Advice From A Tree
This poem jumped out at me because it reminded me of our daughter. Since she's a tree lover it seemed lke an especially fitting way to celebrate her birthday and honor the journey of life.
It doesn't have to be your birthday, to use the message contained in this poem to celebrate your life and who you are. This poem is packed with simple lessons we can learn from nature that offer tools for living well.
Trees take in toxic carbon dioxide and they put out clean oxygen. So having lots of trees around is good for you. Take this game changing advice from a tree to remove the toxins from your life and replace it with peace and clarity.
Advice from a Tree
Stand Tall and Proud
Sink your roots deeply into the Earth
Reflect the light of a greater source
Think long term
Go out on a limb…
Be flexible
Remember your roots
Enjoy the view!”
-Ilan Shamir
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Be the Fireworks of YOUR Independance Day
Be the Fireworks of Your Own Independence Day
People sit in quiet boredom, uninspired by their lives and those around them and complain about the state of our homes, communities, nations and planet. Yet we complain because we know things can be better. We want to believe in something bigger than ourselves. We sense that there must be something more we could be doing to elevate the experience that is this life. What are you doing? I know I’m not doing nearly enough and it’s time for that to stop. It’s time to live as big as you were born to live. It’s time to let your mind open to the possibility of what would be possible if you removed the fear, doubt, complacency and excuses. It's time to ignite the spark that lives within you. It's the spark that'll set off the uniquely beautiful fireworks that you alone possess.
Who were you born to be?
What were you born to do?
Why aren’t you doing it?
I kept myself small for a long time because I was afraid of what people would think if I really let my light shine. Even bigger than that however is my own fear of myself. I’m afraid of how big my dreams might get. I’m afraid of how difficult it might be to strive for greatness, to make a difference to serve in a way that makes ripples on the pond that ultimately turns into a tsumani on the ocean.
Ripples on the lake rock the boat. Rocking the boat has it’s place. Mostly we need to stop being so afraid to be true to ourselves. Stop hiding the tenderness, the soft spots, because you're afraid of being vulnerable. That vulnerablity sits right on top of the best, juciest parts of you. You protect them mightily becasue they are the most precious.
Let yourself be seen. You will be shocked how much more alike we are than different. You may be surprised to learn how many people fear and worry about the same things you do. If two of you feel that way, you can bet there are thousand more where that came from. What if you put your heads and hearts together to create a solution for that thing that haunts you. What an amazing gift to give to not only yourselves, but all those around you who secretly suffer in silence. Why are you making them wait? What will it take to make you take action? Ignite your light and let it light the way for others.
Not sure where to start? Here's some suggestions. Volunteer. Greet your children with excitement and a smile – every time. See the ways your partner is trying to love you. Be kinder to yourself. Reveal your pain and use it as fuel to help those struggling with the same experiences. Don’t judge. Smile at people. Say please and thank you. Forgive your parents. Forgive yourself. Take your grocery cart back to the cart return. Choose peace. Be grateful. Love one another with no expectations for anything in return. When you do, your pure loving intention will attract love, generosity and gratitude in return.
I want to know what you’re feeling called to do. Post you feel inspired to do and how you're making it happen. I can't wait to hear what good you're up to!
You are the change the world has been waiting for. I’m so glad you were born. Now get out there and do what you were born to do. Be the fireworks of your own independence day!
People sit in quiet boredom, uninspired by their lives and those around them and complain about the state of our homes, communities, nations and planet. Yet we complain because we know things can be better. We want to believe in something bigger than ourselves. We sense that there must be something more we could be doing to elevate the experience that is this life. What are you doing? I know I’m not doing nearly enough and it’s time for that to stop. It’s time to live as big as you were born to live. It’s time to let your mind open to the possibility of what would be possible if you removed the fear, doubt, complacency and excuses. It's time to ignite the spark that lives within you. It's the spark that'll set off the uniquely beautiful fireworks that you alone possess.
Who were you born to be?
What were you born to do?
Why aren’t you doing it?
I kept myself small for a long time because I was afraid of what people would think if I really let my light shine. Even bigger than that however is my own fear of myself. I’m afraid of how big my dreams might get. I’m afraid of how difficult it might be to strive for greatness, to make a difference to serve in a way that makes ripples on the pond that ultimately turns into a tsumani on the ocean.
Ripples on the lake rock the boat. Rocking the boat has it’s place. Mostly we need to stop being so afraid to be true to ourselves. Stop hiding the tenderness, the soft spots, because you're afraid of being vulnerable. That vulnerablity sits right on top of the best, juciest parts of you. You protect them mightily becasue they are the most precious.
