit of saying “yes” gets so engrained that you no longer know what you really want to do. If you don’t trust yourself to pick and choose well, take yourself out of the equation. Just Say No! Say “No” to every new request for your time (going out to lunch with a friend, planning the office holiday party, taking on extra projects, volunteering for a committee, going shopping with your mom, etc.). I usually make this a month-long assignment for my clients, but I want you to just dip your toe in the water to get started.
Your Assignment: Say no to everything for one day. (If you really want to stretch yourself, stick with it for one week. J) I know you may be thinking, “I wouldn’t even know what to say.” Just say, “I’m sorry. I’m making a point to not take on anything new right now. Please ask me again in the future.”
Pay attention to the things you are relieved you have an excuse to say no to. Notice the things you feel you “should” have said yes to. These will make you feel urgent, jumpy, and yucky inside. You may even find yourself picking up the phone to take back your no when the “shoulds” show up. This would be truly selfish because the main reason you’d be saying yes it to make yourself feel better. Stay firm in your no! What did you wish you “could” say yes to. (Do you see the difference between should vs. could?) These are the things you feel exicted and happy about and are disapppointed you’ll miss out on. These are the things you truly want to do.
Your Assignment: On your calendar, journal or notebook, track your reactions to your Just Say No project. Which requests are you relieved to decline? Who asked you to do things you felt you “should” have said yes to? What are you bummed you had to say no to? Do you notice any patterns?
Once the day (or week) is over, you can continue to use the “Just Say No” rule to determine your true feelings about a request. Do more of the things you truly want to do with the people you actually enjoy spending time with. Keep saying no to the types of activities you wish you had a way out of or feel you “should” do. Let me know how it’s going!
If you want more ideas and solutions about how to say no and stick with it and rid yourself of the disease to please, check out the Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
No matter why saying no is difficult for you, changing how you think about it will help. The sense of obligation to say yes can actually be a very selfish thing. When you say yes to everything, it leaves fewer opportunities for others. By deciding you “should” say yes, even when you don’t really want to, you’re robbing someone else of the opportunity to serve, grow his or her abilities or learn something new. Is the fact that you’d feel guilty if you said no more important than someone else’s desire to contribute? I bet you didn’t even realize you were putting your feelings ahead of the needs of others.
In struggling to say no, you’re also scattering your attention so that your true priorities don’t get the energy and attention they deserve. This often leaves you feeling like you’re working SO HARD to make everything work and everyone happy that you’re running yourself ragged. You’re not able to give your best to the people you care about who truly need you. Even with all that work, you may still feel like you’re not doing anything as well as you’d like. That’s a lose-lose situation.
Remind yourself that it’s not only OK, but better so say no sometimes. You’ll have more energy, better focus and a greater sense of satisfaction because your energies are focused on the things that matter to you most.
Often the habit of saying “yes” gets so engrained that you no longer know what you really want to do. If you don’t trust yourself to pick and choose well, take yourself out of the equation. Just Say No! Say “No” to every new request for your time (going out to lunch with a friend, planning the office holiday party, taking on extra projects, volunteering for a committee, going shopping with your mom, etc.). I usually make this a month-long assignment for my clients, but I want you to just dip your toe in the water to get started.
Your Assignment: Say no to everything for one day. (If you really want to stretch yourself, stick with it for one week. J) I know you may be thinking, “I wouldn’t even know what to say.” Just say, “I’m sorry. I’m making a point to not take on anything new right now. Please ask me again in the future.”
Pay attention to the things you are relieved you have an excuse to say no to. Notice the things you feel you “should” have said yes to. These will make you feel urgent, jumpy, and yucky inside. You may even find yourself picking up the phone to take back your no when the “shoulds” show up. This would be truly selfish because the main reason you’d be saying yes it to make yourself feel better. Stay firm in your no! What did you wish you “could” say yes to. (Do you see the difference between should vs. could?) These are the things you feel exicted and happy about and are disapppointed you’ll miss out on. These are the things you truly want to do.
Your Assignment: On your calendar, journal or notebook, track your reactions to your Just Say No project. Which requests are you relieved to decline? Who asked you to do things you felt you “should” have said yes to? What are you bummed you had to say no to? Do you notice any patterns?
Once the day (or week) is over, you can continue to use the “Just Say No” rule to determine your true feelings about a request. Do more of the things you truly want to do with the people you actually enjoy spending time with. Keep saying no to the types of activities you wish you had a way out of or feel you “should” do. Let me know how it’s going!
If you want more ideas and solutions about how to say no and stick with it and rid yourself of the disease to please, check out the Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
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