I vs. You
This month we’ve been breaking down the Pleaseaholic Formula. We’ve discussed how your Good Heart, Kid Logic and Mob Boss conspire to please others rather than be true to who you really are. To wrap up this topic I want to share a great tip to help you declutter your thoughts so you can hear your true voice.
This is the ONE thing you need to know in order to tell whether the voice that plays in your head is your true voice or not. This unbelievably simple tool is all you need to once and for all separate what you really think from the habits, beliefs and thoughts you’ve been programmed to have. I want you to have the secret to deciphering the endless stream of jabber that runs through your head all day. Often we become so accustomed to a certain way of thinking, it becomes difficult to wade through the junk to figure out what is you TRULY vs. what is your programming or inner critic.
Here’s the decoder ring… it’s super simple!! LISTEN FOR THE PRONOUNS! When you hear your inner voice use “You” that’s your inner critic, old beliefs or garbage that was programmed into your head in the past. When you hear “I” that is your true voice.
As you pay attention you’ll notice that limiting beliefs and inner criticisms almost always come attached with “YOU” On the other hand your true voice uses “I” to communicate with you.
Compare: “You can’t do that – You’re not smart enough” Vs. “I would love to go back to school” “You’ll never be able to make it on your own.” Vs. “I really need to do something about my marriage.”“You’re such a bad mother.” Vs. “I wish I wasn’t so hard on my kids.”
A statement on your inner taps that contains “You” or is negative is a con. It keeps you stuck on old patterns. “I” based thoughts may still reveal a change you need to make but are more constructive and forward focused.
A con only works if the mark doesn’t know what’s coming. Don’t fall for the con any more. I notice with my clients that often just noticing the pronouns starts to silence that inner critic. It’s like once the critic knows you’re aware of the con it stops trying to trip you up with it.
Start today! Use this tool to notice which pronouns you hear in your inner tape. I bet at least once today you’ll foil the con man and take back a sliver of your life. Now you know how to peel away the garbage and find your true voice! Pretty simple huh?
Friday, May 27, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Your inner tape - Bodyguard or Mob Boss?
The Third Element: Mob Boss
This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PHGood Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
So far we’ve talked about the first two pieces - Good Heart and Kid Logic. This week we’ll dig into the role of the MOB BOSS. Did you know you have an inner mafia? Well it’s true! Here’s why.We are all born with an ego that’s programmed to look out for our survival. Your ego’s main function is to manage automatic responses meant to keep you safe. It assesses threats to your physical and emotional health. To make your environment safe and predictable, your ego automatically sends up flares to help you avoid things that could bring you pain. It’s there to protect you, kind of like a bodyguard.
When your Bodyguard senses something or someone similar to a threat that caused you pain in the past, it zaps you to preserve your well being. These signals come in the form of fear, anxiety, guilt and vigilance. This triggers Kid Logic (Pleaseaholic Formula element #2) to start searching for solutions. Kid Logic connects approval with survival. If your past experiences with authority figures left you feeling the best way to earn their love, acceptance or approval is to comply, you can easily slip into people pleasing.
Ironically even though the Bodyguard is supposed to prevent pain, it only speaks the language of fear; a kind of pain in and of itself. When the Bodyguard is trying to get your attention it’ll send fear to prevent you from approaching touchy or dangerous situations. Your bodyguard advises you to adopt cooperation on steroids to avoid pain. While effective at first, these strategies end up being super dysfunctional over time. Imagine the ping pong ball effect this has. You experience something unpleasant so your Bodyguard adds that to the list of things to fear. This leaves you bouncing between things that are actually unpleasant and on alert fearing things that MIGHT be unpleasant. It’s a pretty lose-lose situation. No wonder you’re so exhausted!
The ego’s other job it to keep itself alive. Even as you begin to consider changes in your life that make the Bodyguard less necessary (for example, saying no and setting better boundaries), it will fight you. The ego wants to preserve itself so it can continue to serve as your bodyguard, protecting you from things that might make you uncomfortable, scared or vulnerable. The problem is it doesn’t realize you’re no longer a kid. You don’t need a Bodyguard to be safe any more.
BODY GUARD TURNED MOB BOSS
Over time this bodyguard morphs into a mob boss. Just as the Godfather offers unsolicited favors, then comes calling for “pay back” from unsuspecting victims, your ego starts out as a benevolent bodyguard, working to keep you safe. Then it unsuspectingly places you in a trap of fears, doubts, sadness, anxiety or guilt. Your Mob Boss makes it feel difficult, or even life threatening, to consider change or stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s the emotional equivalent of a horse head in your bed. The bodyguard convinces you that you “owe it” for providing protection in the past. You feel captive and beholden to it. Without knowing why, a voice in your head tells you to fear change. The Mob Boss is the source of guilt, fear, unworthiness, depression, anxiety or doubt you encounter that keep you stuck.
