This past week we attended my husband’s grandmother’s funeral. She lived to be nearly 91 years old. As we listened to people recount the impact she had on their lives, I couldn’t help but wonder if she knew all the good she’d done with her time on the Earth. I wondered if she’d be surprised by the seemingly minor exchanges she shared with people, that over the years made a difference in shaping the trajectory of their journey.
The day was bittersweet, yet served as a great reminder of some important lessons. 1. Live without regret. 2. You never know the impact you’re having on someone’s day, week or lifetime, so when in doubt choose to be kind rather than right. 3. Shower the people you love with love so in the end nothing is left unsaid or undone.
Stephen Covey advises: Begin with the end in mind. There’s no greater end that death itself, so begin now to craft a life of actions and experiences that will illicit the eulogy you’d be proud of.
To begin, answer these questions:
· How do you want to be remembered?
· What’s on your bucket list?
· What will people say at your funeral?
· What traits and funny quirks will people recall with a smile?
· What’s your eulogy going to sound like?
It’s time to find out! Take your answers to these questions and write your eulogy. Make it reflect the best of you and all your potential. (If you care to share, I’d love to read it! Just email it to me at Stephanie@pleaseaholics.com) Once you have it, use your eulogy as a guide to make decisions as you go, so deliberately determine the direction and altitude of your life so at the end of your days, you’ll have produced a body of work you’re proud of. Live well!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Change How You Think About Change!
Change how you Think about Change
We’ve been conditioned to think that change is painful, difficult or takes a long time. On the contrary - it’s just matter of changing how you think and the changes will fall right into place quickly, smoothly and peacefully. I see this all the time with my clients. They're convinced it's going to be painful or difficult to create change. Once they see the small, simple yet powerful steps that free them of their old ways of being stuck, they see results VERY quickly! Knowing the specific ways to change your actions empowers you because you now have options. Rather than being a victim to way the wind blows, you can take charge of your life without working so hard. Imagine how you'd feel to be free of the guilt and pressure you're under now!
When you change your actions, feelings will follow. Little step by little step you’ll be able to let go of the disease to please, stop being so hard on yourself and find better relationships, more joy and greater abundance.
Change isn’t always comfortable. Often to experience change you have to push through the discomfort that’s kept you stuck up to this point. I know the good stuff that’s waiting for you on the other side of that resistance, so I’m excited to see you break through!
Results can come from very small changes. The first steps of change come with small steps so it’s not too much too soon. Do you push yourself to be perfect? Do you expect yourself to have life all figured out? Are so hard on yourself when things don't go just right? Do you fall into the trap that if you're not perfect, you're all wrong? Take a new approach to change. Look for successes, not failures. Focus on what went right, not wrong. Talk to yourself with kindness, patience and humor. Let change come in small steps that will ripple into the big remodel you have in mind for your life. We want real results that last, not sudden leaps that are merely a flash in the pan.
You may find, however, it’s not as difficult as you think. I learned many things from my experiences as a therapist with at risk youth and struggling families. The biggest lesson I walked away with is this: There is virtually no limit to the boundless strength and resilience of the human spirit. You’ve already survived pain and struggle to get to today. If you can handle that, there’s nothing you can't handle. Results are not only possible, but likely. (And until you believe it, I’ve got your back.)
I can show you the way out because I've been there myself. Many times it literally felt life threatening to do something as simple as set a boundary, deal with conflict, say no or put less emphasis on making other people happy. I learned the connection between my fear of rejection, fear of failure and success, fear of disapproval, fear of conflict, fear of not being liked and so many others to the fact that I'd held on to old ideas and rules that no longer fit. Confronting these fears often made my heart pound, blood pressure soar, knees shaky and hands ice cold. But each time I summoned the courage to take on what felt like King Kong, it got easier.
Here’s the first secret…
Fears look like a brick wall. As you charge (or tip toe) up to it, you brace for the impact of the worst case scenario. However, if you have the courage to break through it, you’ll find the brick wall was an illusion of your own making. It’s actually tissue paper thin. The anticipation of change is much worse than actually doing it. Plus, the freedom and peace you’ll find on the other side of that wall of fear is SO sweet.
Recall the wise words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.: "Take the first step in faith...you don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step."
Action Step: Decide today one small thing you can change to point your life in the direction of your dreams. If you need some help or inspiration, all the tools you need can be found at www.learnhowtosayno.com.
