As I was crafting this week’s article, I was reminded me of a comment I heard author Toni Morrison say during an interview with Oprah. She pointed out the impact of what a child sees on their parents face when they approach them. Very often, the parent is scanning the kiddo for cleanliness, matching clothes or is distracted all together. She made a rule to always smile and make eye contact when her children approach.
I really loved this concept and decided to follow Ms. Morrison’s lead. A child’s value is reflected to them in their parents’ eyes. I now make it a habit to smile and show our kids how genuinely happy I am to see them. It helps me be more present and a better listener and overtly demonstrates that I truly care. If you missed out of this from your parents, give it to yourself by smiling and making eye contact with yourself in the mirror. You might be surprised by the impact!
Here is the first of two super easy alternatives to yelling at your kids and still get them to listen.
#1 SING!
As anger and frustration build, you can feel the yelling ready to fly out of your mouth. And let’s be honest...sometimes yelling just feels like such a satisfying way to let the cork off the pressure cooker. Afterward, however, you regret the things you said in anger. It’s very easy for yelling to get out of hand, even escalating to verbal or emotional abuse. No parent wants to be the reason his or her child feels hurt or unlovable.
A great way to open the release valve on your stress level without scarring your kids is to sing. SING LOUD! It doesn’t matter if you are tone deaf. The lyrics don’t need to rhyme, or even make sense. All you have to do is put your words to music, with a little spunk and drama added for good measure. (My favorite style is Opera. It sounds terrible, which makes kids laugh. This tends to make them more cooperative. Plus it’s hard to be too mean when acting so foolish.)
A bold, crescendo “Let’s clean up the toys!” allows you to be as loud as you would be if your were yelling, but keep the anger and intimidation out of it so you’re not damaging your kids. Playfulness elicits their cooperation. Ask them to sing with your or add lines to the song while they’re doing what you asked.
Music has a magical power. Use it to get across to the kids in your life without having to resort to yelling and the resentment it creates over time.
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
How To Say NO To Your Kids Without Yelling!
I wanted to share some quick tips to help you be the best parent you can be, even with the pressures life brings. Often during these stressful times, parents feel guilty, drained and burned out. It’s easy to be too lenient with your kids, or for tempers to run high. Rather than lashing out at your children or abandoning rules and structure, use these tools to learn how to say no to your kids and stick with it, and avoid yelling at your children.
Quick tips you can use TODAY to say no to your kids AND STICK TO IT!
Usually saying no and sticking to it is related to your belief in your own authority. Rather than tackling something so big, let’s try some new ways of interacting. Very often when we act first the feeling will follow. By having some great tools you’ll feel more in charge of your parenting, creating a greater belief in your authority.
Children need to know their parents are capable of setting limits. I want you to have some practical tips to be able to give your children structure without adding to your stress level.
Tip #1: Use the power of “No” sparingly
When kids hear “no” all the time, it begins to lose its effectiveness. They can become frustrated because they feel you’re not taking their requests and needs to heart. Therefore, the relationship takes on an adversarial versus cooperative tone. Also, frequent “no’s” make kids think “no” actually means “maybe” or see it as a signal to begin bargaining, rather than taking your no seriously. Kids can’t help but learn this when their barrage of negotiation tactics is met with repeated (and sometimes increasingly loud) no’s until ultimately you given in. “No” becomes diluted, as does their respect for you.
Instead of leaping to “No” then changing your mind, simply say “Maybe”, or “I need a minute to think about that.” I know it sounds simple, but it can be easy to spit out “no” out of habit, frustration or distraction. Once you’ve said no, stick with it. But, you don’t need to repeat yourself over and over. Instead simply ask them, “What was my answer?” and let them fill in their own no.
Quick tips you can use TODAY to say no to your kids AND STICK TO IT!
Usually saying no and sticking to it is related to your belief in your own authority. Rather than tackling something so big, let’s try some new ways of interacting. Very often when we act first the feeling will follow. By having some great tools you’ll feel more in charge of your parenting, creating a greater belief in your authority.
Children need to know their parents are capable of setting limits. I want you to have some practical tips to be able to give your children structure without adding to your stress level.
Tip #1: Use the power of “No” sparingly
When kids hear “no” all the time, it begins to lose its effectiveness. They can become frustrated because they feel you’re not taking their requests and needs to heart. Therefore, the relationship takes on an adversarial versus cooperative tone. Also, frequent “no’s” make kids think “no” actually means “maybe” or see it as a signal to begin bargaining, rather than taking your no seriously. Kids can’t help but learn this when their barrage of negotiation tactics is met with repeated (and sometimes increasingly loud) no’s until ultimately you given in. “No” becomes diluted, as does their respect for you.