It can feel literally life threatening to step out of old roles and patterns connected to People Pleasing. Your Bodyguard has convinced you that to be safe, worthy and valuable you must make those around you happy, even at your own expense. You “pay” the mob boss in the form of staying stuck, struggling to say no, questioning your own thoughts, wishes and worthiness, tolerating dysfunctional relationships and battling a relentless inner critic. What was originally set up to help you safely navigate your world has turned into a prison. The mob boss will tend to show up in consistent ways over your life. As you make strides to separate from old patterns, you’ll feel a renewed sense of freedom and satisfaction. Then a challenging situation will erupt, and your Mob Boss will tempt you to return to the comforts of old coping strategies.
Just like the mob, just when you think you’re out, your ego pulls you back in. However, like most bullies, when the Mob Boss is confronted it backs down. Gladly the Mob Boss doesn’t require you to forcefully confront it in order to break free. Rather, I’ve seen time and time again that just acknowledging that the critical, fearful voice in your head is the Mob Boss is enough to get you into witness protection. Now that you know it’s just a con, you can choose not to participate.
Act First: When you experience fear, anxiety, doubt or other limiting feelings, remember it’s just the Mob Boss trying to pull a con. Say to yourself: “This isn’t the real me. Go away Mob Boss. I’m safe without a bodyguard.” You might be surprised by what happens!
This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PHGood Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
So far we’ve talked about the first two pieces - Good Heart and Kid Logic. This week we’ll dig into the role of the MOB BOSS. Did you know you have an inner mafia? Well it’s true! Here’s why.We are all born with an ego that’s programmed to look out for our survival. Your ego’s main function is to manage automatic responses meant to keep you safe. It assesses threats to your physical and emotional health. To make your environment safe and predictable, your ego automatically sends up flares to help you avoid things that could bring you pain. It’s there to protect you, kind of like a bodyguard.
When your Bodyguard senses something or someone similar to a threat that caused you pain in the past, it zaps you to preserve your well being. These signals come in the form of fear, anxiety, guilt and vigilance. This triggers Kid Logic (Pleaseaholic Formula element #2) to start searching for solutions. Kid Logic connects approval with survival. If your past experiences with authority figures left you feeling the best way to earn their love, acceptance or approval is to comply, you can easily slip into people pleasing.
Ironically even though the Bodyguard is supposed to prevent pain, it only speaks the language of fear; a kind of pain in and of itself. When the Bodyguard is trying to get your attention it’ll send fear to prevent you from approaching touchy or dangerous situations. Your bodyguard advises you to adopt cooperation on steroids to avoid pain. While effective at first, these strategies end up being super dysfunctional over time. Imagine the ping pong ball effect this has. You experience something unpleasant so your Bodyguard adds that to the list of things to fear. This leaves you bouncing between things that are actually unpleasant and on alert fearing things that MIGHT be unpleasant. It’s a pretty lose-lose situation. No wonder you’re so exhausted!
The ego’s other job it to keep itself alive. Even as you begin to consider changes in your life that make the Bodyguard less necessary (for example, saying no and setting better boundaries), it will fight you. The ego wants to preserve itself so it can continue to serve as your bodyguard, protecting you from things that might make you uncomfortable, scared or vulnerable. The problem is it doesn’t realize you’re no longer a kid. You don’t need a Bodyguard to be safe any more.
BODY GUARD TURNED MOB BOSS
Over time this bodyguard morphs into a mob boss. Just as the Godfather offers unsolicited favors, then comes calling for “pay back” from unsuspecting victims, your ego starts out as a benevolent bodyguard, working to keep you safe. Then it unsuspectingly places you in a trap of fears, doubts, sadness, anxiety or guilt. Your Mob Boss makes it feel difficult, or even life threatening, to consider change or stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s the emotional equivalent of a horse head in your bed. The bodyguard convinces you that you “owe it” for providing protection in the past. You feel captive and beholden to it. Without knowing why, a voice in your head tells you to fear change. The Mob Boss is the source of guilt, fear, unworthiness, depression, anxiety or doubt you encounter that keep you stuck.