We’ve been conditioned to think that change is painful, difficult or takes a long time. On the contrary - it’s just matter of changing how you think and the changes will fall right into place quickly, smoothly and peacefully. I see this all the time with my clients. They're convinced it's going to be painful or difficult to create change. Once they see the small, simple yet powerful steps that free them of their old ways of being stuck, they see results VERY quickly! Knowing the specific ways to change your actions empowers you because you now have options. Rather than being a victim to way the wind blows, you can take charge of your life without working so hard. Imagine how you'd feel to be free of the guilt and pressure you're under now!
When you change your actions, feelings will follow. Little step by little step you’ll be able to let go of the disease to please, stop being so hard on yourself and find better relationships, more joy and greater abundance.
Change isn’t always comfortable. Often to experience change you have to push through the discomfort that’s kept you stuck up to this point. I know the good stuff that’s waiting for you on the other side of that resistance, so I’m excited to see you break through!
Results can come from very small changes. The first steps of change come with small steps so it’s not too much too soon. Do you push yourself to be perfect? Do you expect yourself to have life all figured out? Are so hard on yourself when things don't go just right? Do you fall into the trap that if you're not perfect, you're all wrong? Take a new approach to change. Look for successes, not failures. Focus on what went right, not wrong. Talk to yourself with kindness, patience and humor. Let change come in small steps that will ripple into the big remodel you have in mind for your life. We want real results that last, not sudden leaps that are merely a flash in the pan.
You may find, however, it’s not as difficult as you think. I learned many things from my experiences as a therapist with at risk youth and struggling families. The biggest lesson I walked away with is this: There is virtually no limit to the boundless strength and resilience of the human spirit. You’ve already survived pain and struggle to get to today. If you can handle that, there’s nothing you can't handle. Results are not only possible, but likely. (And until you believe it, I’ve got your back.)
I can show you the way out because I've been there myself. Many times it literally felt life threatening to do something as simple as set a boundary, deal with conflict, say no or put less emphasis on making other people happy. I learned the connection between my fear of rejection, fear of failure and success, fear of disapproval, fear of conflict, fear of not being liked and so many others to the fact that I'd held on to old ideas and rules that no longer fit. Confronting these fears often made my heart pound, blood pressure soar, knees shaky and hands ice cold. But each time I summoned the courage to take on what felt like King Kong, it got easier.
Here’s the first secret…
Fears look like a brick wall. As you charge (or tip toe) up to it, you brace for the impact of the worst case scenario. However, if you have the courage to break through it, you’ll find the brick wall was an illusion of your own making. It’s actually tissue paper thin. The anticipation of change is much worse than actually doing it. Plus, the freedom and peace you’ll find on the other side of that wall of fear is SO sweet.
Recall the wise words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.: "Take the first step in faith...you don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step."
Action Step: Decide today one small thing you can change to point your life in the direction of your dreams. If you need some help or inspiration, all the tools you need can be found at www.learnhowtosayno.com.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
What Would You Do?
Since hearing of my dear friend’s sudden passing a couple weeks ago, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to what he might have done differently in the last weeks, months and years if he knew how little time he had left. It’s such a reminder to live each moment to its fullest, choose to let go of regret and with and shower the people you love with love while you still have the time.
If you knew you only had 1 year to live what would you be doing differently?
Are there changes you want to make but keep putting off? You’re not alone! Most people flirt with the idea of doing things differently but fears and doubts hold them back. Are you ever plagued with thoughts about “what people would think” or “it probably won’t work out” or “it’ll cause too much drama.”
Life may have given you plenty of good reasons for holding these beliefs and fears. Yet, if you don’t do anything differently, you’ll be in the same place tomorrow, next week and next year.
Often if people wait for a frightening accident or life-threatening diagnosis to give themselves permission to live more boldly and honor their true voice. Why wait?
If you knew your days were numbered would you to-do list suddenly look much different? Would your actions better reflect your true priorities? Would you spend time with the same people? Would you be more daring? Would you take a leap of faith?
Maybe hug a little more. Nap a little more. Stress a little less.
What things would you not want to leave unsaid or undone? Would you plan an amazing vacation? Would you slow down and notice the natural beauty of nature and good people? Would you care a little less about what people think? What talents or creative interests have you let fall by the way side would you rekindle? Would you let the little things and small minded people matter a little less? Would you say I love you more? Who would you forgive? Who would you stand up to? Be a little more outspoken? Adventuresome? Kind? Fearless? What’s your secret burning desire? Go for it!