Let yourself be seen. You will be shocked how much more alike we are than different. You may be surprised to learn how many people fear and worry about the same things you do. If two of you feel that way, you can bet there are thousand more where that came from. What if you put your heads and hearts together to create a solution for that thing that haunts you. What an amazing gift to give to not only yourselves, but all those around you who secretly suffer in silence. Why are you making them wait? What will it take to make you take action? Ignite your light and let it light the way for others.
Not sure where to start? Here's some suggestions. Volunteer. Greet your children with excitement and a smile – every time. See the ways your partner is trying to love you. Be kinder to yourself. Reveal your pain and use it as fuel to help those struggling with the same experiences. Don’t judge. Smile at people. Say please and thank you. Forgive your parents. Forgive yourself. Take your grocery cart back to the cart return. Choose peace. Be grateful. Love one another with no expectations for anything in return. When you do, your pure loving intention will attract love, generosity and gratitude in return.
I want to know what you’re feeling called to do. Post you feel inspired to do and how you're making it happen. I can't wait to hear what good you're up to!
You are the change the world has been waiting for. I’m so glad you were born. Now get out there and do what you were born to do. Be the fireworks of your own independence day!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Little League Wisdom...Big League Results - How To Get Out of A Slump
Hitting a baseball is one of the most difficult things to do. Making solid contact between 2 round surfaces is a feat of physics and precision. The best baseball players in the world aspire to successfully accomplish this task and are considered outstanding if they achieve a .333 batting average. That means getting a hit only 1/3 of the time. Yet even thse world-class athletes get in a slump from time to time, seemingly unable to get a hit despite considerable talent and effort.
The same is true of Little League baseball players. Kids strugggle from time to time with a batting slump. They slip into a rough patch when they just can't seems to get a hit. This, of course easy to get down on themselves and more anxious at the plate. Becasue they fear they'll strick out, they won't swing the bat at all, even when a good pitch is delivered. Their worry and fear perpetuate the slump. The same it true when we get in a slump or stuck in a rut in life.
I heard my husband, Cliff, say some profound wisdom at our son's baseball game this week that got me thinking how the rules that assist baseball players to rise out of a slump are also great tools for getting unstuck in life. Cliff, coaches our son Jaxon's baseball team. The same things that make him an outstanding parent make him an ideal coach, even from my biased perspective. He's encouraging but firm; fun yet sets high expectations. Something he said to one of his players this week jumped out at me as a great philosophy for life: "Good things happen when you swing the bat." It's easy when we get in a slump to want to throw in the towel or go into hiding. Just as in baseball, good things happen when you're willing to get back in the game and keep swinging the bat.
While a slump in baseball means not making good contact with the ball, a slump in everyday life happens when you just can't seem to make contact with your dreams or goals. Maybe you're feeling down, can't land a job, repeat dysfunctional patterns in a series of failed relationships or are putting off a difficult decision. When you find yourself in a slump, get back on track by following these 5 steps of tried and true baseball wisdom. They'll help you get back into the swing of things.
1. Step Up To The Plate - To get out of a slump you have to at least be willing to get back out there and try again. Step up to the plate so you're in the game. You can't win if you don't play.
2. Keep Your Eye On The Ball - Stay focused on what you want to connect with. Good batters keep their eyes focused on watching the ball all the way, even as it hits the bat. It's more difficult to make good contact with something if you're not giving it your full attention or get distracted. Stay focused on what you really want the most.
3. Don't Swing At Sucker Pitches - Avoid falling into old patterns that keep you stuck. Repeating what hasn't worked in the past is swinging at a sucker pitch. Rather than falling into old patterns, do just ONE thing differently. It could be the difference that makes the difference.
4. Don't Force It - When you're in a slump, it's easy to get worried and anxious, comtemplating the worst case scenario. You psych yourself out by putting too much pressure on yourself or forcing something to happen too fast. Instead, let it go and allow. Try meditation, exercise or relaxation to get out of the stress zone. Allow your natural gifts and talents to flourish.
5. Good Things Happen When You Swing The Bat - We know for sure you can't get a hit it the bat stays resting comfortably on your shoulder. You may have to push yourself out of your comfort zone. You may even strick out a couple times. However, if you keep swinging, good things will start to happen.
Good things happen when you swing the bat. Swing for the fences!
The same is true of Little League baseball players. Kids strugggle from time to time with a batting slump. They slip into a rough patch when they just can't seems to get a hit. This, of course easy to get down on themselves and more anxious at the plate. Becasue they fear they'll strick out, they won't swing the bat at all, even when a good pitch is delivered. Their worry and fear perpetuate the slump. The same it true when we get in a slump or stuck in a rut in life.