It can feel literally life threatening to step out of old roles and patterns connected to People Pleasing. Your Bodyguard has convinced you that to be safe, worthy and valuable you must make those around you happy, even at your own expense. You “pay” the mob boss in the form of staying stuck, struggling to say no, questioning your own thoughts, wishes and worthiness, tolerating dysfunctional relationships and battling a relentless inner critic. What was originally set up to help you safely navigate your world has turned into a prison. The mob boss will tend to show up in consistent ways over your life. As you make strides to separate from old patterns, you’ll feel a renewed sense of freedom and satisfaction. Then a challenging situation will erupt, and your Mob Boss will tempt you to return to the comforts of old coping strategies.
Just like the mob, just when you think you’re out, your ego pulls you back in. However, like most bullies, when the Mob Boss is confronted it backs down. Gladly the Mob Boss doesn’t require you to forcefully confront it in order to break free. Rather, I’ve seen time and time again that just acknowledging that the critical, fearful voice in your head is the Mob Boss is enough to get you into witness protection. Now that you know it’s just a con, you can choose not to participate.
Act First: When you experience fear, anxiety, doubt or other limiting feelings, remember it’s just the Mob Boss trying to pull a con. Say to yourself: “This isn’t the real me. Go away Mob Boss. I’m safe without a bodyguard.” You might be surprised by what happens!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Has Kid Logic Hijacked Your Journey?
This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
Previously we drove into the first piece: Your Good Heart. This week we’ll look at the second one – KID LOGIC. Most patterns we repeat began long ago in childhood. Therefore, these behaviors have their origins in a naive, less mature perspective. This vantage point is called “kid logic.” You chose a solution based on what worked and made sense as a kid.
It’s not surprising then, if sometimes you question why you respond the ways you do or wonder why your reaction feels incongruent with who you really are. Your reaction is couched in the coping skills of a child, not as the capable adult and divine being you really are. So if you find yourself shutting down or using a small, high voice when things aren’t going the way you’d like, you probably found that to be an effective strategy as a toddler or unrestrained child. If you respond to disapproval, disappointment or anger by walking on eggs shells, you probably experienced fear or rejection as a child.
People Pleasing is connected to all or nothing thinking. Again this is a hallmark of kid logic. It makes perfect sense that a child would fear being abandoned if they fall out of favor with important, powerful adults. Children believe if they displease people, rejection will be permanent. Kids conclude they are at risk to be lost, alone and unloved forever. Kid Logic connects approval to survival. As a result, kids will do anything to please their parents if they feel the threat of rejection looming.
Left unchecked, People Pleasers brings Kid Logic forward into adulthood. Do you find yourself jumping to defend one or both of your parents? Do you feel an inner pull to protect or save your children, spouse or partner? Do you go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disappointing others?
This is a sure sign that you scrambled to keep your parents happy, learned to take the blame when they became upset or carried the responsibility of caretaking the emotional needs of others as a child. Kid logic has hitched a ride along the way to show up in your adult dealing too, even though you’re so much more capable now then you were as a kid. A child needs to know they are loved unconditionally to avoid the snares of people pleasing and other dysfunctional traps. Most parents, teachers and other adults aren’t equipped to help kids comply with household or classroom rules or religious standards without placing conditions upon the child’s innate goodness. Even if the parent only means to modify behavior, they leave children with the message that they are acceptable only if they obey. This is to say nothering of the scars left by adults who intentionally abuse their power over children.
The buttons parents press to motivate their children to comply are the same soft spots that leave People Pleasers open to peer pressure in the future. The seeds of People Pleasing are planted early and continue to sprout.
Because children are designed to blame themselves, you may have learned to question if you are lovable and worthy. Kids are preprogrammed to conclude:
•“I’m a bad, stupid kid. I deserved to get hit (yelled at, rejected, ignored, put down, etc.). If I was good they wouldn’t have to punish me.”
•“I’m mad at my parents (or feel unprotected) but I can’t show it, so I have to shove my anger and sadness inside.”
•“My parents don’t seem to be able to take care of things around here very well. I better step up and be strong or we’re all in serious trouble.”
Kid Logic lures you to become hypercritical of yourself. When you encounter a difficult situation you may automatically revert to how you’ve handled a situation that made you feel uncomfortable in the past. Remember you have SO many more tools and emotional resources available to you now than you did when you were a kid.
How to Disconnect Kid Logic: Rather than use old habits that kid logic tries to entice you to employ, imagine how you would have handled a tough situation from childhood knowing all you know now. Replay that scenario in your mind using the coping skills you have now that you’ve grown up. This process cuts the ties to these old habits.
When Kid Logic tempts you to use old patterns to solve your current challenges, remember you don’t have to revert of the knee jerk solutions you picked up as a kid. You can move forward with your best foot forward and most mature approach.
