Fall is one if my favorite times of year. Since I was a kid I’ve loved the crisp air, school days and football season. If you haven’t treated yourself to a honey crisp apple yet, rush to the store and buy one immediately! J Perhaps the best feature of autumn is the vibrant jewel tone colors. They take my breath away! I can’t help but notice the beautiful reds, oranges, yellows and golds.
That gorgeous foliage reminds me to reflect on the changing seasons – emphasis on CHANGE. Fall is a great time to turn over a new leaf…make a change. Change doesn’t have to be difficult or painful, despite what we’ve been conditioned to believe, especially when we start small. Use the beauty of the changes you see in nature as inspiration to turn over a new life in your life.Turn over a new leaf.
Think of a change would you like to create in your life.
Change isn’t always comfortable. Often to experience change you have to push through the discomfort that’s kept you stuck up to this point. I expect results for you. I would be doing you a disservice if I just let you float along as you have been so far. I know the good stuff that’s waiting for you on the other side of that resistance, so I’m excited to see you break through! You may find, however, it’s not as difficult and won’t take as long as you think.
Don’t worry! Great results can come from very small changes. Dr. Robert Mauer’s Kaisen method of change, detailed in his book, One Small Step Can Change Your Life, teaches that even the smallest changes can bring about significant results. Allowing yourself the option to just make a small change squelches the fears and doubts that have sabotaged your progress in the past.
Create change with ridiculously small steps so it’s not too much too soon. We want real results that last, not sudden leaps that are merely a flash in the pan. Plus, if the change isn’t that different from what you’re doing already, you’re more likely to do it, rather than get overwhelmed with a huge step or flooded with fear. You’ll be able to overcome inertia and use the momentum from small changes to propel you forward.
For example, let’s say your goal is to be debt free. That can be a tall order! Rather than get psyched out by the enormity of the goal, think of the smallest step you could take in that direction. I mean microscopically small. To begin your path toward financial freedom, decide you’ll add an extra penny to each of your payments next month. Then the next month make it two cents or maybe go crazy and add an extra dollar.
Over time you’ll see the benefits of this small gesture, and find inspiration to make your changes bigger. The key is to just turn over one leaf today. Start small.
What’s your goal?
What change do you want to create?
What’s the first ridiculously small step you’ll take in that direction? Start today!
If you want more ideas and solutions to improve your life, go to www.pleaseaholics.com and get my Free CD, Stop Being So Hard On Yourself! Simple Steps to Becoming Happier and More Produtive. Also available online: The Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System and Marketing & Mindset Money Magent Home Sutdy System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Can't Say No? Are You Being Selfish?
Ask any recovering Pleaseaholic to name her top 5 challenges and she will always include “I struggle to say no.” on the list. I hope you know you’re not alone! There are so many good reasons and great intentions behind your willingness to be so generous. We don’t want to take away your good heart, but rather keep you from becoming so overwhelmed that you’re no longer effective and helpful.
No matter why saying no is difficult for you, changing how you think about it will help. The sense of obligation to say yes can actually be a very selfish thing. When you say yes to everything, it leaves fewer opportunities for others. By deciding you “should” say yes, even when you don’t really want to, you’re robbing someone else of the opportunity to serve, grow his or her abilities or learn something new. Is the fact that you’d feel guilty if you said no more important than someone else’s desire to contribute? I bet you didn’t even realize you were putting your feelings ahead of the needs of others.
In struggling to say no, you’re also scattering your attention so that your true priorities don’t get the energy and attention they deserve. This often leaves you feeling like you’re working SO HARD to make everything work and everyone happy that you’re running yourself ragged. You’re not able to give your best to the people you care about who truly need you. Even with all that work, you may still feel like you’re not doing anything as well as you’d like. That’s a lose-lose situation.
Remind yourself that it’s not only OK, but better so say no sometimes. You’ll have more energy, better focus and a greater sense of satisfaction because your energies are focused on the things that matter to you most.
Often the habit of saying “yes” gets so engrained that you no longer know what you really want to do. If you don’t trust yourself to pick and choose well, take yourself out of the equation. Just Say No! Say “No” to every new request for your time (going out to lunch with a friend, planning the office holiday party, taking on extra projects, volunteering for a committee, going shopping with your mom, etc.). I usually make this a month-long assignment for my clients, but I want you to just dip your toe in the water to get started.