I heard my husband, Cliff, say some profound wisdom at our son's baseball game this week that got me thinking how the rules that assist baseball players to rise out of a slump are also great tools for getting unstuck in life. Cliff, coaches our son Jaxon's baseball team. The same things that make him an outstanding parent make him an ideal coach, even from my biased perspective. He's encouraging but firm; fun yet sets high expectations. Something he said to one of his players this week jumped out at me as a great philosophy for life: "Good things happen when you swing the bat." It's easy when we get in a slump to want to throw in the towel or go into hiding. Just as in baseball, good things happen when you're willing to get back in the game and keep swinging the bat.
While a slump in baseball means not making good contact with the ball, a slump in everyday life happens when you just can't seem to make contact with your dreams or goals. Maybe you're feeling down, can't land a job, repeat dysfunctional patterns in a series of failed relationships or are putting off a difficult decision. When you find yourself in a slump, get back on track by following these 5 steps of tried and true baseball wisdom. They'll help you get back into the swing of things.
1. Step Up To The Plate - To get out of a slump you have to at least be willing to get back out there and try again. Step up to the plate so you're in the game. You can't win if you don't play.
2. Keep Your Eye On The Ball - Stay focused on what you want to connect with. Good batters keep their eyes focused on watching the ball all the way, even as it hits the bat. It's more difficult to make good contact with something if you're not giving it your full attention or get distracted. Stay focused on what you really want the most.
3. Don't Swing At Sucker Pitches - Avoid falling into old patterns that keep you stuck. Repeating what hasn't worked in the past is swinging at a sucker pitch. Rather than falling into old patterns, do just ONE thing differently. It could be the difference that makes the difference.
4. Don't Force It - When you're in a slump, it's easy to get worried and anxious, comtemplating the worst case scenario. You psych yourself out by putting too much pressure on yourself or forcing something to happen too fast. Instead, let it go and allow. Try meditation, exercise or relaxation to get out of the stress zone. Allow your natural gifts and talents to flourish.
5. Good Things Happen When You Swing The Bat - We know for sure you can't get a hit it the bat stays resting comfortably on your shoulder. You may have to push yourself out of your comfort zone. You may even strick out a couple times. However, if you keep swinging, good things will start to happen.
Good things happen when you swing the bat. Swing for the fences!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Honor Your No's
Honor Your No's
“Saying No is the first way a child asserts himself or herself as an individual. It’s the first way a child feels powerful.”-Judy Ford from Wonderful Ways to Love a Child
If you grew up receiving messages that saying No was not allowed or safe, your sense of individuality and power was taken. It’s no wonder it sometimes feels so scary to say no and set boundaries!
What’s your history with no? Were your No’s honored? Think back. How did you learn the rules about saying no?
Consider the following questions. Reflect on the ones that relate to the experiences that influenced your comfort with saying no.
• When you were growing up, what examples did you see when it came to saying no?
• What were your experiences surrounding setting boundaries with people of the opposite sex?
• Were your role models listened to and respected when they set boundaries?
• Were there spoken or unspoken rules in your home growing up about allowing children to say no?
• Were you raised to speak your mind or keep your opinions to yourself?
• Were you told to speak your mind and then punished or ignored when you did?
• Were you given the latitude to make your own decisions, without guilt trips?
• What was your experience with you adolescent peer group? Did you feel you had to go along with the group against your better judgment to be accepted?
• When you spoke your mind, or said no as a kid, what happened?
• Were you labeled “too emotional” or “high strung” when you expressed your feelings?
• Did you grow up in a no-conflict home where everyone is expected to “go along to get along?”
• Growing up, was your value and/or role in your family based on protecting or caring for others or making people happy?
• Do you feel like a priority or an after thought?
• Were you compelled to take on a parental role as a child or referee your parent’s relationship?
• Were you a victim of abuse–emotional, mental, sexual or physical?
• Did you have to chase approval and love from one or both of your parents?
• Was it tense or unsafe in your home, like everyone had to walk on eggshells to avoid a volatile family member?
• Did guilt or fear of disappointing people determine your choices growing up?
The answers to some of these questions may require you to recall unpleasant or painful memories. I know it can be hard. Take a deep breath. You may have pushed some of these experiences to the back of your mind for years, or never talked about them at all. When the pain bubbles up, it’ll feel natural to shove it back down. Do something different this time. Unburden yourself from the load you’re carrying.
• Your feelings are valid. Allow them without judgment.
• Extend yourself patience, compassion and kindness.