When you check Kid Logic at the door you’ll stop stumbling over old ways of being and open the door to your best life!
GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
Previously we drove into the first piece: Your Good Heart. This week we’ll look at the second one – KID LOGIC. Most patterns we repeat began long ago in childhood. Therefore, these behaviors have their origins in a naive, less mature perspective. This vantage point is called “kid logic.” You chose a solution based on what worked and made sense as a kid.
It’s not surprising then, if sometimes you question why you respond the ways you do or wonder why your reaction feels incongruent with who you really are. Your reaction is couched in the coping skills of a child, not as the capable adult and divine being you really are. So if you find yourself shutting down or using a small, high voice when things aren’t going the way you’d like, you probably found that to be an effective strategy as a toddler or unrestrained child. If you respond to disapproval, disappointment or anger by walking on eggs shells, you probably experienced fear or rejection as a child.
People Pleasing is connected to all or nothing thinking. Again this is a hallmark of kid logic. It makes perfect sense that a child would fear being abandoned if they fall out of favor with important, powerful adults. Children believe if they displease people, rejection will be permanent. Kids conclude they are at risk to be lost, alone and unloved forever. Kid Logic connects approval to survival. As a result, kids will do anything to please their parents if they feel the threat of rejection looming.
Left unchecked, People Pleasers brings Kid Logic forward into adulthood. Do you find yourself jumping to defend one or both of your parents? Do you feel an inner pull to protect or save your children, spouse or partner? Do you go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disappointing others?
This is a sure sign that you scrambled to keep your parents happy, learned to take the blame when they became upset or carried the responsibility of caretaking the emotional needs of others as a child. Kid logic has hitched a ride along the way to show up in your adult dealing too, even though you’re so much more capable now then you were as a kid. A child needs to know they are loved unconditionally to avoid the snares of people pleasing and other dysfunctional traps. Most parents, teachers and other adults aren’t equipped to help kids comply with household or classroom rules or religious standards without placing conditions upon the child’s innate goodness. Even if the parent only means to modify behavior, they leave children with the message that they are acceptable only if they obey. This is to say nothering of the scars left by adults who intentionally abuse their power over children.
The buttons parents press to motivate their children to comply are the same soft spots that leave People Pleasers open to peer pressure in the future. The seeds of People Pleasing are planted early and continue to sprout.
Because children are designed to blame themselves, you may have learned to question if you are lovable and worthy. Kids are preprogrammed to conclude:
•“I’m a bad, stupid kid. I deserved to get hit (yelled at, rejected, ignored, put down, etc.). If I was good they wouldn’t have to punish me.”
•“I’m mad at my parents (or feel unprotected) but I can’t show it, so I have to shove my anger and sadness inside.”
•“My parents don’t seem to be able to take care of things around here very well. I better step up and be strong or we’re all in serious trouble.”
Kid Logic lures you to become hypercritical of yourself. When you encounter a difficult situation you may automatically revert to how you’ve handled a situation that made you feel uncomfortable in the past. Remember you have SO many more tools and emotional resources available to you now than you did when you were a kid.
How to Disconnect Kid Logic: Rather than use old habits that kid logic tries to entice you to employ, imagine how you would have handled a tough situation from childhood knowing all you know now. Replay that scenario in your mind using the coping skills you have now that you’ve grown up. This process cuts the ties to these old habits.
When Kid Logic tempts you to use old patterns to solve your current challenges, remember you don’t have to revert of the knee jerk solutions you picked up as a kid. You can move forward with your best foot forward and most mature approach.
When you check Kid Logic at the door you’ll stop stumbling over old ways of being and open the door to your best life!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Are You On Steroids?
Understanding how and why you became a Pleaseaholic will help you move forward. We covered the Pleaseaholic Formula in broad strokes before.
THE PLEASEAHOLIC FORMULA:
GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss=Pleaseaholic
Now let's explore the perfect storm that converges to create a Pleaseaholic by breaking down the formula into its component parts. First, let’s look at the first element…Good Heart.
GH = GOOD HEART
When you really think about it People Pleasing is such a wonderfully generous, kind-hearted reaction. It's actually cooperation on steroids. You could have chosen any number of ways to solve your problems along the way, and you picked extreme cooperation and generousity. That says a lot about the core of who you are and the intrinsic kindness that exists in your heart.
Remind yourself of your good heart when you find yourself People Pleasing. Empathize with the little fearful child inside of you that's only seeking safety, security and shelter. Consider the love and nurturing he or she needs so much more than another round of criticism.