If you’d feel justified to make changes if you knew your days were numbered, you already have what it takes to start heading in that direction now. Don’t wait for the Universe to hit you with a 2 x 4. Start today to live each moment to the fullest so no matter how many more days you have left you’ll have no regrets and true bliss along the journey. Begin to live true to yourself rather than other people’s ideas of who and what you should be.
No matter what all our days are numbered, so make the most of each and every one.
To keep fear from stalling you, start small. This weekend, make a point to tell the people you love not only that you love them but why. Then make a list of the top 5 things you’d do in the next year if you knew it was your last. Email me your list! I’d love to see what’s on it! Then take another small step in the direction of living your best life.
If you knew you only had 1 year to live what would you be doing differently?
Are there changes you want to make but keep putting off? You’re not alone! Most people flirt with the idea of doing things differently but fears and doubts hold them back. Are you ever plagued with thoughts about “what people would think” or “it probably won’t work out” or “it’ll cause too much drama.”
Life may have given you plenty of good reasons for holding these beliefs and fears. Yet, if you don’t do anything differently, you’ll be in the same place tomorrow, next week and next year.
Often if people wait for a frightening accident or life-threatening diagnosis to give themselves permission to live more boldly and honor their true voice. Why wait?
If you knew your days were numbered would you to-do list suddenly look much different? Would your actions better reflect your true priorities? Would you spend time with the same people? Would you be more daring? Would you take a leap of faith?
Maybe hug a little more. Nap a little more. Stress a little less.
What things would you not want to leave unsaid or undone? Would you plan an amazing vacation? Would you slow down and notice the natural beauty of nature and good people? Would you care a little less about what people think? What talents or creative interests have you let fall by the way side would you rekindle? Would you let the little things and small minded people matter a little less? Would you say I love you more? Who would you forgive? Who would you stand up to? Be a little more outspoken? Adventuresome? Kind? Fearless? What’s your secret burning desire? Go for it!
If you’d feel justified to make changes if you knew your days were numbered, you already have what it takes to start heading in that direction now. Don’t wait for the Universe to hit you with a 2 x 4. Start today to live each moment to the fullest so no matter how many more days you have left you’ll have no regrets and true bliss along the journey. Begin to live true to yourself rather than other people’s ideas of who and what you should be.
No matter what all our days are numbered, so make the most of each and every one.
To keep fear from stalling you, start small. This weekend, make a point to tell the people you love not only that you love them but why. Then make a list of the top 5 things you’d do in the next year if you knew it was your last. Email me your list! I’d love to see what’s on it! Then take another small step in the direction of living your best life.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Are You A Scab Picker?
Bury The Hatchet, Not Pick The Scab
I came across this quote from my friend Joyce Singleton this week that really made me think.
"There's no point in burying a hatchet if you're going to put up a marker on the site."
Cartoonist, Sydney Harris
I thought this quote eloquently describes how people habitually continue to dig up and fixate on pain or injuries from the past. Even as time woks to heal our wounds, it's tempting to pick at the scab and prolong the time it takes to be whole again. We can lean on these past insults as reasons or excuses for staying stuck or not being successful. How often to you think or comment about regretable or painful things people have said or done to you? How is this holding you back from living your best life?
I've found the people want credit for their pain. This is understandable because when you've endured and survived something difficult life doesn't seem fair. Don't get me wrong. Your pain is real and valid. The point is that holding on to hurt feelings or bitterness only hurts you, not the person who offended you. Forgivness is they key to burying the hatchet and pulling up the marker so you don't keep going back to that spot to lament and complain.
Forgiveness is a tricky subject. We're trained to believe that forgiving someone is saying what they did is ok. In reality, forgiveness is disconnecting yourself from being tangled with that person and their snippy comments, bad attitude, negative energy and hurtful behavior. It's giving yourself permission to move forward in your own power and strength so you can shine YOUR unique light. What would be truly sad is for that other person to rob the world of all the good stuff you have to offer.
Forgiveness is also tricky when the person you need to forgive most is yourself. I bet you're really good at being hard on yourself. Maybe you blame yourself for something that isn't your fault at all. Perhaps you've made mistakes or regret some choices. Ask for forgiveness from those you've harmed, including yourself. To help shift your perspective remember the wise words of Maya Angelou: "You did what you knew how to do. When you know better, you do better." Because you're reading this, I KNOW you're on your way to knowing better and doing better. This journey of self exploration will be SO much easier and smoother when you forgive yourself and others.