• Grieve
• Empathize with the little child who didn’t get what he or she needed from the people that were supposed to take care.
• Get support from people who love you, or a trusted advisor.
Can you see how old messages and tapes in your head have contributed to difficulties you experience when setting boundaries in general and saying no specifically? Give yourself credit. You’ve been working really hard for a long time. Begin to let go of the old rules and beliefs that have been holding you back from stepping into the fullness of your potential.
You’ve been so strong and brave, even though the pain may make you feel weaker. I’m so proud of you. You clearly have what it takes to survive, even thrive. What strengths do you possess that have made that possible?
You can be so proud of yourself! Your No’s deserve to be heard and honored. Begin honoring your No’s today!
“Saying No is the first way a child asserts himself or herself as an individual. It’s the first way a child feels powerful.”-Judy Ford from Wonderful Ways to Love a Child
If you grew up receiving messages that saying No was not allowed or safe, your sense of individuality and power was taken. It’s no wonder it sometimes feels so scary to say no and set boundaries!
What’s your history with no? Were your No’s honored? Think back. How did you learn the rules about saying no?
Consider the following questions. Reflect on the ones that relate to the experiences that influenced your comfort with saying no.
• When you were growing up, what examples did you see when it came to saying no?
• What were your experiences surrounding setting boundaries with people of the opposite sex?
• Were your role models listened to and respected when they set boundaries?
• Were there spoken or unspoken rules in your home growing up about allowing children to say no?
• Were you raised to speak your mind or keep your opinions to yourself?
• Were you told to speak your mind and then punished or ignored when you did?
• Were you given the latitude to make your own decisions, without guilt trips?
• What was your experience with you adolescent peer group? Did you feel you had to go along with the group against your better judgment to be accepted?
• When you spoke your mind, or said no as a kid, what happened?
• Were you labeled “too emotional” or “high strung” when you expressed your feelings?
• Did you grow up in a no-conflict home where everyone is expected to “go along to get along?”
• Growing up, was your value and/or role in your family based on protecting or caring for others or making people happy?
• Do you feel like a priority or an after thought?
• Were you compelled to take on a parental role as a child or referee your parent’s relationship?
• Were you a victim of abuse–emotional, mental, sexual or physical?
• Did you have to chase approval and love from one or both of your parents?
• Was it tense or unsafe in your home, like everyone had to walk on eggshells to avoid a volatile family member?
• Did guilt or fear of disappointing people determine your choices growing up?
The answers to some of these questions may require you to recall unpleasant or painful memories. I know it can be hard. Take a deep breath. You may have pushed some of these experiences to the back of your mind for years, or never talked about them at all. When the pain bubbles up, it’ll feel natural to shove it back down. Do something different this time. Unburden yourself from the load you’re carrying.
• Your feelings are valid. Allow them without judgment.
• Extend yourself patience, compassion and kindness.
• Grieve
• Empathize with the little child who didn’t get what he or she needed from the people that were supposed to take care.
• Get support from people who love you, or a trusted advisor.
Can you see how old messages and tapes in your head have contributed to difficulties you experience when setting boundaries in general and saying no specifically? Give yourself credit. You’ve been working really hard for a long time. Begin to let go of the old rules and beliefs that have been holding you back from stepping into the fullness of your potential.
You’ve been so strong and brave, even though the pain may make you feel weaker. I’m so proud of you. You clearly have what it takes to survive, even thrive. What strengths do you possess that have made that possible?
You can be so proud of yourself! Your No’s deserve to be heard and honored. Begin honoring your No’s today!
Friday, May 27, 2011
True Voice, True You
I vs. You
This month we’ve been breaking down the Pleaseaholic Formula. We’ve discussed how your Good Heart, Kid Logic and Mob Boss conspire to please others rather than be true to who you really are. To wrap up this topic I want to share a great tip to help you declutter your thoughts so you can hear your true voice.
This is the ONE thing you need to know in order to tell whether the voice that plays in your head is your true voice or not. This unbelievably simple tool is all you need to once and for all separate what you really think from the habits, beliefs and thoughts you’ve been programmed to have. I want you to have the secret to deciphering the endless stream of jabber that runs through your head all day. Often we become so accustomed to a certain way of thinking, it becomes difficult to wade through the junk to figure out what is you TRULY vs. what is your programming or inner critic.
Here’s the decoder ring… it’s super simple!! LISTEN FOR THE PRONOUNS! When you hear your inner voice use “You” that’s your inner critic, old beliefs or garbage that was programmed into your head in the past. When you hear “I” that is your true voice.