When you struggle to say no and set boundaries, the adult version of yourself isn’t in charge. A scared, wounded child has hijacked the situation. If you encountered a frightened, lost child in the mall, would you criticize and yell at her, or offer comfort, support and reassurance? Extend yourself the same compassion and kindness. You deserve it just as much as that sweet little one.
Use your good heart to be kind, compassionate and loving to yourself.
Give yourself credit for being such a good person. Refuse to listen as your inner tape entices you to discount your actions because sometimes you made the choise to please others out of fear. That DOES NOT make you weak. It takes much greater strength to be flexible and generous than brash and aggressive. By your very nature you operate from a loving, kind, generous place. Remember…of all the options you had to manage your life, you chose cooperation on steroids.
Stop for a second and really soak that up. Say outloud: “At my core I am a wonderful, generous person.” (Yes, you must actually say it outloud. There’s something powerful connected to speaking the words.)
Act First: Write this statement on Post-Its and note cards and place them around your home, car, wallet, office…any where you spend time so you are surrounded by reminders of your good heart. Repeat the statement out loud whenever it comes into view.
“We do what we know how to do. When we know better we do better.”
Dr. Maya Angelou
You did what you knew how to do when you were young to try to make sense of and feel safe in your surroundings. It’s no coincidence you’re reading this right now. You’ve sensed now is the time to learn something better so you can do something better. Every experience you’ve had on your journey so far and brought you to this moment.
This is your time! Begin your best life today!
THE PLEASEAHOLIC FORMULA:
GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss=Pleaseaholic
Now let's explore the perfect storm that converges to create a Pleaseaholic by breaking down the formula into its component parts. First, let’s look at the first element…Good Heart.
GH = GOOD HEART
When you really think about it People Pleasing is such a wonderfully generous, kind-hearted reaction. It's actually cooperation on steroids. You could have chosen any number of ways to solve your problems along the way, and you picked extreme cooperation and generousity. That says a lot about the core of who you are and the intrinsic kindness that exists in your heart.
Remind yourself of your good heart when you find yourself People Pleasing. Empathize with the little fearful child inside of you that's only seeking safety, security and shelter. Consider the love and nurturing he or she needs so much more than another round of criticism.
When you struggle to say no and set boundaries, the adult version of yourself isn’t in charge. A scared, wounded child has hijacked the situation. If you encountered a frightened, lost child in the mall, would you criticize and yell at her, or offer comfort, support and reassurance? Extend yourself the same compassion and kindness. You deserve it just as much as that sweet little one.
Use your good heart to be kind, compassionate and loving to yourself.
Give yourself credit for being such a good person. Refuse to listen as your inner tape entices you to discount your actions because sometimes you made the choise to please others out of fear. That DOES NOT make you weak. It takes much greater strength to be flexible and generous than brash and aggressive. By your very nature you operate from a loving, kind, generous place. Remember…of all the options you had to manage your life, you chose cooperation on steroids.
Stop for a second and really soak that up. Say outloud: “At my core I am a wonderful, generous person.” (Yes, you must actually say it outloud. There’s something powerful connected to speaking the words.)
Act First: Write this statement on Post-Its and note cards and place them around your home, car, wallet, office…any where you spend time so you are surrounded by reminders of your good heart. Repeat the statement out loud whenever it comes into view.
“We do what we know how to do. When we know better we do better.”
Dr. Maya Angelou
You did what you knew how to do when you were young to try to make sense of and feel safe in your surroundings. It’s no coincidence you’re reading this right now. You’ve sensed now is the time to learn something better so you can do something better. Every experience you’ve had on your journey so far and brought you to this moment.
This is your time! Begin your best life today!
Friday, April 22, 2011
The 85% Rule
The 85% Rule
The 85% Rule is ideal when you’re stuck due to irritation or anger with someone else's behavior.
The 85% Rule is:
85% of other people’s behavior is about them. It has nothing to do with you. Your inner filter determines the other 15%.
If another person is mean, rude or disrespectful, it’s because THEY are mean, rude or disrespectful. It has nothing to do with you. This is when your internal filter comes into play. You may believe others target you specifically or you deserve that level of treatment. Your filter determines your interpretation of other people’s actions and whether or not you choose to get attached to or sucked in by drama.
Your filter also colors how you choose to react and respond. Sometimes we get a great deal of satisfaction by sharing our tales of woe of how someone else has offended us. We wear the badge of “victim” with pride, as a sign and signal of how wounded we are. (This is a perfect excuse to rationalize and avoid responsibility for why things aren’t working in your life by the way. Avoid this trap!) How much time do you want to spend letting mean, rude, disrespectful people run your life or determine your mood? Let it go. Their behavior reflects on them. Your behavior reflects on you. Reflect your best by choosing to operate from a place of peace and strength.