Your Assignment: Say no to everything for one day. (If you really want to stretch yourself, stick with it for one week. J) I know you may be thinking, “I wouldn’t even know what to say.” Just say, “I’m sorry. I’m making a point to not take on anything new right now. Please ask me again in the future.”
Pay attention to the things you are relieved you have an excuse to say no to. Notice the things you feel you “should” have said yes to. These will make you feel urgent, jumpy, and yucky inside. You may even find yourself picking up the phone to take back your no when the “shoulds” show up. This would be truly selfish because the main reason you’d be saying yes it to make yourself feel better. Stay firm in your no! What did you wish you “could” say yes to. (Do you see the difference between should vs. could?) These are the things you feel exicted and happy about and are disapppointed you’ll miss out on. These are the things you truly want to do.
Your Assignment: On your calendar, journal or notebook, track your reactions to your Just Say No project. Which requests are you relieved to decline? Who asked you to do things you felt you “should” have said yes to? What are you bummed you had to say no to? Do you notice any patterns?
Once the day (or week) is over, you can continue to use the “Just Say No” rule to determine your true feelings about a request. Do more of the things you truly want to do with the people you actually enjoy spending time with. Keep saying no to the types of activities you wish you had a way out of or feel you “should” do. Let me know how it’s going!
If you want more ideas and solutions about how to say no and stick with it and rid yourself of the disease to please, check out the Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
No matter why saying no is difficult for you, changing how you think about it will help. The sense of obligation to say yes can actually be a very selfish thing. When you say yes to everything, it leaves fewer opportunities for others. By deciding you “should” say yes, even when you don’t really want to, you’re robbing someone else of the opportunity to serve, grow his or her abilities or learn something new. Is the fact that you’d feel guilty if you said no more important than someone else’s desire to contribute? I bet you didn’t even realize you were putting your feelings ahead of the needs of others.
In struggling to say no, you’re also scattering your attention so that your true priorities don’t get the energy and attention they deserve. This often leaves you feeling like you’re working SO HARD to make everything work and everyone happy that you’re running yourself ragged. You’re not able to give your best to the people you care about who truly need you. Even with all that work, you may still feel like you’re not doing anything as well as you’d like. That’s a lose-lose situation.
Remind yourself that it’s not only OK, but better so say no sometimes. You’ll have more energy, better focus and a greater sense of satisfaction because your energies are focused on the things that matter to you most.
Often the habit of saying “yes” gets so engrained that you no longer know what you really want to do. If you don’t trust yourself to pick and choose well, take yourself out of the equation. Just Say No! Say “No” to every new request for your time (going out to lunch with a friend, planning the office holiday party, taking on extra projects, volunteering for a committee, going shopping with your mom, etc.). I usually make this a month-long assignment for my clients, but I want you to just dip your toe in the water to get started.
Your Assignment: Say no to everything for one day. (If you really want to stretch yourself, stick with it for one week. J) I know you may be thinking, “I wouldn’t even know what to say.” Just say, “I’m sorry. I’m making a point to not take on anything new right now. Please ask me again in the future.”
Pay attention to the things you are relieved you have an excuse to say no to. Notice the things you feel you “should” have said yes to. These will make you feel urgent, jumpy, and yucky inside. You may even find yourself picking up the phone to take back your no when the “shoulds” show up. This would be truly selfish because the main reason you’d be saying yes it to make yourself feel better. Stay firm in your no! What did you wish you “could” say yes to. (Do you see the difference between should vs. could?) These are the things you feel exicted and happy about and are disapppointed you’ll miss out on. These are the things you truly want to do.
Your Assignment: On your calendar, journal or notebook, track your reactions to your Just Say No project. Which requests are you relieved to decline? Who asked you to do things you felt you “should” have said yes to? What are you bummed you had to say no to? Do you notice any patterns?
Once the day (or week) is over, you can continue to use the “Just Say No” rule to determine your true feelings about a request. Do more of the things you truly want to do with the people you actually enjoy spending time with. Keep saying no to the types of activities you wish you had a way out of or feel you “should” do. Let me know how it’s going!
If you want more ideas and solutions about how to say no and stick with it and rid yourself of the disease to please, check out the Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
Business Mindset Secret: Mind Your Own Business
A defining moment in the success of my business occurred when I learned this Mindset secret.
When we set out to launch our first business over a decade ago, we almost crashed and burned before we even got started. We had reach a verbal agreement to buy an existing company, when at the last minute they agreed to sell their business to someone else. We were heart broken and angry. Nevertheless, we decided to put that in our rearview mirror and build our own company from the ground up. Now it’s easy to say we were “moving on” from a perceived offense or injury, but another to actually let go of resentment. Nevertheless its festering negativity that can be our undoing if we’re not careful.
