The Secret Word is…
You can completely change the tone of a conversation by just altering ONE WORD in your sentence. By shifting the quality of the conversation you can improve not only your communication, but your relationships too. I want you to have this communication secret!
The trick is to change your conjunctions. Replace the word “but” with “and.” “And” brings a bridge between the two halves of a sentence. “But” describes a contrast or conflict between the two. The difference this one small change makes will blow your mind!
Often when we’re giving feedback to someone about something we want them to correct, we try to buffer it by starting off with something nice then finish up with the critique. Almost always, we join these two ideas using “but” in the middle. For example, a boss might say, “I really appreciate you working to get all the filing done, but the blue folders needed to go to corporate.” While this is a good effort to spare the employee’s feelings, the employee only hears the criticism. Remember this rule: The human brain minimizes everything that comes before the “but.”
This is true with all types of communication.
“I love you , but…”
“I care about you, but…”
“It’s really important to me but…”
“I appreciate your effort, but…”
The “but” negates the good stuff you truly want to be the focus of your message to a person you care about a lot.
The solution is to use one of the three following options:
1. Switch the order of the feedback. Start with the critique and finish off with the compliment. For example, the boss could have said, “The blue folders needed to go to corporate, but I really appreciate you working to get all the filing done.” The employee still understands the problem needs to be corrected, but leaves feeling appreciated.
2. Use Compliment Sandwich. This is similar to #1; however with Compliment Sandwich the corrective action is sandwiched between two compliments. Using our same example, the boss could say, “I really appreciate you working to get all the filing done. The blue folders actually needed to go to corporate. Thanks for working so hard to get that taken care of.”
3. Trade “but” for “and” When you eliminate the “but” and replace it with “and” the whole tone of the sentence changes. In fact, you kind of have to shift up the words so the sentence even makes sense. Compare “I love you, but I can’t make it to your game this weekend.” with “I love you, and I can’t make it to your game this weekend.” “And” almost dictates that you have to soften the disappointing news. For example, “I love you, and I’m so disappointed I’m going to miss your game this weekend.” You’ll find yourself naturally rewording your sentences to accommodate the kindness “And” delivers.
Assignment: Switch out “but” in favor of “and.” Let me know how your communication and relationships shift!
If you want more ideas and solutions to improve your life, go to www.pleaseaholics.com and get my Free CD, Stop Being So Hard On Yourself! Simple Steps to Becoming Happier and More Productive. Also available online: The Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System and Marketing & Mindset Money Magnet Home Study System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
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