“The big thing is not what happens to us in life - but what we do about what happens to us." - George Allen
Complaining about or paying attention to the ways others have offended you indicates that, on some level, you’re in the habit of being treated in this manner. You may even believe you deserve it. If your filter is set up to respond to acts of “disrespect” you’re going to be triggered by them. For example, my client “Chris” grew up as a scapegoat. He was blamed for every wrong doing in his family. As a result, he learned to interpret other people’s comments as criticism. This started out as a way to protect himself, but over time this became a habit of fear-based mindset and behaviors. He responded defensively and often over reacted to someone’s neutral comment, perpetuating the cycle of rejection.
As we worked to clear his anger, grief and guilt about the mistreatment he experienced throughout his life, he was able to lower his internal threat level. Merely understanding that his reactions were triggered by damage from his past, gave Chris a greater sense of control. Cleaning up his filter and lowering his inner threat level allowed Chris to detach emotionally from other people’s behaviors. He began to experience less stress because he no longer automatically assigned a negative connotation to other people’s action and comments. Chris did not perceive as much judgment from others. Reducing defensiveness gave him the opportunity to respond deliberately, therefore more effectively. People enjoyed his company more and he found less conflict. Not only was he more at peace, but found strength in his ability to guide the course of his interactions to get the results he desired.
Follow these steps when you find a person or situation upsetting:
1. Remember 85% of their behavior is about them only.
You are not to blame. You are not responsible for their actions. You cannot control their choices and actions. Let it go!
2. Ask yourself: What does the present situation remind you of?
What experiences from your past entice you to respond defensively? If you find yourself attracting disrespectful people, it’s because your underlying energies match. They’re looking to irritate someone and, on some level, you’re looking to be irritated. The person you’re triggered by may be in your life to help you learn how to let go of trivial stuff (even when your inner tape is working to convince you it’s crucial to win.)
This irritating person may be just the lesson you need to practice putting your full attention on living your best life. Or maybe that person wants to sabotage your growth. Either way you loose when you choose to let them set the tone. Your inner tape determines which behaviors bug you versus other stuff that rolls off your back. As this tape plays in your head, it creates your interpretation of any event. You assign meaning to your experiences. Record a new tape to clean the gunk out of your filter so fewer things stick to it.
If you find yourself irritated or offended by someone, interrupt the inner tape that is attempting to suck you into drama. Remind yourself other peoples’ behavior doesn’t have to mean what you’ve thought it meant in the past. Recall the 85% Rule. Disconnect from this low-value energy activity and refuse to be pulled down in the muck. Their behavior is not about you. LET IT GO!
Use the 85% Rule to see their bad behavior for what it is: a reflection on them, not you. The changes you’ll see from making this shift will blow your mind!!!
The 85% Rule is ideal when you’re stuck due to irritation or anger with someone else's behavior.
The 85% Rule is:
85% of other people’s behavior is about them. It has nothing to do with you. Your inner filter determines the other 15%.
If another person is mean, rude or disrespectful, it’s because THEY are mean, rude or disrespectful. It has nothing to do with you. This is when your internal filter comes into play. You may believe others target you specifically or you deserve that level of treatment. Your filter determines your interpretation of other people’s actions and whether or not you choose to get attached to or sucked in by drama.
Your filter also colors how you choose to react and respond. Sometimes we get a great deal of satisfaction by sharing our tales of woe of how someone else has offended us. We wear the badge of “victim” with pride, as a sign and signal of how wounded we are. (This is a perfect excuse to rationalize and avoid responsibility for why things aren’t working in your life by the way. Avoid this trap!) How much time do you want to spend letting mean, rude, disrespectful people run your life or determine your mood? Let it go. Their behavior reflects on them. Your behavior reflects on you. Reflect your best by choosing to operate from a place of peace and strength.
“The big thing is not what happens to us in life - but what we do about what happens to us." - George Allen
Complaining about or paying attention to the ways others have offended you indicates that, on some level, you’re in the habit of being treated in this manner. You may even believe you deserve it. If your filter is set up to respond to acts of “disrespect” you’re going to be triggered by them. For example, my client “Chris” grew up as a scapegoat. He was blamed for every wrong doing in his family. As a result, he learned to interpret other people’s comments as criticism. This started out as a way to protect himself, but over time this became a habit of fear-based mindset and behaviors. He responded defensively and often over reacted to someone’s neutral comment, perpetuating the cycle of rejection.