Instead of leaping to “No” then changing your mind, simply say “Maybe”, or “I need a minute to think about that.” I know it sounds simple, but it can be easy to spit out “no” out of habit, frustration or distraction. Once you’ve said no, stick with it. But, you don’t need to repeat yourself over and over. Instead simply ask them, “What was my answer?” and let them fill in their own no.
Monday, January 24, 2011
The Best Bedtime Ritual Ever
In the spirit of Martin Luther King Day, take a cue from Dr. King. He spelled out and manifested his dream. What’s your dream today? Speak it, visualize it and believe it and it will come true too.
In the meantime, I want to help you have sweeter dreams. Over the weekend our son, Jaxon’s, friend stayed the night. I’m a more the merrier kind of person, so of course we included him in our bedtime ritual. When I was sharing excerpts of the great conversation that emerged from our ritual with the friend’s dad, he was intrigued with our nightly practice. We’ve been tucking our kids in bed this way for so long, I don’t really think of it as novel, but his fascination made me want to share it with you.
Since our oldest child, Rachel, was little we’ve wrapped up the day with the same bedtime ritual. The ritual has evolved over time as the kids have grown, but essentially it consists of 4 questions. The questions beckon us to take a moment to reflect on the day. The questions hold a dual purpose. First, they build a habit of gratitude and insightfulness. They also offer an opportunity to keep our inner filter as clean and clear as possible.
The 4 questions that comprise our bedtime ritual are:
1. What was your favorite thing about today?
2. Was there anything you wish was different?
3. What did you learn today?
4. What did you do or notice that was kind or made you proud?
The first question creates a gratitude practice. I wanted our children to grow up aware of all the blessings for which they can be thankful. Even the worst day has a silver lining. Putting attention on the sweet spots builds an attitude of optimism, gratitude and joy.
Question two builds a habit of letting go of irritations, insults, hurt and pain on a daily basis. It’s how we keep our inner filter clear so gunk doesn’t build up over time. Processing life’s disappointments and regret in smaller pieces offloads pain while it’s still manageable and innocuous. This was especially helpful when the kids were young. There are so many bumps and bruises in a child’s day. Knowing they have a safe place to unload those burdens keeps their spirits free and deepens our relationship at the same time. It works for adults too.
We added the third question, “What did you learn today” as the kids grew older. Every day holds a lesson. Especially the hard days. When we find the lesson, we avoid repeating ineffective actions and find solutions more quickly. I want to arm our kids with the ability to learn what the day’s experiences have to teach so they live a rich and deliberate life. Further, I feel it’s important they are raised with a healthy sense of curiosity, wonder and love of learning.
The fourth and final question is designed to keep them alert throughout the day for opportunities to show kindness to others, or notice ways people extend kindness to them. Random acts of kindness create ripple effects of happiness. Setting an expectation that they seek out ways to spread joy builds a charitable mindset, but also reminds them of how fortunate they are. We added the piece about feeling proud because they beamed with pride as they described the acts of kindness they offered or witnessed. Allowing them to recount experiences that made them feel proud builds their self-esteem from the inside out.
Beyond the lesson and habits we’re hoping to build with our bedtime ritual, something even more special emerges. The four questions give birth to the best conversations. We learn more about each other lend support when needed and celebrate successes too. The result is deep, abiding relationships that are my most prized treasures.
Adopt this bedtime ritual for yourself. You can process your day alone or with people you love. Debriefing your day will allow you to develop a gratitude practice, definitely a hallmark of happy people. Processing challenges daily in small pieces will keep gunk from piling up and your filter free of debris. Finding lessons and opportunities to show kindness along the way shifts your mindset so you see the glass as half full. I hope you’ll begin to notice all the things you have to be proud of. Who knows…maybe you’ll find yourself engrossed in some great chats and beautiful relationships too. Let me know how it goes!
If you want more ideas and solutions to improve your life, go to www.pleaseaholics.com and get my Free CD, Stop Being So Hard On Yourself! Simple Steps to Becoming Happier and More Produtive. Also available online: The Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System and Marketing & Mindset Money Magnet Home Study System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
In the meantime, I want to help you have sweeter dreams. Over the weekend our son, Jaxon’s, friend stayed the night. I’m a more the merrier kind of person, so of course we included him in our bedtime ritual. When I was sharing excerpts of the great conversation that emerged from our ritual with the friend’s dad, he was intrigued with our nightly practice. We’ve been tucking our kids in bed this way for so long, I don’t really think of it as novel, but his fascination made me want to share it with you.