As you pay attention you’ll notice that limiting beliefs and inner criticisms almost always come attached with “YOU” On the other hand your true voice uses “I” to communicate with you.
Compare: “You can’t do that – You’re not smart enough” Vs. “I would love to go back to school” “You’ll never be able to make it on your own.” Vs. “I really need to do something about my marriage.”“You’re such a bad mother.” Vs. “I wish I wasn’t so hard on my kids.”
A statement on your inner taps that contains “You” or is negative is a con. It keeps you stuck on old patterns. “I” based thoughts may still reveal a change you need to make but are more constructive and forward focused.
A con only works if the mark doesn’t know what’s coming. Don’t fall for the con any more. I notice with my clients that often just noticing the pronouns starts to silence that inner critic. It’s like once the critic knows you’re aware of the con it stops trying to trip you up with it.
Start today! Use this tool to notice which pronouns you hear in your inner tape. I bet at least once today you’ll foil the con man and take back a sliver of your life. Now you know how to peel away the garbage and find your true voice! Pretty simple huh?
This month we’ve been breaking down the Pleaseaholic Formula. We’ve discussed how your Good Heart, Kid Logic and Mob Boss conspire to please others rather than be true to who you really are. To wrap up this topic I want to share a great tip to help you declutter your thoughts so you can hear your true voice.
This is the ONE thing you need to know in order to tell whether the voice that plays in your head is your true voice or not. This unbelievably simple tool is all you need to once and for all separate what you really think from the habits, beliefs and thoughts you’ve been programmed to have. I want you to have the secret to deciphering the endless stream of jabber that runs through your head all day. Often we become so accustomed to a certain way of thinking, it becomes difficult to wade through the junk to figure out what is you TRULY vs. what is your programming or inner critic.
Here’s the decoder ring… it’s super simple!! LISTEN FOR THE PRONOUNS! When you hear your inner voice use “You” that’s your inner critic, old beliefs or garbage that was programmed into your head in the past. When you hear “I” that is your true voice.
As you pay attention you’ll notice that limiting beliefs and inner criticisms almost always come attached with “YOU” On the other hand your true voice uses “I” to communicate with you.
Compare: “You can’t do that – You’re not smart enough” Vs. “I would love to go back to school” “You’ll never be able to make it on your own.” Vs. “I really need to do something about my marriage.”“You’re such a bad mother.” Vs. “I wish I wasn’t so hard on my kids.”
A statement on your inner taps that contains “You” or is negative is a con. It keeps you stuck on old patterns. “I” based thoughts may still reveal a change you need to make but are more constructive and forward focused.
A con only works if the mark doesn’t know what’s coming. Don’t fall for the con any more. I notice with my clients that often just noticing the pronouns starts to silence that inner critic. It’s like once the critic knows you’re aware of the con it stops trying to trip you up with it.
Start today! Use this tool to notice which pronouns you hear in your inner tape. I bet at least once today you’ll foil the con man and take back a sliver of your life. Now you know how to peel away the garbage and find your true voice! Pretty simple huh?
Friday, May 20, 2011
Your inner tape - Bodyguard or Mob Boss?
The Third Element: Mob Boss
This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PHGood Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
So far we’ve talked about the first two pieces - Good Heart and Kid Logic. This week we’ll dig into the role of the MOB BOSS. Did you know you have an inner mafia? Well it’s true! Here’s why.We are all born with an ego that’s programmed to look out for our survival. Your ego’s main function is to manage automatic responses meant to keep you safe. It assesses threats to your physical and emotional health. To make your environment safe and predictable, your ego automatically sends up flares to help you avoid things that could bring you pain. It’s there to protect you, kind of like a bodyguard.
When your Bodyguard senses something or someone similar to a threat that caused you pain in the past, it zaps you to preserve your well being. These signals come in the form of fear, anxiety, guilt and vigilance. This triggers Kid Logic (Pleaseaholic Formula element #2) to start searching for solutions. Kid Logic connects approval with survival. If your past experiences with authority figures left you feeling the best way to earn their love, acceptance or approval is to comply, you can easily slip into people pleasing.
Ironically even though the Bodyguard is supposed to prevent pain, it only speaks the language of fear; a kind of pain in and of itself. When the Bodyguard is trying to get your attention it’ll send fear to prevent you from approaching touchy or dangerous situations. Your bodyguard advises you to adopt cooperation on steroids to avoid pain. While effective at first, these strategies end up being super dysfunctional over time. Imagine the ping pong ball effect this has. You experience something unpleasant so your Bodyguard adds that to the list of things to fear. This leaves you bouncing between things that are actually unpleasant and on alert fearing things that MIGHT be unpleasant. It’s a pretty lose-lose situation. No wonder you’re so exhausted!