As we worked to clear his anger, grief and guilt about the mistreatment he experienced throughout his life, he was able to lower his internal threat level. Merely understanding that his reactions were triggered by damage from his past, gave Chris a greater sense of control. Cleaning up his filter and lowering his inner threat level allowed Chris to detach emotionally from other people’s behaviors. He began to experience less stress because he no longer automatically assigned a negative connotation to other people’s action and comments. Chris did not perceive as much judgment from others. Reducing defensiveness gave him the opportunity to respond deliberately, therefore more effectively. People enjoyed his company more and he found less conflict. Not only was he more at peace, but found strength in his ability to guide the course of his interactions to get the results he desired.
Follow these steps when you find a person or situation upsetting:
1. Remember 85% of their behavior is about them only.
You are not to blame. You are not responsible for their actions. You cannot control their choices and actions. Let it go!
2. Ask yourself: What does the present situation remind you of?
What experiences from your past entice you to respond defensively? If you find yourself attracting disrespectful people, it’s because your underlying energies match. They’re looking to irritate someone and, on some level, you’re looking to be irritated. The person you’re triggered by may be in your life to help you learn how to let go of trivial stuff (even when your inner tape is working to convince you it’s crucial to win.)
This irritating person may be just the lesson you need to practice putting your full attention on living your best life. Or maybe that person wants to sabotage your growth. Either way you loose when you choose to let them set the tone. Your inner tape determines which behaviors bug you versus other stuff that rolls off your back. As this tape plays in your head, it creates your interpretation of any event. You assign meaning to your experiences. Record a new tape to clean the gunk out of your filter so fewer things stick to it.
If you find yourself irritated or offended by someone, interrupt the inner tape that is attempting to suck you into drama. Remind yourself other peoples’ behavior doesn’t have to mean what you’ve thought it meant in the past. Recall the 85% Rule. Disconnect from this low-value energy activity and refuse to be pulled down in the muck. Their behavior is not about you. LET IT GO!
Use the 85% Rule to see their bad behavior for what it is: a reflection on them, not you. The changes you’ll see from making this shift will blow your mind!!!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The People Pleaser Formula
THE PLEASEAHOLIC FORMULA: GH + KL + MB = PH Understanding how and why you became a Pleaseaholic will help you move forward. This month we’ll explore the perfect storm that converges to create a Pleaseaholic. Understanding this formula will open your eyes to what’s going on, so you can move forward. Today, let’s look at all the components it takes to grow a Pleaseaholic. Then each week of April we’ll dig deeper into each of the pieces of this puzzle to give you a clearer picture of what keeps you stuck. That way you can begin let it go and move forward more quickly. Here’s the Pleaseaholic Formula: GH + KL + MB = PH: Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss=Pleaseaholic
The Pleaseaholic Formula explains WHY we’re driven to People Pleasing. I want to be really clear about why we’re spending any time looking at the “Why.” Answering this question is ONLY important for one reason: I want you to have a better understanding of what enticed you into People Pleasing in the first place. That will make it easier to let yourself off the hook, rather than beat yourself up, when you end of being spread so thin. By understanding why you’ve chosen the path you’re on, you’ll be more able to forgive yourself (and others) and extend yourself kindness, compassion and empathy as you move forward. That way you can side step land mines rather than repeat old patterns. This will NOT be an exercise in blaming others or making excuses. If you’re waiting for whoever launched you onto your Pleaseaholic path to change or apologize so your life can improve, you’re going to waiting a very, very long time. No one deserves to have that kind of power over your life any more. I want you to choose your life deliberately rather than just floating along wherever the current takes you. It would be a disservice to allow or encourage you to make excuses. Blaming others keeps you from all the good stuff that’s available once you shift your mindset.
The Pleaseaholic Formula describes the perfect combination of factors needed to produce a Pleaseaholic. AKA why you’re a Pleaseaholic. The short answer to why you’re a People Pleaser is this: People Pleasing was the best solution you could come up with so far to manage your world. When we encounter a challenge or feel afraid the human brain seeks to solve the problem. Behaviors you use over and over exist because somehow these habits have worked well enough so far. You also stay stuck if you don’t know a better way exists or think taking a different path would be too difficult. There’s always a good reason you’ve chosen the behaviors, thoughts and feelings you’re employing currently…because they’ve worked well enough in the past to survive.
Now it’s time to THRIVE!
People Pleasing costs time, money and joy or causes stress and dysfunction. You’ve decided these consequences are either tolerable or preferable compared to what you fear would happen if you tried something different. You sacrifice your true self and morph into who and what others want you to be.
Even though this is an exorbitant price to pay, Pleaseaholics have been trained long ago that it is better to keep people happy than risk upsetting the apple cart. The fear of what might happen if people around you are upset, trumps the pain of contorting yourself to comply with the needs of others.