Of course, our main competitor was the new owners of the company we’d wanted to buy. It would have been really easy to start off our company with a chip on our shoulder, a bitter attitude and an intention to destroy them. Fortunately (but not accidently, since there are no accidents) the start of our business coinsided with the beginning of my interest and learning about the law of attraction. I was new to the concept that “what you put your attention on grows, ” but I knew I didn’t want have the roots of our business planted in toxic soil. As a result, I choose to make a specific and deliberate choice to focus NOT on wanting negative things for our competitor, but on attracting magically positive outcomes for OUR business. I was discussing our business plans with a former colleague and he asked me, “Don’t you want to just take those other guys out at the knees?” I responded, “No. We’re not going to be successful if I’m distracted by trying to undermine them. We’ll put our focus on what we have the most direct influence on— growing OUR business. If in the process, we put them out of business, so be it.” And that’s what happened. By putting our positive attention on being of willing service to our clients our business grew by leaps and bounds in the first year. We multiplied our growth in the years to come, eventually becoming #1 in our industry for our area, while proudly maintaining our reputation for great service. In fact, we came to have a cooperative relationship with our competitors. This saved tons of time and energy that others may have chose to spend on mud slinging and unethical behavior.
Being deliberate about where we focused our attention was supported by a couple other key laws of attraction. By remaining mindful that there is a limitless supply of abundance in the universe, we didn’t even have a desire for the downfall of our competitors business. There’s plenty for everyone. This mindset saturates our work and sets the tone for cheerful, generous interactions, rather than bitter stinginess. Ultimately, the foundation for this is anchored in choosing to let go of fear-based thinking.
It takes a certain leap of faith to trust the universe has your back in the business world. It’s been my experience that even in business, when I ask for what I need and want the perfect resources and teachers always appear to help me along to the next destination of my journey. I’m here to attest that all good things flood to you when you genuinely connect to this truth from a Course in Miracles, “If you knew who walks beside you on the path that you have chosen, you could never ever be afraid.” You’d be amazed at what the universe has in store for you.
The Mindset Secret: Put your positive attention and intention on the good outcomes you want for your business by focusing on abundance and fear-free thinking.
Want to get serious about shifting your mindset? I recommend surrounding yourself with people who share a strong mindset too. It also really helps to have a mentor who’s been through it and can provide the encouragement and accountability that will take your and your business to the next level. Check out my group and private coaching programs and see one feels like what you need in your life right now at www.pleaseaholics.com
When we set out to launch our first business over a decade ago, we almost crashed and burned before we even got started. We had reach a verbal agreement to buy an existing company, when at the last minute they agreed to sell their business to someone else. We were heart broken and angry. Nevertheless, we decided to put that in our rearview mirror and build our own company from the ground up. Now it’s easy to say we were “moving on” from a perceived offense or injury, but another to actually let go of resentment. Nevertheless its festering negativity that can be our undoing if we’re not careful.
Of course, our main competitor was the new owners of the company we’d wanted to buy. It would have been really easy to start off our company with a chip on our shoulder, a bitter attitude and an intention to destroy them. Fortunately (but not accidently, since there are no accidents) the start of our business coinsided with the beginning of my interest and learning about the law of attraction. I was new to the concept that “what you put your attention on grows, ” but I knew I didn’t want have the roots of our business planted in toxic soil. As a result, I choose to make a specific and deliberate choice to focus NOT on wanting negative things for our competitor, but on attracting magically positive outcomes for OUR business. I was discussing our business plans with a former colleague and he asked me, “Don’t you want to just take those other guys out at the knees?” I responded, “No. We’re not going to be successful if I’m distracted by trying to undermine them. We’ll put our focus on what we have the most direct influence on— growing OUR business. If in the process, we put them out of business, so be it.” And that’s what happened. By putting our positive attention on being of willing service to our clients our business grew by leaps and bounds in the first year. We multiplied our growth in the years to come, eventually becoming #1 in our industry for our area, while proudly maintaining our reputation for great service. In fact, we came to have a cooperative relationship with our competitors. This saved tons of time and energy that others may have chose to spend on mud slinging and unethical behavior.