The ego’s other job it to keep itself alive. Even as you begin to consider changes in your life that make the Bodyguard less necessary (for example, saying no and setting better boundaries), it will fight you. The ego wants to preserve itself so it can continue to serve as your bodyguard, protecting you from things that might make you uncomfortable, scared or vulnerable. The problem is it doesn’t realize you’re no longer a kid. You don’t need a Bodyguard to be safe any more.
BODY GUARD TURNED MOB BOSS
Over time this bodyguard morphs into a mob boss. Just as the Godfather offers unsolicited favors, then comes calling for “pay back” from unsuspecting victims, your ego starts out as a benevolent bodyguard, working to keep you safe. Then it unsuspectingly places you in a trap of fears, doubts, sadness, anxiety or guilt. Your Mob Boss makes it feel difficult, or even life threatening, to consider change or stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s the emotional equivalent of a horse head in your bed. The bodyguard convinces you that you “owe it” for providing protection in the past. You feel captive and beholden to it. Without knowing why, a voice in your head tells you to fear change. The Mob Boss is the source of guilt, fear, unworthiness, depression, anxiety or doubt you encounter that keep you stuck.
It can feel literally life threatening to step out of old roles and patterns connected to People Pleasing. Your Bodyguard has convinced you that to be safe, worthy and valuable you must make those around you happy, even at your own expense. You “pay” the mob boss in the form of staying stuck, struggling to say no, questioning your own thoughts, wishes and worthiness, tolerating dysfunctional relationships and battling a relentless inner critic. What was originally set up to help you safely navigate your world has turned into a prison. The mob boss will tend to show up in consistent ways over your life. As you make strides to separate from old patterns, you’ll feel a renewed sense of freedom and satisfaction. Then a challenging situation will erupt, and your Mob Boss will tempt you to return to the comforts of old coping strategies.
Just like the mob, just when you think you’re out, your ego pulls you back in. However, like most bullies, when the Mob Boss is confronted it backs down. Gladly the Mob Boss doesn’t require you to forcefully confront it in order to break free. Rather, I’ve seen time and time again that just acknowledging that the critical, fearful voice in your head is the Mob Boss is enough to get you into witness protection. Now that you know it’s just a con, you can choose not to participate.
Act First: When you experience fear, anxiety, doubt or other limiting feelings, remember it’s just the Mob Boss trying to pull a con. Say to yourself: “This isn’t the real me. Go away Mob Boss. I’m safe without a bodyguard.” You might be surprised by what happens!
This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PHGood Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
So far we’ve talked about the first two pieces - Good Heart and Kid Logic. This week we’ll dig into the role of the MOB BOSS. Did you know you have an inner mafia? Well it’s true! Here’s why.We are all born with an ego that’s programmed to look out for our survival. Your ego’s main function is to manage automatic responses meant to keep you safe. It assesses threats to your physical and emotional health. To make your environment safe and predictable, your ego automatically sends up flares to help you avoid things that could bring you pain. It’s there to protect you, kind of like a bodyguard.
When your Bodyguard senses something or someone similar to a threat that caused you pain in the past, it zaps you to preserve your well being. These signals come in the form of fear, anxiety, guilt and vigilance. This triggers Kid Logic (Pleaseaholic Formula element #2) to start searching for solutions. Kid Logic connects approval with survival. If your past experiences with authority figures left you feeling the best way to earn their love, acceptance or approval is to comply, you can easily slip into people pleasing.
Ironically even though the Bodyguard is supposed to prevent pain, it only speaks the language of fear; a kind of pain in and of itself. When the Bodyguard is trying to get your attention it’ll send fear to prevent you from approaching touchy or dangerous situations. Your bodyguard advises you to adopt cooperation on steroids to avoid pain. While effective at first, these strategies end up being super dysfunctional over time. Imagine the ping pong ball effect this has. You experience something unpleasant so your Bodyguard adds that to the list of things to fear. This leaves you bouncing between things that are actually unpleasant and on alert fearing things that MIGHT be unpleasant. It’s a pretty lose-lose situation. No wonder you’re so exhausted!
The ego’s other job it to keep itself alive. Even as you begin to consider changes in your life that make the Bodyguard less necessary (for example, saying no and setting better boundaries), it will fight you. The ego wants to preserve itself so it can continue to serve as your bodyguard, protecting you from things that might make you uncomfortable, scared or vulnerable. The problem is it doesn’t realize you’re no longer a kid. You don’t need a Bodyguard to be safe any more.