The most important thing to remember is you had an infinite number of choices for how to manage the stressors of your life and you chose cooperation on steroids. That says a lots about the wonderful person you are at your core. If that inner critic starts to chirp at you, remember the kindness that fuels your good heart. It takes strength to be as flexible and accommodating as you’ve been. With such a good heart and amazing strength, you can achieve anything!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Can you believe THIS makes people happy?
Why Aren't I Happy Yet? So many people in our society find themselves struggling to be happy. This article answers the question “Why aren’t I happy yet?” The purpose of asking why isn’t to blame or stay stuck. Rather, understanding why will help you be more compassionate with yourself so you can move forward. Plus you'll learn the simple act that shared by happy people. I couldn't believe what it was, so I want to share their secret with you too! First, we have to understand happiness is a fairly modern phenomenon to seek happiness. Through most of history people have been scraping by just to meet basic needs and didn’t really have time to consider happiness. Especially in a relatively affluent society like ours, so many of our basic needs are taken care of that we have the mental space to pay attention to what’s next. That’s why we become disenchanted with material success and can feel hollow if we don’t have meaningful connections in our life. Often the people that suffer the most in silence are people who appear to have it all and have it all together by society’s standards, but inside they feel unfulfilled, empty, or fear people will find out they’re not actually good enough. If you’re one of these people, you probably feel super guilty that you’re not more satisfied. You probably say: “I should quit complaining. I have so much to be grateful for. I should just stop whining. So many people have it worse than me. I should be happy. What’s wrong with me?” Even worse, if you talk with other people about how you feel unfulfilled or sad, you’re likely to be met with a pretty unsympathetic response. Other people may say, “I wish that was my biggest problem. How hard can it be? You have it all. It must be nice.” This just reinforces your sense of isolation and guilt. Successful yet secretly sad people hide in plain sight. Are you one of these unhappy people hiding behind success and bling who’s actually a shell – hollow and lonely? Are you frightened that people might find out your secret…that you don’t think you’re as great as everyone thinks you are? If so, it’s no coincidence you’re reading this article today. You’re in the right place at the right time. I can help. What makes happiness so illusive, even when it seems like you’re doing everything right? I bet you’ll see yourself somewhere on this list. 1. Are you a Perfectionist? Being so hard on yourself makes it difficult to see what’s actually going well. Force yourself to come up with 1 thing you’re good at. 2. Do you get snared in the “I’ll be happy when…” trap? I’ll be happy when… I get a good jobHave my dream car or houseLoose 10 (or 50!) poundsGet marriedHave a babyETC… What beauty exists in your life now? Look at the mountains or other beauties in nature. Notice a child laughing. What do you have to be happy about right now? 3. Are you pursuing goals, standards for success and achievements that are other people’s expectations for you rather than what truly reflects who you are and what’s important for you? What do you really want? What are you doing when time just flies by? 4. Do you equate value with external stuff?I am my house, job, clothes, car, money, body image, and your children’s successYou have value just because you’re breathing. Your value is in being not doing, earning or achieving. 5. Are you disconnected form your purpose, calling or passion? It’s easy to busy yourself filling your life with what you think you “should” be doing, so you no longer spend time on what truly fills you up inside. What are you passionate about? (If not sure – guess. I bet your guess is right on.) What are you doing when you find time just flies by blissfully? Spend 1 minute a day pursuing your passion. Take a small step today! 6. Have you experienced grief and loss? Very often sadness is the result of losing someone or something important. Perhaps you cling to the pain because you fear you won’t be able to get it back together. Or you believe the pain is the only thing that keeps you connected to what or who you’ve lost. Actually your grief is a signal of how well you loved. You’re perfectly right to crave happiness and miss it when it’s not there. Rather than judge yourself, see this longing for happiness as a wake up call to what’s possible. This is the Universe begging you to realize your capacity to serve and achieve. Life is nudging you to remember what you’re put on this earth to do…to rekindle your purpose and passion for life. If your sadness is related to a loss, your search for happiness is a calling to honor the memory of who or what you’ve lost by adding more meaningful interactions to your life. What message is the Universe trying to send you? This is your wake up call. Reach out for my hand…I will help you get from the sad, heavy, frustrated to happy, successful and peaceful. In the meantime, begin the secret habit that’s shared by happy people. It’s so simple you might not believe it! Happy people make their bed! If you’re not happy yet, act first as happy people do and expect the feelings will follow. Put this practice into place as an invitation to create more happiness in your life. Happy bed making!
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