Since our oldest child, Rachel, was little we’ve wrapped up the day with the same bedtime ritual. The ritual has evolved over time as the kids have grown, but essentially it consists of 4 questions. The questions beckon us to take a moment to reflect on the day. The questions hold a dual purpose. First, they build a habit of gratitude and insightfulness. They also offer an opportunity to keep our inner filter as clean and clear as possible.
The 4 questions that comprise our bedtime ritual are:
1. What was your favorite thing about today?
2. Was there anything you wish was different?
3. What did you learn today?
4. What did you do or notice that was kind or made you proud?
The first question creates a gratitude practice. I wanted our children to grow up aware of all the blessings for which they can be thankful. Even the worst day has a silver lining. Putting attention on the sweet spots builds an attitude of optimism, gratitude and joy.
Question two builds a habit of letting go of irritations, insults, hurt and pain on a daily basis. It’s how we keep our inner filter clear so gunk doesn’t build up over time. Processing life’s disappointments and regret in smaller pieces offloads pain while it’s still manageable and innocuous. This was especially helpful when the kids were young. There are so many bumps and bruises in a child’s day. Knowing they have a safe place to unload those burdens keeps their spirits free and deepens our relationship at the same time. It works for adults too.
We added the third question, “What did you learn today” as the kids grew older. Every day holds a lesson. Especially the hard days. When we find the lesson, we avoid repeating ineffective actions and find solutions more quickly. I want to arm our kids with the ability to learn what the day’s experiences have to teach so they live a rich and deliberate life. Further, I feel it’s important they are raised with a healthy sense of curiosity, wonder and love of learning.
The fourth and final question is designed to keep them alert throughout the day for opportunities to show kindness to others, or notice ways people extend kindness to them. Random acts of kindness create ripple effects of happiness. Setting an expectation that they seek out ways to spread joy builds a charitable mindset, but also reminds them of how fortunate they are. We added the piece about feeling proud because they beamed with pride as they described the acts of kindness they offered or witnessed. Allowing them to recount experiences that made them feel proud builds their self-esteem from the inside out.
Beyond the lesson and habits we’re hoping to build with our bedtime ritual, something even more special emerges. The four questions give birth to the best conversations. We learn more about each other lend support when needed and celebrate successes too. The result is deep, abiding relationships that are my most prized treasures.
Adopt this bedtime ritual for yourself. You can process your day alone or with people you love. Debriefing your day will allow you to develop a gratitude practice, definitely a hallmark of happy people. Processing challenges daily in small pieces will keep gunk from piling up and your filter free of debris. Finding lessons and opportunities to show kindness along the way shifts your mindset so you see the glass as half full. I hope you’ll begin to notice all the things you have to be proud of. Who knows…maybe you’ll find yourself engrossed in some great chats and beautiful relationships too. Let me know how it goes!
If you want more ideas and solutions to improve your life, go to www.pleaseaholics.com and get my Free CD, Stop Being So Hard On Yourself! Simple Steps to Becoming Happier and More Produtive. Also available online: The Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System and Marketing & Mindset Money Magnet Home Study System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Stop Yelling at Your Kids Without Losing Your Mind
Sometimes a whisper is louder than a shout.
Here are two super easy alternatives to yelling at your kids.
SING!
As anger and frustration build, you can feel the yelling ready to fly out of your mouth. And let’s be honest...sometimes yelling just feels like such a satisfying way to let the cork off the pressure cooker. Afterward, however, you regret the things you said in anger. It’s very easy for yelling to get out of hand, even escalating to verbal or emotional abuse. No parent wants to be the reason their child feels hurt or unloveable.
A great way to open the release valve on your stress level without scarring your kids is to sing. SING LOUD! It doesn’t matter if you are tone deaf. The lyrics don’t need to rhyme, or even make sense. All you have to do is put your words to music, with a little spunk and drama added for good measure. (My favorite style is Opera. It sounds terrible, which makes kids laugh. This tends to make them more cooperative. Plus it’s hard to be too mean when acting so foolish.)
A bold, crescendoing “Let’s clean up the toys!”allows you to be as loud as you would be if your were yelling, but keep the anger and intimidation out of it so you’re not damaging your kids.
