I vs. You
This month we’ve been breaking down the Pleaseaholic Formula. We’ve discussed how your Good Heart, Kid Logic and Mob Boss conspire to please others rather than be true to who you really are. To wrap up this topic I want to share a great tip to help you declutter your thoughts so you can hear your true voice.
This is the ONE thing you need to know in order to tell whether the voice that plays in your head is your true voice or not. This unbelievably simple tool is all you need to once and for all separate what you really think from the habits, beliefs and thoughts you’ve been programmed to have. I want you to have the secret to deciphering the endless stream of jabber that runs through your head all day. Often we become so accustomed to a certain way of thinking, it becomes difficult to wade through the junk to figure out what is you TRULY vs. what is your programming or inner critic.
Here’s the decoder ring… it’s super simple!! LISTEN FOR THE PRONOUNS! When you hear your inner voice use “You” that’s your inner critic, old beliefs or garbage that was programmed into your head in the past. When you hear “I” that is your true voice.
As you pay attention you’ll notice that limiting beliefs and inner criticisms almost always come attached with “YOU” On the other hand your true voice uses “I” to communicate with you.
Compare: “You can’t do that – You’re not smart enough” Vs. “I would love to go back to school” “You’ll never be able to make it on your own.” Vs. “I really need to do something about my marriage.”“You’re such a bad mother.” Vs. “I wish I wasn’t so hard on my kids.”
A statement on your inner taps that contains “You” or is negative is a con. It keeps you stuck on old patterns. “I” based thoughts may still reveal a change you need to make but are more constructive and forward focused.
A con only works if the mark doesn’t know what’s coming. Don’t fall for the con any more. I notice with my clients that often just noticing the pronouns starts to silence that inner critic. It’s like once the critic knows you’re aware of the con it stops trying to trip you up with it.
Start today! Use this tool to notice which pronouns you hear in your inner tape. I bet at least once today you’ll foil the con man and take back a sliver of your life. Now you know how to peel away the garbage and find your true voice! Pretty simple huh?
Friday, May 27, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Your inner tape - Bodyguard or Mob Boss?
The Third Element: Mob Boss
This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PHGood Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
So far we’ve talked about the first two pieces - Good Heart and Kid Logic. This week we’ll dig into the role of the MOB BOSS. Did you know you have an inner mafia? Well it’s true! Here’s why.We are all born with an ego that’s programmed to look out for our survival. Your ego’s main function is to manage automatic responses meant to keep you safe. It assesses threats to your physical and emotional health. To make your environment safe and predictable, your ego automatically sends up flares to help you avoid things that could bring you pain. It’s there to protect you, kind of like a bodyguard.
When your Bodyguard senses something or someone similar to a threat that caused you pain in the past, it zaps you to preserve your well being. These signals come in the form of fear, anxiety, guilt and vigilance. This triggers Kid Logic (Pleaseaholic Formula element #2) to start searching for solutions. Kid Logic connects approval with survival. If your past experiences with authority figures left you feeling the best way to earn their love, acceptance or approval is to comply, you can easily slip into people pleasing.
Ironically even though the Bodyguard is supposed to prevent pain, it only speaks the language of fear; a kind of pain in and of itself. When the Bodyguard is trying to get your attention it’ll send fear to prevent you from approaching touchy or dangerous situations. Your bodyguard advises you to adopt cooperation on steroids to avoid pain. While effective at first, these strategies end up being super dysfunctional over time. Imagine the ping pong ball effect this has. You experience something unpleasant so your Bodyguard adds that to the list of things to fear. This leaves you bouncing between things that are actually unpleasant and on alert fearing things that MIGHT be unpleasant. It’s a pretty lose-lose situation. No wonder you’re so exhausted!
The ego’s other job it to keep itself alive. Even as you begin to consider changes in your life that make the Bodyguard less necessary (for example, saying no and setting better boundaries), it will fight you. The ego wants to preserve itself so it can continue to serve as your bodyguard, protecting you from things that might make you uncomfortable, scared or vulnerable. The problem is it doesn’t realize you’re no longer a kid. You don’t need a Bodyguard to be safe any more.