Being deliberate about where we focused our attention was supported by a couple other key laws of attraction. By remaining mindful that there is a limitless supply of abundance in the universe, we didn’t even have a desire for the downfall of our competitors business. There’s plenty for everyone. This mindset saturates our work and sets the tone for cheerful, generous interactions, rather than bitter stinginess. Ultimately, the foundation for this is anchored in choosing to let go of fear-based thinking.
It takes a certain leap of faith to trust the universe has your back in the business world. It’s been my experience that even in business, when I ask for what I need and want the perfect resources and teachers always appear to help me along to the next destination of my journey. I’m here to attest that all good things flood to you when you genuinely connect to this truth from a Course in Miracles, “If you knew who walks beside you on the path that you have chosen, you could never ever be afraid.” You’d be amazed at what the universe has in store for you.
The Mindset Secret: Put your positive attention and intention on the good outcomes you want for your business by focusing on abundance and fear-free thinking.
Want to get serious about shifting your mindset? I recommend surrounding yourself with people who share a strong mindset too. It also really helps to have a mentor who’s been through it and can provide the encouragement and accountability that will take your and your business to the next level. Check out my group and private coaching programs and see one feels like what you need in your life right now at www.pleaseaholics.com
Stop Yelling at Your Kids Without Losing Your Mind
Sometimes a whisper is louder than a shout.
Here are two super easy alternatives to yelling at your kids.
SING!
As anger and frustration build, you can feel the yelling ready to fly out of your mouth. And let’s be honest...sometimes yelling just feels like such a satisfying way to let the cork off the pressure cooker. Afterward, however, you regret the things you said in anger. It’s very easy for yelling to get out of hand, even escalating to verbal or emotional abuse. No parent wants to be the reason their child feels hurt or unloveable.
A great way to open the release valve on your stress level without scarring your kids is to sing. SING LOUD! It doesn’t matter if you are tone deaf. The lyrics don’t need to rhyme, or even make sense. All you have to do is put your words to music, with a little spunk and drama added for good measure. (My favorite style is Opera. It sounds terrible, which makes kids laugh. This tends to make them more cooperative. Plus it’s hard to be too mean when acting so foolish.)
A bold, crescendoing “Let’s clean up the toys!”allows you to be as loud as you would be if your were yelling, but keep the anger and intimidation out of it so you’re not damaging your kids.
Playfulness illicits their cooperation. Ask them to sing with your or add lines to the song while they’re doing what you asked.
Whisper
When you find yourself on the verge of freaking out, you can get your point across just as, if not more, effectively by whispering versus shouting. Whispering has an intensity because the listener has to pay close attention in order to hear; however, much of the anger in your voice is masked by the low volume. If you don’t think you can control your facial expression or other non verbal language, take a deep breath and let it out. Then approach your child from behind. With your hands on their shoulders or by wrapping them up in a hug, close your eyes, then whisper your message in their ear. Make sure to close your eyes!!! It’ll help keep you calmer as you speak.
There’s also an intrigue in whispering. If you’re contained enough to keep your frustration out of your voice and gestures, approach them quietly. Beckon them to “come here” with arched eye brows and wide eyes, like you have an exciting secret . If you have more than one kid, have them huddle around like you’re going to share an interesting mystery. The curiousity built by your approach will assure you have their full attention. They’ll be engaged and ready to hear what you have to say. Then whisper your directives to them. (If they’re little make a game out of staying quiet while they complete the task.)
Even if your irritation pushes your voice to a loud, harsh whisper, the intensity will convey your seriousness about your message without going into a rage. It may be even more intense than shouting in some ways. Yet, it’s less traumatic that being shrieked at. Whispering can be a way to break up old habits. Yelling can become such a staple in many families that kids just learn to tune it out. Whispering demonstrates that you’re in control and deliberately managing your stress and anger which lends credibility rather than they just growing accustomed to riding out the storms. Shaking up your routine can help get your message across more effectively.
Assignment: Next time you have an occasion to loose your temper, and yell, choose to SING or WHISPER instead. Not how differently your family reacts. Notice what it was like for you not to yell. Did any reactions surprise you? Journal or track for a month and see what results your see over time.
Here are two super easy alternatives to yelling at your kids.
SING!
As anger and frustration build, you can feel the yelling ready to fly out of your mouth. And let’s be honest...sometimes yelling just feels like such a satisfying way to let the cork off the pressure cooker. Afterward, however, you regret the things you said in anger. It’s very easy for yelling to get out of hand, even escalating to verbal or emotional abuse. No parent wants to be the reason their child feels hurt or unloveable.