Playfulness illicits their cooperation. Ask them to sing with your or add lines to the song while they’re doing what you asked.
Whisper
When you find yourself on the verge of freaking out, you can get your point across just as, if not more, effectively by whispering versus shouting. Whispering has an intensity because the listener has to pay close attention in order to hear; however, much of the anger in your voice is masked by the low volume. If you don’t think you can control your facial expression or other non verbal language, take a deep breath and let it out. Then approach your child from behind. With your hands on their shoulders or by wrapping them up in a hug, close your eyes, then whisper your message in their ear. Make sure to close your eyes!!! It’ll help keep you calmer as you speak.
There’s also an intrigue in whispering. If you’re contained enough to keep your frustration out of your voice and gestures, approach them quietly. Beckon them to “come here” with arched eye brows and wide eyes, like you have an exciting secret . If you have more than one kid, have them huddle around like you’re going to share an interesting mystery. The curiousity built by your approach will assure you have their full attention. They’ll be engaged and ready to hear what you have to say. Then whisper your directives to them. (If they’re little make a game out of staying quiet while they complete the task.)
Even if your irritation pushes your voice to a loud, harsh whisper, the intensity will convey your seriousness about your message without going into a rage. It may be even more intense than shouting in some ways. Yet, it’s less traumatic that being shrieked at. Whispering can be a way to break up old habits. Yelling can become such a staple in many families that kids just learn to tune it out. Whispering demonstrates that you’re in control and deliberately managing your stress and anger which lends credibility rather than they just growing accustomed to riding out the storms. Shaking up your routine can help get your message across more effectively.
Assignment: Next time you have an occasion to loose your temper, and yell, choose to SING or WHISPER instead. Not how differently your family reacts. Notice what it was like for you not to yell. Did any reactions surprise you? Journal or track for a month and see what results your see over time.
Here are two super easy alternatives to yelling at your kids.
SING!
As anger and frustration build, you can feel the yelling ready to fly out of your mouth. And let’s be honest...sometimes yelling just feels like such a satisfying way to let the cork off the pressure cooker. Afterward, however, you regret the things you said in anger. It’s very easy for yelling to get out of hand, even escalating to verbal or emotional abuse. No parent wants to be the reason their child feels hurt or unloveable.
A great way to open the release valve on your stress level without scarring your kids is to sing. SING LOUD! It doesn’t matter if you are tone deaf. The lyrics don’t need to rhyme, or even make sense. All you have to do is put your words to music, with a little spunk and drama added for good measure. (My favorite style is Opera. It sounds terrible, which makes kids laugh. This tends to make them more cooperative. Plus it’s hard to be too mean when acting so foolish.)
A bold, crescendoing “Let’s clean up the toys!”allows you to be as loud as you would be if your were yelling, but keep the anger and intimidation out of it so you’re not damaging your kids.
Playfulness illicits their cooperation. Ask them to sing with your or add lines to the song while they’re doing what you asked.
Whisper
When you find yourself on the verge of freaking out, you can get your point across just as, if not more, effectively by whispering versus shouting. Whispering has an intensity because the listener has to pay close attention in order to hear; however, much of the anger in your voice is masked by the low volume. If you don’t think you can control your facial expression or other non verbal language, take a deep breath and let it out. Then approach your child from behind. With your hands on their shoulders or by wrapping them up in a hug, close your eyes, then whisper your message in their ear. Make sure to close your eyes!!! It’ll help keep you calmer as you speak.
There’s also an intrigue in whispering. If you’re contained enough to keep your frustration out of your voice and gestures, approach them quietly. Beckon them to “come here” with arched eye brows and wide eyes, like you have an exciting secret . If you have more than one kid, have them huddle around like you’re going to share an interesting mystery. The curiousity built by your approach will assure you have their full attention. They’ll be engaged and ready to hear what you have to say. Then whisper your directives to them. (If they’re little make a game out of staying quiet while they complete the task.)
Even if your irritation pushes your voice to a loud, harsh whisper, the intensity will convey your seriousness about your message without going into a rage. It may be even more intense than shouting in some ways. Yet, it’s less traumatic that being shrieked at. Whispering can be a way to break up old habits. Yelling can become such a staple in many families that kids just learn to tune it out. Whispering demonstrates that you’re in control and deliberately managing your stress and anger which lends credibility rather than they just growing accustomed to riding out the storms. Shaking up your routine can help get your message across more effectively.