BODY GUARD TURNED MOB BOSS
Over time this bodyguard morphs into a mob boss. Just as the Godfather offers unsolicited favors, then comes calling for “pay back” from unsuspecting victims, your ego starts out as a benevolent bodyguard, working to keep you safe. Then it unsuspectingly places you in a trap of fears, doubts, sadness, anxiety or guilt. Your Mob Boss makes it feel difficult, or even life threatening, to consider change or stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s the emotional equivalent of a horse head in your bed. The bodyguard convinces you that you “owe it” for providing protection in the past. You feel captive and beholden to it. Without knowing why, a voice in your head tells you to fear change. The Mob Boss is the source of guilt, fear, unworthiness, depression, anxiety or doubt you encounter that keep you stuck.
It can feel literally life threatening to step out of old roles and patterns connected to People Pleasing. Your Bodyguard has convinced you that to be safe, worthy and valuable you must make those around you happy, even at your own expense. You “pay” the mob boss in the form of staying stuck, struggling to say no, questioning your own thoughts, wishes and worthiness, tolerating dysfunctional relationships and battling a relentless inner critic. What was originally set up to help you safely navigate your world has turned into a prison. The mob boss will tend to show up in consistent ways over your life. As you make strides to separate from old patterns, you’ll feel a renewed sense of freedom and satisfaction. Then a challenging situation will erupt, and your Mob Boss will tempt you to return to the comforts of old coping strategies.
Just like the mob, just when you think you’re out, your ego pulls you back in. However, like most bullies, when the Mob Boss is confronted it backs down. Gladly the Mob Boss doesn’t require you to forcefully confront it in order to break free. Rather, I’ve seen time and time again that just acknowledging that the critical, fearful voice in your head is the Mob Boss is enough to get you into witness protection. Now that you know it’s just a con, you can choose not to participate.
Act First: When you experience fear, anxiety, doubt or other limiting feelings, remember it’s just the Mob Boss trying to pull a con. Say to yourself: “This isn’t the real me. Go away Mob Boss. I’m safe without a bodyguard.” You might be surprised by what happens!
This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PHGood Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
So far we’ve talked about the first two pieces - Good Heart and Kid Logic. This week we’ll dig into the role of the MOB BOSS. Did you know you have an inner mafia? Well it’s true! Here’s why.We are all born with an ego that’s programmed to look out for our survival. Your ego’s main function is to manage automatic responses meant to keep you safe. It assesses threats to your physical and emotional health. To make your environment safe and predictable, your ego automatically sends up flares to help you avoid things that could bring you pain. It’s there to protect you, kind of like a bodyguard.
When your Bodyguard senses something or someone similar to a threat that caused you pain in the past, it zaps you to preserve your well being. These signals come in the form of fear, anxiety, guilt and vigilance. This triggers Kid Logic (Pleaseaholic Formula element #2) to start searching for solutions. Kid Logic connects approval with survival. If your past experiences with authority figures left you feeling the best way to earn their love, acceptance or approval is to comply, you can easily slip into people pleasing.
Ironically even though the Bodyguard is supposed to prevent pain, it only speaks the language of fear; a kind of pain in and of itself. When the Bodyguard is trying to get your attention it’ll send fear to prevent you from approaching touchy or dangerous situations. Your bodyguard advises you to adopt cooperation on steroids to avoid pain. While effective at first, these strategies end up being super dysfunctional over time. Imagine the ping pong ball effect this has. You experience something unpleasant so your Bodyguard adds that to the list of things to fear. This leaves you bouncing between things that are actually unpleasant and on alert fearing things that MIGHT be unpleasant. It’s a pretty lose-lose situation. No wonder you’re so exhausted!
The ego’s other job it to keep itself alive. Even as you begin to consider changes in your life that make the Bodyguard less necessary (for example, saying no and setting better boundaries), it will fight you. The ego wants to preserve itself so it can continue to serve as your bodyguard, protecting you from things that might make you uncomfortable, scared or vulnerable. The problem is it doesn’t realize you’re no longer a kid. You don’t need a Bodyguard to be safe any more.