BODY GUARD TURNED MOB BOSS
Over time this bodyguard morphs into a mob boss. Just as the Godfather offers unsolicited favors, then comes calling for “pay back” from unsuspecting victims, your ego starts out as a benevolent bodyguard, working to keep you safe. Then it unsuspectingly places you in a trap of fears, doubts, sadness, anxiety or guilt. Your Mob Boss makes it feel difficult, or even life threatening, to consider change or stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s the emotional equivalent of a horse head in your bed. The bodyguard convinces you that you “owe it” for providing protection in the past. You feel captive and beholden to it. Without knowing why, a voice in your head tells you to fear change. The Mob Boss is the source of guilt, fear, unworthiness, depression, anxiety or doubt you encounter that keep you stuck.
It can feel literally life threatening to step out of old roles and patterns connected to People Pleasing. Your Bodyguard has convinced you that to be safe, worthy and valuable you must make those around you happy, even at your own expense. You “pay” the mob boss in the form of staying stuck, struggling to say no, questioning your own thoughts, wishes and worthiness, tolerating dysfunctional relationships and battling a relentless inner critic. What was originally set up to help you safely navigate your world has turned into a prison. The mob boss will tend to show up in consistent ways over your life. As you make strides to separate from old patterns, you’ll feel a renewed sense of freedom and satisfaction. Then a challenging situation will erupt, and your Mob Boss will tempt you to return to the comforts of old coping strategies.
Just like the mob, just when you think you’re out, your ego pulls you back in. However, like most bullies, when the Mob Boss is confronted it backs down. Gladly the Mob Boss doesn’t require you to forcefully confront it in order to break free. Rather, I’ve seen time and time again that just acknowledging that the critical, fearful voice in your head is the Mob Boss is enough to get you into witness protection. Now that you know it’s just a con, you can choose not to participate.
Act First: When you experience fear, anxiety, doubt or other limiting feelings, remember it’s just the Mob Boss trying to pull a con. Say to yourself: “This isn’t the real me. Go away Mob Boss. I’m safe without a bodyguard.” You might be surprised by what happens!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Has Kid Logic Hijacked Your Journey?
This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
Previously we drove into the first piece: Your Good Heart. This week we’ll look at the second one – KID LOGIC. Most patterns we repeat began long ago in childhood. Therefore, these behaviors have their origins in a naive, less mature perspective. This vantage point is called “kid logic.” You chose a solution based on what worked and made sense as a kid.
It’s not surprising then, if sometimes you question why you respond the ways you do or wonder why your reaction feels incongruent with who you really are. Your reaction is couched in the coping skills of a child, not as the capable adult and divine being you really are. So if you find yourself shutting down or using a small, high voice when things aren’t going the way you’d like, you probably found that to be an effective strategy as a toddler or unrestrained child. If you respond to disapproval, disappointment or anger by walking on eggs shells, you probably experienced fear or rejection as a child.
People Pleasing is connected to all or nothing thinking. Again this is a hallmark of kid logic. It makes perfect sense that a child would fear being abandoned if they fall out of favor with important, powerful adults. Children believe if they displease people, rejection will be permanent. Kids conclude they are at risk to be lost, alone and unloved forever. Kid Logic connects approval to survival. As a result, kids will do anything to please their parents if they feel the threat of rejection looming.
Left unchecked, People Pleasers brings Kid Logic forward into adulthood. Do you find yourself jumping to defend one or both of your parents? Do you feel an inner pull to protect or save your children, spouse or partner? Do you go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disappointing others?
This is a sure sign that you scrambled to keep your parents happy, learned to take the blame when they became upset or carried the responsibility of caretaking the emotional needs of others as a child. Kid logic has hitched a ride along the way to show up in your adult dealing too, even though you’re so much more capable now then you were as a kid. A child needs to know they are loved unconditionally to avoid the snares of people pleasing and other dysfunctional traps. Most parents, teachers and other adults aren’t equipped to help kids comply with household or classroom rules or religious standards without placing conditions upon the child’s innate goodness. Even if the parent only means to modify behavior, they leave children with the message that they are acceptable only if they obey. This is to say nothering of the scars left by adults who intentionally abuse their power over children.
The buttons parents press to motivate their children to comply are the same soft spots that leave People Pleasers open to peer pressure in the future. The seeds of People Pleasing are planted early and continue to sprout.
Because children are designed to blame themselves, you may have learned to question if you are lovable and worthy. Kids are preprogrammed to conclude:
•“I’m a bad, stupid kid. I deserved to get hit (yelled at, rejected, ignored, put down, etc.). If I was good they wouldn’t have to punish me.”