Bury the hatchet once and for all and don't pick the scab. Forgive...Let Go...Move Forward...Shine!
I came across this quote from my friend Joyce Singleton this week that really made me think.
"There's no point in burying a hatchet if you're going to put up a marker on the site."
Cartoonist, Sydney Harris
I thought this quote eloquently describes how people habitually continue to dig up and fixate on pain or injuries from the past. Even as time woks to heal our wounds, it's tempting to pick at the scab and prolong the time it takes to be whole again. We can lean on these past insults as reasons or excuses for staying stuck or not being successful. How often to you think or comment about regretable or painful things people have said or done to you? How is this holding you back from living your best life?
I've found the people want credit for their pain. This is understandable because when you've endured and survived something difficult life doesn't seem fair. Don't get me wrong. Your pain is real and valid. The point is that holding on to hurt feelings or bitterness only hurts you, not the person who offended you. Forgivness is they key to burying the hatchet and pulling up the marker so you don't keep going back to that spot to lament and complain.
Forgiveness is a tricky subject. We're trained to believe that forgiving someone is saying what they did is ok. In reality, forgiveness is disconnecting yourself from being tangled with that person and their snippy comments, bad attitude, negative energy and hurtful behavior. It's giving yourself permission to move forward in your own power and strength so you can shine YOUR unique light. What would be truly sad is for that other person to rob the world of all the good stuff you have to offer.
Forgiveness is also tricky when the person you need to forgive most is yourself. I bet you're really good at being hard on yourself. Maybe you blame yourself for something that isn't your fault at all. Perhaps you've made mistakes or regret some choices. Ask for forgiveness from those you've harmed, including yourself. To help shift your perspective remember the wise words of Maya Angelou: "You did what you knew how to do. When you know better, you do better." Because you're reading this, I KNOW you're on your way to knowing better and doing better. This journey of self exploration will be SO much easier and smoother when you forgive yourself and others.
Bury the hatchet once and for all and don't pick the scab. Forgive...Let Go...Move Forward...Shine!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
When a Whisper is Louder than a Shout
This continues our series about how to say no and set better boundaries with kids, without stress and anger. I like to view kids as capable and cooperative. Parenting is the process of solving the puzzle of how to bring out the best in already good little people. I found parenting more fun with this approach (vs. punishment, power and control) and along the way happened upon some tricks that seemed to be easier and more effective. Win-Win!
The first super easy way to keep from yelling at your kids was singing. Here is the second...Whisper!
When you find yourself on the verge of freaking out, you can get your point across just as, if not more, effectively by whispering versus shouting. Whispering has intensity because the listener has to pay close attention in order to hear; however, the low volume masks much of the anger in your voice. If you don’t think you can control your facial expression or other non-verbal language, take a deep breath and let it out. Then approach your child from behind. With your hands on their shoulders or by wrapping them up in a hug, close your eyes, and then whisper your message in their ear. Make sure to close your eyes!!! It’ll help keep you calmer as you speak.
There’s also an intrigue in whispering. If you’re contained enough to keep your frustration out of your voice and gestures, approach them quietly. Beckon them to “come here” with arched eyebrows and wide eyes, like you have an exciting secret. If you have more than one child, have them huddle around like you’re going to share an interesting mystery. The curiosity built by your approach will assure you have their full attention. They’ll be engaged and ready to hear what you have to say. Then whisper your directives to them. (If they’re little make a game out of staying quiet while they complete the task.)
Even if your irritation pushes your voice to a loud, harsh whisper, the intensity will convey your seriousness about your message without going into a rage. It may be even more intense than shouting in some ways. Yet, it’s less traumatic than being shrieked at.
Whispering can be a way to break up old habits. Yelling can become such a staple in many families that kids just learn to tune it out. Whispering demonstrates that you’re in control and deliberately managing your stress and anger, which lends credibility rather than they just growing accustomed to riding out the storms. Shaking up your routine can help get your message across more effectively.
Next time you have an occasion to loose your temper, and yell, choose to SING or WHISPER instead. Note how differently your family reacts. Notice what it was like for you not to yell.
These stressful times will pass. The question is how will you look back on how you handled it? You want to be a source of love and comfort for your children. Be the best parent you can be by getting the support you need so you can be there for your children when they need you the most. Use these tools so you can look back on the way you handled this difficult, demanding chapter of your life without regret.
If you’d like more tools for how to create Better Boundaries and a Better Life, visit my website at www.pleaseaholics.com or contact me at stephanie@pleaseholics.com.