BODY GUARD TURNED MOB BOSS
Over time this bodyguard morphs into a mob boss. Just as the Godfather offers unsolicited favors, then comes calling for “pay back” from unsuspecting victims, your ego starts out as a benevolent bodyguard, working to keep you safe. Then it unsuspectingly places you in a trap of fears, doubts, sadness, anxiety or guilt. Your Mob Boss makes it feel difficult, or even life threatening, to consider change or stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s the emotional equivalent of a horse head in your bed. The bodyguard convinces you that you “owe it” for providing protection in the past. You feel captive and beholden to it. Without knowing why, a voice in your head tells you to fear change. The Mob Boss is the source of guilt, fear, unworthiness, depression, anxiety or doubt you encounter that keep you stuck.
It can feel literally life threatening to step out of old roles and patterns connected to People Pleasing. Your Bodyguard has convinced you that to be safe, worthy and valuable you must make those around you happy, even at your own expense. You “pay” the mob boss in the form of staying stuck, struggling to say no, questioning your own thoughts, wishes and worthiness, tolerating dysfunctional relationships and battling a relentless inner critic. What was originally set up to help you safely navigate your world has turned into a prison. The mob boss will tend to show up in consistent ways over your life. As you make strides to separate from old patterns, you’ll feel a renewed sense of freedom and satisfaction. Then a challenging situation will erupt, and your Mob Boss will tempt you to return to the comforts of old coping strategies.
Just like the mob, just when you think you’re out, your ego pulls you back in. However, like most bullies, when the Mob Boss is confronted it backs down. Gladly the Mob Boss doesn’t require you to forcefully confront it in order to break free. Rather, I’ve seen time and time again that just acknowledging that the critical, fearful voice in your head is the Mob Boss is enough to get you into witness protection. Now that you know it’s just a con, you can choose not to participate.
Act First: When you experience fear, anxiety, doubt or other limiting feelings, remember it’s just the Mob Boss trying to pull a con. Say to yourself: “This isn’t the real me. Go away Mob Boss. I’m safe without a bodyguard.” You might be surprised by what happens!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Has Kid Logic Hijacked Your Journey?
This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
Previously we drove into the first piece: Your Good Heart. This week we’ll look at the second one – KID LOGIC. Most patterns we repeat began long ago in childhood. Therefore, these behaviors have their origins in a naive, less mature perspective. This vantage point is called “kid logic.” You chose a solution based on what worked and made sense as a kid.
It’s not surprising then, if sometimes you question why you respond the ways you do or wonder why your reaction feels incongruent with who you really are. Your reaction is couched in the coping skills of a child, not as the capable adult and divine being you really are. So if you find yourself shutting down or using a small, high voice when things aren’t going the way you’d like, you probably found that to be an effective strategy as a toddler or unrestrained child. If you respond to disapproval, disappointment or anger by walking on eggs shells, you probably experienced fear or rejection as a child.
People Pleasing is connected to all or nothing thinking. Again this is a hallmark of kid logic. It makes perfect sense that a child would fear being abandoned if they fall out of favor with important, powerful adults. Children believe if they displease people, rejection will be permanent. Kids conclude they are at risk to be lost, alone and unloved forever. Kid Logic connects approval to survival. As a result, kids will do anything to please their parents if they feel the threat of rejection looming.
Left unchecked, People Pleasers brings Kid Logic forward into adulthood. Do you find yourself jumping to defend one or both of your parents? Do you feel an inner pull to protect or save your children, spouse or partner? Do you go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disappointing others?
This is a sure sign that you scrambled to keep your parents happy, learned to take the blame when they became upset or carried the responsibility of caretaking the emotional needs of others as a child. Kid logic has hitched a ride along the way to show up in your adult dealing too, even though you’re so much more capable now then you were as a kid. A child needs to know they are loved unconditionally to avoid the snares of people pleasing and other dysfunctional traps. Most parents, teachers and other adults aren’t equipped to help kids comply with household or classroom rules or religious standards without placing conditions upon the child’s innate goodness. Even if the parent only means to modify behavior, they leave children with the message that they are acceptable only if they obey. This is to say nothering of the scars left by adults who intentionally abuse their power over children.