A great way to open the release valve on your stress level without scarring your kids is to sing. SING LOUD! It doesn’t matter if you are tone deaf. The lyrics don’t need to rhyme, or even make sense. All you have to do is put your words to music, with a little spunk and drama added for good measure. (My favorite style is Opera. It sounds terrible, which makes kids laugh. This tends to make them more cooperative. Plus it’s hard to be too mean when acting so foolish.)
A bold, crescendoing “Let’s clean up the toys!”allows you to be as loud as you would be if your were yelling, but keep the anger and intimidation out of it so you’re not damaging your kids.
Playfulness illicits their cooperation. Ask them to sing with your or add lines to the song while they’re doing what you asked.
Whisper
When you find yourself on the verge of freaking out, you can get your point across just as, if not more, effectively by whispering versus shouting. Whispering has an intensity because the listener has to pay close attention in order to hear; however, much of the anger in your voice is masked by the low volume. If you don’t think you can control your facial expression or other non verbal language, take a deep breath and let it out. Then approach your child from behind. With your hands on their shoulders or by wrapping them up in a hug, close your eyes, then whisper your message in their ear. Make sure to close your eyes!!! It’ll help keep you calmer as you speak.
There’s also an intrigue in whispering. If you’re contained enough to keep your frustration out of your voice and gestures, approach them quietly. Beckon them to “come here” with arched eye brows and wide eyes, like you have an exciting secret . If you have more than one kid, have them huddle around like you’re going to share an interesting mystery. The curiousity built by your approach will assure you have their full attention. They’ll be engaged and ready to hear what you have to say. Then whisper your directives to them. (If they’re little make a game out of staying quiet while they complete the task.)
Even if your irritation pushes your voice to a loud, harsh whisper, the intensity will convey your seriousness about your message without going into a rage. It may be even more intense than shouting in some ways. Yet, it’s less traumatic that being shrieked at. Whispering can be a way to break up old habits. Yelling can become such a staple in many families that kids just learn to tune it out. Whispering demonstrates that you’re in control and deliberately managing your stress and anger which lends credibility rather than they just growing accustomed to riding out the storms. Shaking up your routine can help get your message across more effectively.
Assignment: Next time you have an occasion to loose your temper, and yell, choose to SING or WHISPER instead. Not how differently your family reacts. Notice what it was like for you not to yell. Did any reactions surprise you? Journal or track for a month and see what results your see over time.
How To Say No To Your Kids & Stick With It
Three quick tips you can use TODAY to say no to your kids AND STICK TO IT!
Usually saying no and sticking to it is related to your belief in your own authority. But let’s not get bogged down in too much big picture stuff right off the bat. Building confidence and stepping into your power is a process, but here’s a secret...it’s actually easier to feel confident and comfortable with your authority if you just put a couple tips into practice. I’ll bet the feelings will follow. That way we’ll kill two birds with one stone—you’ll have some great techniques to implement right away AND you’ll be on your way to standing strong in your own skin.
Tip #1: Use the power of “No” sparingly
When kids hear “no” all the time, it begins to loose its effectiveness. They can become frustrated because they feel you’re not taking their requests and needs to heart. Therefore, the relationship takes on an adversarial versus cooperative tone. Also, frequent “no’s” make kids think it actually means “maybe” or see it as a signal to begin bargaining, rather than taking your no seriously. Kids can’t help but learn this when their barrage of negotiation tactics are met with repeated (and some times increasingly loud) no’s until ultimately you given in. “No” becomes diluted, as does their respect for you.
Instead of leaping to “No” then changing your mind, simply say “Maybe” or “I need a minute to think about that.” I know it sounds simple, but it can be easy to spit out “no” out of habit, frustration or distraction. Once you’ve said no, stick with it. But, you don’t need to repeat yourself over and over. Instead simply ask them, “What was my answer?” and let them fill in their own no.
Tip #2: Say “No” Without Saying “No”
OK—so I know you’re thinking, “If I can’t say no, how can I set limits?” There are many good ways to say no without using the work no. When your child asks permission to go play video games, for example, you could answer “No, you need to do your chores first.” Instead reply, “Yes, as soon as you get your chores done.” Starting your answer with a “yes” given the illusion of permission whil still setting standards, limits and expectataions. Kids are less likely to contest an answer that starts with yes. (But they still will—we’ll take a look at that in a second.)