•“I’m mad at my parents (or feel unprotected) but I can’t show it, so I have to shove my anger and sadness inside.”
•“My parents don’t seem to be able to take care of things around here very well. I better step up and be strong or we’re all in serious trouble.”
Kid Logic lures you to become hypercritical of yourself. When you encounter a difficult situation you may automatically revert to how you’ve handled a situation that made you feel uncomfortable in the past. Remember you have SO many more tools and emotional resources available to you now than you did when you were a kid.
How to Disconnect Kid Logic: Rather than use old habits that kid logic tries to entice you to employ, imagine how you would have handled a tough situation from childhood knowing all you know now. Replay that scenario in your mind using the coping skills you have now that you’ve grown up. This process cuts the ties to these old habits.
When Kid Logic tempts you to use old patterns to solve your current challenges, remember you don’t have to revert of the knee jerk solutions you picked up as a kid. You can move forward with your best foot forward and most mature approach.
When you check Kid Logic at the door you’ll stop stumbling over old ways of being and open the door to your best life!
GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
Previously we drove into the first piece: Your Good Heart. This week we’ll look at the second one – KID LOGIC. Most patterns we repeat began long ago in childhood. Therefore, these behaviors have their origins in a naive, less mature perspective. This vantage point is called “kid logic.” You chose a solution based on what worked and made sense as a kid.
It’s not surprising then, if sometimes you question why you respond the ways you do or wonder why your reaction feels incongruent with who you really are. Your reaction is couched in the coping skills of a child, not as the capable adult and divine being you really are. So if you find yourself shutting down or using a small, high voice when things aren’t going the way you’d like, you probably found that to be an effective strategy as a toddler or unrestrained child. If you respond to disapproval, disappointment or anger by walking on eggs shells, you probably experienced fear or rejection as a child.
People Pleasing is connected to all or nothing thinking. Again this is a hallmark of kid logic. It makes perfect sense that a child would fear being abandoned if they fall out of favor with important, powerful adults. Children believe if they displease people, rejection will be permanent. Kids conclude they are at risk to be lost, alone and unloved forever. Kid Logic connects approval to survival. As a result, kids will do anything to please their parents if they feel the threat of rejection looming.
Left unchecked, People Pleasers brings Kid Logic forward into adulthood. Do you find yourself jumping to defend one or both of your parents? Do you feel an inner pull to protect or save your children, spouse or partner? Do you go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disappointing others?
This is a sure sign that you scrambled to keep your parents happy, learned to take the blame when they became upset or carried the responsibility of caretaking the emotional needs of others as a child. Kid logic has hitched a ride along the way to show up in your adult dealing too, even though you’re so much more capable now then you were as a kid. A child needs to know they are loved unconditionally to avoid the snares of people pleasing and other dysfunctional traps. Most parents, teachers and other adults aren’t equipped to help kids comply with household or classroom rules or religious standards without placing conditions upon the child’s innate goodness. Even if the parent only means to modify behavior, they leave children with the message that they are acceptable only if they obey. This is to say nothering of the scars left by adults who intentionally abuse their power over children.
The buttons parents press to motivate their children to comply are the same soft spots that leave People Pleasers open to peer pressure in the future. The seeds of People Pleasing are planted early and continue to sprout.
Because children are designed to blame themselves, you may have learned to question if you are lovable and worthy. Kids are preprogrammed to conclude:
•“I’m a bad, stupid kid. I deserved to get hit (yelled at, rejected, ignored, put down, etc.). If I was good they wouldn’t have to punish me.”
•“I’m mad at my parents (or feel unprotected) but I can’t show it, so I have to shove my anger and sadness inside.”
•“My parents don’t seem to be able to take care of things around here very well. I better step up and be strong or we’re all in serious trouble.”
Kid Logic lures you to become hypercritical of yourself. When you encounter a difficult situation you may automatically revert to how you’ve handled a situation that made you feel uncomfortable in the past. Remember you have SO many more tools and emotional resources available to you now than you did when you were a kid.
How to Disconnect Kid Logic: Rather than use old habits that kid logic tries to entice you to employ, imagine how you would have handled a tough situation from childhood knowing all you know now. Replay that scenario in your mind using the coping skills you have now that you’ve grown up. This process cuts the ties to these old habits.
When Kid Logic tempts you to use old patterns to solve your current challenges, remember you don’t have to revert of the knee jerk solutions you picked up as a kid. You can move forward with your best foot forward and most mature approach.
When you check Kid Logic at the door you’ll stop stumbling over old ways of being and open the door to your best life!
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