Assignment: Next time you have an occasion to loose your temper, and yell, choose to SING or WHISPER instead. Not how differently your family reacts. Notice what it was like for you not to yell. Did any reactions surprise you? Journal or track for a month and see what results your see over time.
How To Say No To Your Kids & Stick With It
Three quick tips you can use TODAY to say no to your kids AND STICK TO IT!
Usually saying no and sticking to it is related to your belief in your own authority. But let’s not get bogged down in too much big picture stuff right off the bat. Building confidence and stepping into your power is a process, but here’s a secret...it’s actually easier to feel confident and comfortable with your authority if you just put a couple tips into practice. I’ll bet the feelings will follow. That way we’ll kill two birds with one stone—you’ll have some great techniques to implement right away AND you’ll be on your way to standing strong in your own skin.
Tip #1: Use the power of “No” sparingly
When kids hear “no” all the time, it begins to loose its effectiveness. They can become frustrated because they feel you’re not taking their requests and needs to heart. Therefore, the relationship takes on an adversarial versus cooperative tone. Also, frequent “no’s” make kids think it actually means “maybe” or see it as a signal to begin bargaining, rather than taking your no seriously. Kids can’t help but learn this when their barrage of negotiation tactics are met with repeated (and some times increasingly loud) no’s until ultimately you given in. “No” becomes diluted, as does their respect for you.
Instead of leaping to “No” then changing your mind, simply say “Maybe” or “I need a minute to think about that.” I know it sounds simple, but it can be easy to spit out “no” out of habit, frustration or distraction. Once you’ve said no, stick with it. But, you don’t need to repeat yourself over and over. Instead simply ask them, “What was my answer?” and let them fill in their own no.
Tip #2: Say “No” Without Saying “No”
OK—so I know you’re thinking, “If I can’t say no, how can I set limits?” There are many good ways to say no without using the work no. When your child asks permission to go play video games, for example, you could answer “No, you need to do your chores first.” Instead reply, “Yes, as soon as you get your chores done.” Starting your answer with a “yes” given the illusion of permission whil still setting standards, limits and expectataions. Kids are less likely to contest an answer that starts with yes. (But they still will—we’ll take a look at that in a second.)
Again the tone and quality of the relationship and conversation improves when yes, vs. no, is the foundation of your dialogue. When kids have the feeling your looking to say yes, not no, they’ll instinctively want to work with you vs. against you.
Special Circumstances—Toddlers
Saying no to toddler without saying no can be phrased in exactly the same way with equally good results. However, an added secret is a little trick I used to set boundaries for toddlers, especially concerning a safely hazard. I learned this from a dog obedience book (don’t judge me until you’ve heard how good this idea is.) :) Anyway, here’s the secret: Don’t discipline the child. Discipline the object you want them to stay away from. For example, our son used to love touching the fireplace when he was little. Of course we didn’t want him touching it even if it wasn’t lit. Telling him “no” and moving him away repeatedly didn’t work. We didn’t want to resorting to yelling, smacking his hand or spanking, so we yelled at the fireplace. (I know it sounds crazy, but it does really work!)
When your child goes near the thing you don’t want him to have access to without your permission, you must completely ignore them. (But make sure they see you yell at the object.) Do not even make eye contact as you walk to the forbidden object. Then, putting your full attention on the object, smack it with your hand repeatedly and shout, “Bad Fireplace! (or whatever the object is) Bad, Bad, Bad Fireplace! No, no, no, no, no!” Then walk away. Your child will not want to go near the thing that receives so much of your negativity and disapproval. AND how great that those tender, innocent little ones won’t come to think that THEY are the object you’re your anger and disapproval.
Tip #3: Broken Record
Even with your best “yes–based” answers, kids will still test your boundaries. Once you’ve given your “Yes, you can ...as soon as you…”all you have to do is play it back like a broken record in response to their attempts at negotiation. Keep a firm matter of fact tone and replay over and over until they relent.“But Kate doesn’t have to”“Yes, You can ...as soon as you…”“That’s not fair!”“Yes, You can...as soon as you…”
Usually kids will tire of negotiation when they find it’s no longer effective in manipulating the situation and only postpones the inevitable—them following directions so they can get whatever privlidge they’re after. However, it’s my personal policy to NEVER repeat myself more than three times. If I have to repeat my answer more than that, my next response is to firmly state, “You have my answer. If you ask me again the answer will be NO.” ONLY do this if you KNOW you’re going to follow through! Consistency is the name of the game here.