Again the tone and quality of the relationship and conversation improves when yes, vs. no, is the foundation of your dialogue. When kids have the feeling your looking to say yes, not no, they’ll instinctively want to work with you vs. against you.
Special Circumstances—Toddlers
Saying no to toddler without saying no can be phrased in exactly the same way with equally good results. However, an added secret is a little trick I used to set boundaries for toddlers, especially concerning a safely hazard. I learned this from a dog obedience book (don’t judge me until you’ve heard how good this idea is.) :) Anyway, here’s the secret: Don’t discipline the child. Discipline the object you want them to stay away from. For example, our son used to love touching the fireplace when he was little. Of course we didn’t want him touching it even if it wasn’t lit. Telling him “no” and moving him away repeatedly didn’t work. We didn’t want to resorting to yelling, smacking his hand or spanking, so we yelled at the fireplace. (I know it sounds crazy, but it does really work!)
When your child goes near the thing you don’t want him to have access to without your permission, you must completely ignore them. (But make sure they see you yell at the object.) Do not even make eye contact as you walk to the forbidden object. Then, putting your full attention on the object, smack it with your hand repeatedly and shout, “Bad Fireplace! (or whatever the object is) Bad, Bad, Bad Fireplace! No, no, no, no, no!” Then walk away. Your child will not want to go near the thing that receives so much of your negativity and disapproval. AND how great that those tender, innocent little ones won’t come to think that THEY are the object you’re your anger and disapproval.
Tip #3: Broken Record
Even with your best “yes–based” answers, kids will still test your boundaries. Once you’ve given your “Yes, you can ...as soon as you…”all you have to do is play it back like a broken record in response to their attempts at negotiation. Keep a firm matter of fact tone and replay over and over until they relent.“But Kate doesn’t have to”“Yes, You can ...as soon as you…”“That’s not fair!”“Yes, You can...as soon as you…”
Usually kids will tire of negotiation when they find it’s no longer effective in manipulating the situation and only postpones the inevitable—them following directions so they can get whatever privlidge they’re after. However, it’s my personal policy to NEVER repeat myself more than three times. If I have to repeat my answer more than that, my next response is to firmly state, “You have my answer. If you ask me again the answer will be NO.” ONLY do this if you KNOW you’re going to follow through! Consistency is the name of the game here.
Here’s your assignment: Use the “Yes, You can...as soon as you…” format rather than “No” to answer at least two questions today. Follow it with Broken Record if necessary.
Usually saying no and sticking to it is related to your belief in your own authority. But let’s not get bogged down in too much big picture stuff right off the bat. Building confidence and stepping into your power is a process, but here’s a secret...it’s actually easier to feel confident and comfortable with your authority if you just put a couple tips into practice. I’ll bet the feelings will follow. That way we’ll kill two birds with one stone—you’ll have some great techniques to implement right away AND you’ll be on your way to standing strong in your own skin.
Tip #1: Use the power of “No” sparingly
When kids hear “no” all the time, it begins to loose its effectiveness. They can become frustrated because they feel you’re not taking their requests and needs to heart. Therefore, the relationship takes on an adversarial versus cooperative tone. Also, frequent “no’s” make kids think it actually means “maybe” or see it as a signal to begin bargaining, rather than taking your no seriously. Kids can’t help but learn this when their barrage of negotiation tactics are met with repeated (and some times increasingly loud) no’s until ultimately you given in. “No” becomes diluted, as does their respect for you.
Instead of leaping to “No” then changing your mind, simply say “Maybe” or “I need a minute to think about that.” I know it sounds simple, but it can be easy to spit out “no” out of habit, frustration or distraction. Once you’ve said no, stick with it. But, you don’t need to repeat yourself over and over. Instead simply ask them, “What was my answer?” and let them fill in their own no.
Tip #2: Say “No” Without Saying “No”
OK—so I know you’re thinking, “If I can’t say no, how can I set limits?” There are many good ways to say no without using the work no. When your child asks permission to go play video games, for example, you could answer “No, you need to do your chores first.” Instead reply, “Yes, as soon as you get your chores done.” Starting your answer with a “yes” given the illusion of permission whil still setting standards, limits and expectataions. Kids are less likely to contest an answer that starts with yes. (But they still will—we’ll take a look at that in a second.)
Again the tone and quality of the relationship and conversation improves when yes, vs. no, is the foundation of your dialogue. When kids have the feeling your looking to say yes, not no, they’ll instinctively want to work with you vs. against you.