The first super easy way to keep from yelling at your kids was singing. Here is the second...Whisper!
When you find yourself on the verge of freaking out, you can get your point across just as, if not more, effectively by whispering versus shouting. Whispering has intensity because the listener has to pay close attention in order to hear; however, the low volume masks much of the anger in your voice. If you don’t think you can control your facial expression or other non-verbal language, take a deep breath and let it out. Then approach your child from behind. With your hands on their shoulders or by wrapping them up in a hug, close your eyes, and then whisper your message in their ear. Make sure to close your eyes!!! It’ll help keep you calmer as you speak.
There’s also an intrigue in whispering. If you’re contained enough to keep your frustration out of your voice and gestures, approach them quietly. Beckon them to “come here” with arched eyebrows and wide eyes, like you have an exciting secret. If you have more than one child, have them huddle around like you’re going to share an interesting mystery. The curiosity built by your approach will assure you have their full attention. They’ll be engaged and ready to hear what you have to say. Then whisper your directives to them. (If they’re little make a game out of staying quiet while they complete the task.)
Even if your irritation pushes your voice to a loud, harsh whisper, the intensity will convey your seriousness about your message without going into a rage. It may be even more intense than shouting in some ways. Yet, it’s less traumatic than being shrieked at.
Whispering can be a way to break up old habits. Yelling can become such a staple in many families that kids just learn to tune it out. Whispering demonstrates that you’re in control and deliberately managing your stress and anger, which lends credibility rather than they just growing accustomed to riding out the storms. Shaking up your routine can help get your message across more effectively.
Next time you have an occasion to loose your temper, and yell, choose to SING or WHISPER instead. Note how differently your family reacts. Notice what it was like for you not to yell.
These stressful times will pass. The question is how will you look back on how you handled it? You want to be a source of love and comfort for your children. Be the best parent you can be by getting the support you need so you can be there for your children when they need you the most. Use these tools so you can look back on the way you handled this difficult, demanding chapter of your life without regret.
If you’d like more tools for how to create Better Boundaries and a Better Life, visit my website at www.pleaseaholics.com or contact me at stephanie@pleaseholics.com.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Sing Your Way To Better Parenting, Better Life
As I was crafting this week’s article, I was reminded me of a comment I heard author Toni Morrison say during an interview with Oprah. She pointed out the impact of what a child sees on their parents face when they approach them. Very often, the parent is scanning the kiddo for cleanliness, matching clothes or is distracted all together. She made a rule to always smile and make eye contact when her children approach.
I really loved this concept and decided to follow Ms. Morrison’s lead. A child’s value is reflected to them in their parents’ eyes. I now make it a habit to smile and show our kids how genuinely happy I am to see them. It helps me be more present and a better listener and overtly demonstrates that I truly care. If you missed out of this from your parents, give it to yourself by smiling and making eye contact with yourself in the mirror. You might be surprised by the impact!
Here is the first of two super easy alternatives to yelling at your kids and still get them to listen.
#1 SING!
As anger and frustration build, you can feel the yelling ready to fly out of your mouth. And let’s be honest...sometimes yelling just feels like such a satisfying way to let the cork off the pressure cooker. Afterward, however, you regret the things you said in anger. It’s very easy for yelling to get out of hand, even escalating to verbal or emotional abuse. No parent wants to be the reason his or her child feels hurt or unlovable.
A great way to open the release valve on your stress level without scarring your kids is to sing. SING LOUD! It doesn’t matter if you are tone deaf. The lyrics don’t need to rhyme, or even make sense. All you have to do is put your words to music, with a little spunk and drama added for good measure. (My favorite style is Opera. It sounds terrible, which makes kids laugh. This tends to make them more cooperative. Plus it’s hard to be too mean when acting so foolish.)
A bold, crescendo “Let’s clean up the toys!” allows you to be as loud as you would be if your were yelling, but keep the anger and intimidation out of it so you’re not damaging your kids. Playfulness elicits their cooperation. Ask them to sing with your or add lines to the song while they’re doing what you asked.
Music has a magical power. Use it to get across to the kids in your life without having to resort to yelling and the resentment it creates over time.
I really loved this concept and decided to follow Ms. Morrison’s lead. A child’s value is reflected to them in their parents’ eyes. I now make it a habit to smile and show our kids how genuinely happy I am to see them. It helps me be more present and a better listener and overtly demonstrates that I truly care. If you missed out of this from your parents, give it to yourself by smiling and making eye contact with yourself in the mirror. You might be surprised by the impact!