Here’s your assignment: Use the “Yes, You can...as soon as you…” format rather than “No” to answer at least two questions today. Follow it with Broken Record if necessary.
Usually saying no and sticking to it is related to your belief in your own authority. But let’s not get bogged down in too much big picture stuff right off the bat. Building confidence and stepping into your power is a process, but here’s a secret...it’s actually easier to feel confident and comfortable with your authority if you just put a couple tips into practice. I’ll bet the feelings will follow. That way we’ll kill two birds with one stone—you’ll have some great techniques to implement right away AND you’ll be on your way to standing strong in your own skin.
Tip #1: Use the power of “No” sparingly
When kids hear “no” all the time, it begins to loose its effectiveness. They can become frustrated because they feel you’re not taking their requests and needs to heart. Therefore, the relationship takes on an adversarial versus cooperative tone. Also, frequent “no’s” make kids think it actually means “maybe” or see it as a signal to begin bargaining, rather than taking your no seriously. Kids can’t help but learn this when their barrage of negotiation tactics are met with repeated (and some times increasingly loud) no’s until ultimately you given in. “No” becomes diluted, as does their respect for you.
Instead of leaping to “No” then changing your mind, simply say “Maybe” or “I need a minute to think about that.” I know it sounds simple, but it can be easy to spit out “no” out of habit, frustration or distraction. Once you’ve said no, stick with it. But, you don’t need to repeat yourself over and over. Instead simply ask them, “What was my answer?” and let them fill in their own no.
Tip #2: Say “No” Without Saying “No”
OK—so I know you’re thinking, “If I can’t say no, how can I set limits?” There are many good ways to say no without using the work no. When your child asks permission to go play video games, for example, you could answer “No, you need to do your chores first.” Instead reply, “Yes, as soon as you get your chores done.” Starting your answer with a “yes” given the illusion of permission whil still setting standards, limits and expectataions. Kids are less likely to contest an answer that starts with yes. (But they still will—we’ll take a look at that in a second.)
Again the tone and quality of the relationship and conversation improves when yes, vs. no, is the foundation of your dialogue. When kids have the feeling your looking to say yes, not no, they’ll instinctively want to work with you vs. against you.
Special Circumstances—Toddlers
Saying no to toddler without saying no can be phrased in exactly the same way with equally good results. However, an added secret is a little trick I used to set boundaries for toddlers, especially concerning a safely hazard. I learned this from a dog obedience book (don’t judge me until you’ve heard how good this idea is.) :) Anyway, here’s the secret: Don’t discipline the child. Discipline the object you want them to stay away from. For example, our son used to love touching the fireplace when he was little. Of course we didn’t want him touching it even if it wasn’t lit. Telling him “no” and moving him away repeatedly didn’t work. We didn’t want to resorting to yelling, smacking his hand or spanking, so we yelled at the fireplace. (I know it sounds crazy, but it does really work!)
When your child goes near the thing you don’t want him to have access to without your permission, you must completely ignore them. (But make sure they see you yell at the object.) Do not even make eye contact as you walk to the forbidden object. Then, putting your full attention on the object, smack it with your hand repeatedly and shout, “Bad Fireplace! (or whatever the object is) Bad, Bad, Bad Fireplace! No, no, no, no, no!” Then walk away. Your child will not want to go near the thing that receives so much of your negativity and disapproval. AND how great that those tender, innocent little ones won’t come to think that THEY are the object you’re your anger and disapproval.
Tip #3: Broken Record
Even with your best “yes–based” answers, kids will still test your boundaries. Once you’ve given your “Yes, you can ...as soon as you…”all you have to do is play it back like a broken record in response to their attempts at negotiation. Keep a firm matter of fact tone and replay over and over until they relent.“But Kate doesn’t have to”“Yes, You can ...as soon as you…”“That’s not fair!”“Yes, You can...as soon as you…”
Usually kids will tire of negotiation when they find it’s no longer effective in manipulating the situation and only postpones the inevitable—them following directions so they can get whatever privlidge they’re after. However, it’s my personal policy to NEVER repeat myself more than three times. If I have to repeat my answer more than that, my next response is to firmly state, “You have my answer. If you ask me again the answer will be NO.” ONLY do this if you KNOW you’re going to follow through! Consistency is the name of the game here.
Here’s your assignment: Use the “Yes, You can...as soon as you…” format rather than “No” to answer at least two questions today. Follow it with Broken Record if necessary.
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