Special Circumstances—Toddlers
Saying no to toddler without saying no can be phrased in exactly the same way with equally good results. However, an added secret is a little trick I used to set boundaries for toddlers, especially concerning a safely hazard. I learned this from a dog obedience book (don’t judge me until you’ve heard how good this idea is.) :) Anyway, here’s the secret: Don’t discipline the child. Discipline the object you want them to stay away from. For example, our son used to love touching the fireplace when he was little. Of course we didn’t want him touching it even if it wasn’t lit. Telling him “no” and moving him away repeatedly didn’t work. We didn’t want to resorting to yelling, smacking his hand or spanking, so we yelled at the fireplace. (I know it sounds crazy, but it does really work!)
When your child goes near the thing you don’t want him to have access to without your permission, you must completely ignore them. (But make sure they see you yell at the object.) Do not even make eye contact as you walk to the forbidden object. Then, putting your full attention on the object, smack it with your hand repeatedly and shout, “Bad Fireplace! (or whatever the object is) Bad, Bad, Bad Fireplace! No, no, no, no, no!” Then walk away. Your child will not want to go near the thing that receives so much of your negativity and disapproval. AND how great that those tender, innocent little ones won’t come to think that THEY are the object you’re your anger and disapproval.
Tip #3: Broken Record
Even with your best “yes–based” answers, kids will still test your boundaries. Once you’ve given your “Yes, you can ...as soon as you…”all you have to do is play it back like a broken record in response to their attempts at negotiation. Keep a firm matter of fact tone and replay over and over until they relent.“But Kate doesn’t have to”“Yes, You can ...as soon as you…”“That’s not fair!”“Yes, You can...as soon as you…”
Usually kids will tire of negotiation when they find it’s no longer effective in manipulating the situation and only postpones the inevitable—them following directions so they can get whatever privlidge they’re after. However, it’s my personal policy to NEVER repeat myself more than three times. If I have to repeat my answer more than that, my next response is to firmly state, “You have my answer. If you ask me again the answer will be NO.” ONLY do this if you KNOW you’re going to follow through! Consistency is the name of the game here.
Here’s your assignment: Use the “Yes, You can...as soon as you…” format rather than “No” to answer at least two questions today. Follow it with Broken Record if necessary.
Seat Belt Law of Life
One of my most valuable teachers has been my seat belt.
Like most of life’s powerful lessons, this one came at a moment when I was feeling emotionally spent and teetering on burnout. (The universe has a sick sense of humor!) I remember feeling more stressed than usual, ready to explode with the slightest provocation, but trying to keep it together. (Mothers of small children I think you may have an idea what I’m talking about.) We were running late, so I was impatiently herding the children into the car, yelling at them to hurry, hurry, hurry. I jump into the drivers seat and use my left hand to grab the seat belt from above my left shoulder, only to find it won’t move more than 2 inches. It’s stuck…frozen…unwilling to budge.
Given my already frazzled mental state, I’m in no mood for the seat belt to toy with my emotions. So of course I do what any sane, balanced, adult would do…I fight with the seat belt. I yank and tug and pull harder and harder, committed to not being outsmarted by a strap of canvas. (Too late!) Not surprisingly, the action of repeatedly jerking in this way looks a lot like the “Psycho” stabbing thing people to indicate some one has lost it. That probably wasn’t far from the truth in my case. I’m pretty sure that way my kids were thinking: “Mom’s lost it!”
Somehow, I suddenly became aware of how I must look embroiled in a death match with a seat belt! I took a deep breath, and let go of the seat belt. I let go of the struggle. Guess what the seat belt did? It didn’t yell at me or call me names. It didn’t attack me or flip me off. It just gently retracted back into the mechanism as if nothing had happened.
I tried the seat belt again, and wouldn’t you know it, this time it glided smoothly across my waist and clicked into place.
I had to smile at the simple genius of the lesson the seat belt taught me that day. The metaphor of this experience mirrors all the ways we can find ourselves in power struggles that complicate our lives and make us feel and act a little “psycho.” The truly amazing thing is that often the thing we’re struggling against doesn’t even care that much. You may be in a one-way tug of war, battling yourself into exhaustion. The universe will let you battle away against your own metaphorical seat belt, patiently waiting for you to let go.