Here is the first of two super easy alternatives to yelling at your kids and still get them to listen.
#1 SING!
As anger and frustration build, you can feel the yelling ready to fly out of your mouth. And let’s be honest...sometimes yelling just feels like such a satisfying way to let the cork off the pressure cooker. Afterward, however, you regret the things you said in anger. It’s very easy for yelling to get out of hand, even escalating to verbal or emotional abuse. No parent wants to be the reason his or her child feels hurt or unlovable.
A great way to open the release valve on your stress level without scarring your kids is to sing. SING LOUD! It doesn’t matter if you are tone deaf. The lyrics don’t need to rhyme, or even make sense. All you have to do is put your words to music, with a little spunk and drama added for good measure. (My favorite style is Opera. It sounds terrible, which makes kids laugh. This tends to make them more cooperative. Plus it’s hard to be too mean when acting so foolish.)
A bold, crescendo “Let’s clean up the toys!” allows you to be as loud as you would be if your were yelling, but keep the anger and intimidation out of it so you’re not damaging your kids. Playfulness elicits their cooperation. Ask them to sing with your or add lines to the song while they’re doing what you asked.
Music has a magical power. Use it to get across to the kids in your life without having to resort to yelling and the resentment it creates over time.
Friday, September 23, 2011
How To Say NO To Your Kids Without Yelling!
I wanted to share some quick tips to help you be the best parent you can be, even with the pressures life brings. Often during these stressful times, parents feel guilty, drained and burned out. It’s easy to be too lenient with your kids, or for tempers to run high. Rather than lashing out at your children or abandoning rules and structure, use these tools to learn how to say no to your kids and stick with it, and avoid yelling at your children.
Quick tips you can use TODAY to say no to your kids AND STICK TO IT!
Usually saying no and sticking to it is related to your belief in your own authority. Rather than tackling something so big, let’s try some new ways of interacting. Very often when we act first the feeling will follow. By having some great tools you’ll feel more in charge of your parenting, creating a greater belief in your authority.
Children need to know their parents are capable of setting limits. I want you to have some practical tips to be able to give your children structure without adding to your stress level.
Tip #1: Use the power of “No” sparingly
When kids hear “no” all the time, it begins to lose its effectiveness. They can become frustrated because they feel you’re not taking their requests and needs to heart. Therefore, the relationship takes on an adversarial versus cooperative tone. Also, frequent “no’s” make kids think “no” actually means “maybe” or see it as a signal to begin bargaining, rather than taking your no seriously. Kids can’t help but learn this when their barrage of negotiation tactics is met with repeated (and sometimes increasingly loud) no’s until ultimately you given in. “No” becomes diluted, as does their respect for you.
Instead of leaping to “No” then changing your mind, simply say “Maybe”, or “I need a minute to think about that.” I know it sounds simple, but it can be easy to spit out “no” out of habit, frustration or distraction. Once you’ve said no, stick with it. But, you don’t need to repeat yourself over and over. Instead simply ask them, “What was my answer?” and let them fill in their own no.
Quick tips you can use TODAY to say no to your kids AND STICK TO IT!
Usually saying no and sticking to it is related to your belief in your own authority. Rather than tackling something so big, let’s try some new ways of interacting. Very often when we act first the feeling will follow. By having some great tools you’ll feel more in charge of your parenting, creating a greater belief in your authority.
Children need to know their parents are capable of setting limits. I want you to have some practical tips to be able to give your children structure without adding to your stress level.
Tip #1: Use the power of “No” sparingly
When kids hear “no” all the time, it begins to lose its effectiveness. They can become frustrated because they feel you’re not taking their requests and needs to heart. Therefore, the relationship takes on an adversarial versus cooperative tone. Also, frequent “no’s” make kids think “no” actually means “maybe” or see it as a signal to begin bargaining, rather than taking your no seriously. Kids can’t help but learn this when their barrage of negotiation tactics is met with repeated (and sometimes increasingly loud) no’s until ultimately you given in. “No” becomes diluted, as does their respect for you.
Instead of leaping to “No” then changing your mind, simply say “Maybe”, or “I need a minute to think about that.” I know it sounds simple, but it can be easy to spit out “no” out of habit, frustration or distraction. Once you’ve said no, stick with it. But, you don’t need to repeat yourself over and over. Instead simply ask them, “What was my answer?” and let them fill in their own no.
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