The seat belt is a metaphor for all the things we choose to battle against. The battles can be virtuous – Poverty. Injustice. Cancer. Grief. Pain. Addiction. Loss. The battles can be trivial – Getting “your way.” Convincing others you’re “right.” Being “in control.” Who did or didn’t bring the right thing to the pot luck. Does your kid’s outfit match. Whether or not the house is spotless. All things related to coddling the ego. They can be important and/or necessary – Husband. Wife. Partner. Ex-spouse. Kids. Mom. Dad. Sister. Brother. Even something intangible like some underlying feeling that life is working against you. Friends. The grumpy cashier at the grocery store. Rude drivers. Co-workers. Your Boss. Money. Career. That voice inside your head that says you’re not quite good enough.
No matter what it is you’re choosing to wage war with, the lesson remains the same. The key to finding peace with the moment is to take a deep breath…and LET GO!!! Surrender to the moment. Stop trying to control it all. Detach from the outcome. Don’t be a martyr. Choose to approach the situation with love rather than fear. Connect to your Source. Trust that you’re not alone to handle the struggle. There is limitless love, abundance, peace and wellness in the universe…we just have to tap into it.
Just like the seat belt story, when you finally, FINALLY choose to take a deep breath and let go, do you know what happens? CLICK! Things start to click into place. Make the choice to let go of your battles and make room for the abundance and peace the universe has waiting for you.
Like most of life’s powerful lessons, this one came at a moment when I was feeling emotionally spent and teetering on burnout. (The universe has a sick sense of humor!) I remember feeling more stressed than usual, ready to explode with the slightest provocation, but trying to keep it together. (Mothers of small children I think you may have an idea what I’m talking about.) We were running late, so I was impatiently herding the children into the car, yelling at them to hurry, hurry, hurry. I jump into the drivers seat and use my left hand to grab the seat belt from above my left shoulder, only to find it won’t move more than 2 inches. It’s stuck…frozen…unwilling to budge.
Given my already frazzled mental state, I’m in no mood for the seat belt to toy with my emotions. So of course I do what any sane, balanced, adult would do…I fight with the seat belt. I yank and tug and pull harder and harder, committed to not being outsmarted by a strap of canvas. (Too late!) Not surprisingly, the action of repeatedly jerking in this way looks a lot like the “Psycho” stabbing thing people to indicate some one has lost it. That probably wasn’t far from the truth in my case. I’m pretty sure that way my kids were thinking: “Mom’s lost it!”
Somehow, I suddenly became aware of how I must look embroiled in a death match with a seat belt! I took a deep breath, and let go of the seat belt. I let go of the struggle. Guess what the seat belt did? It didn’t yell at me or call me names. It didn’t attack me or flip me off. It just gently retracted back into the mechanism as if nothing had happened.
I tried the seat belt again, and wouldn’t you know it, this time it glided smoothly across my waist and clicked into place.
I had to smile at the simple genius of the lesson the seat belt taught me that day. The metaphor of this experience mirrors all the ways we can find ourselves in power struggles that complicate our lives and make us feel and act a little “psycho.” The truly amazing thing is that often the thing we’re struggling against doesn’t even care that much. You may be in a one-way tug of war, battling yourself into exhaustion. The universe will let you battle away against your own metaphorical seat belt, patiently waiting for you to let go.
The seat belt is a metaphor for all the things we choose to battle against. The battles can be virtuous – Poverty. Injustice. Cancer. Grief. Pain. Addiction. Loss. The battles can be trivial – Getting “your way.” Convincing others you’re “right.” Being “in control.” Who did or didn’t bring the right thing to the pot luck. Does your kid’s outfit match. Whether or not the house is spotless. All things related to coddling the ego. They can be important and/or necessary – Husband. Wife. Partner. Ex-spouse. Kids. Mom. Dad. Sister. Brother. Even something intangible like some underlying feeling that life is working against you. Friends. The grumpy cashier at the grocery store. Rude drivers. Co-workers. Your Boss. Money. Career. That voice inside your head that says you’re not quite good enough.
No matter what it is you’re choosing to wage war with, the lesson remains the same. The key to finding peace with the moment is to take a deep breath…and LET GO!!! Surrender to the moment. Stop trying to control it all. Detach from the outcome. Don’t be a martyr. Choose to approach the situation with love rather than fear. Connect to your Source. Trust that you’re not alone to handle the struggle. There is limitless love, abundance, peace and wellness in the universe…we just have to tap into it.
Just like the seat belt story, when you finally, FINALLY choose to take a deep breath and let go, do you know what happens? CLICK! Things start to click into place. Make the choice to let go of your battles and make room for the abundance and peace the universe has waiting for you.
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