The buttons parents press to motivate their children to comply are the same soft spots that leave People Pleasers open to peer pressure in the future. The seeds of People Pleasing are planted early and continue to sprout.
Because children are designed to blame themselves, you may have learned to question if you are lovable and worthy. Kids are preprogrammed to conclude:
•“I’m a bad, stupid kid. I deserved to get hit (yelled at, rejected, ignored, put down, etc.). If I was good they wouldn’t have to punish me.”
•“I’m mad at my parents (or feel unprotected) but I can’t show it, so I have to shove my anger and sadness inside.”
•“My parents don’t seem to be able to take care of things around here very well. I better step up and be strong or we’re all in serious trouble.”
Kid Logic lures you to become hypercritical of yourself. When you encounter a difficult situation you may automatically revert to how you’ve handled a situation that made you feel uncomfortable in the past. Remember you have SO many more tools and emotional resources available to you now than you did when you were a kid.
How to Disconnect Kid Logic: Rather than use old habits that kid logic tries to entice you to employ, imagine how you would have handled a tough situation from childhood knowing all you know now. Replay that scenario in your mind using the coping skills you have now that you’ve grown up. This process cuts the ties to these old habits.
When Kid Logic tempts you to use old patterns to solve your current challenges, remember you don’t have to revert of the knee jerk solutions you picked up as a kid. You can move forward with your best foot forward and most mature approach.
When you check Kid Logic at the door you’ll stop stumbling over old ways of being and open the door to your best life!
GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
Previously we drove into the first piece: Your Good Heart. This week we’ll look at the second one – KID LOGIC. Most patterns we repeat began long ago in childhood. Therefore, these behaviors have their origins in a naive, less mature perspective. This vantage point is called “kid logic.” You chose a solution based on what worked and made sense as a kid.
It’s not surprising then, if sometimes you question why you respond the ways you do or wonder why your reaction feels incongruent with who you really are. Your reaction is couched in the coping skills of a child, not as the capable adult and divine being you really are. So if you find yourself shutting down or using a small, high voice when things aren’t going the way you’d like, you probably found that to be an effective strategy as a toddler or unrestrained child. If you respond to disapproval, disappointment or anger by walking on eggs shells, you probably experienced fear or rejection as a child.
People Pleasing is connected to all or nothing thinking. Again this is a hallmark of kid logic. It makes perfect sense that a child would fear being abandoned if they fall out of favor with important, powerful adults. Children believe if they displease people, rejection will be permanent. Kids conclude they are at risk to be lost, alone and unloved forever. Kid Logic connects approval to survival. As a result, kids will do anything to please their parents if they feel the threat of rejection looming.
Left unchecked, People Pleasers brings Kid Logic forward into adulthood. Do you find yourself jumping to defend one or both of your parents? Do you feel an inner pull to protect or save your children, spouse or partner? Do you go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disappointing others?
This is a sure sign that you scrambled to keep your parents happy, learned to take the blame when they became upset or carried the responsibility of caretaking the emotional needs of others as a child. Kid logic has hitched a ride along the way to show up in your adult dealing too, even though you’re so much more capable now then you were as a kid. A child needs to know they are loved unconditionally to avoid the snares of people pleasing and other dysfunctional traps. Most parents, teachers and other adults aren’t equipped to help kids comply with household or classroom rules or religious standards without placing conditions upon the child’s innate goodness. Even if the parent only means to modify behavior, they leave children with the message that they are acceptable only if they obey. This is to say nothering of the scars left by adults who intentionally abuse their power over children.
The buttons parents press to motivate their children to comply are the same soft spots that leave People Pleasers open to peer pressure in the future. The seeds of People Pleasing are planted early and continue to sprout.
Because children are designed to blame themselves, you may have learned to question if you are lovable and worthy. Kids are preprogrammed to conclude:
•“I’m a bad, stupid kid. I deserved to get hit (yelled at, rejected, ignored, put down, etc.). If I was good they wouldn’t have to punish me.”
•“I’m mad at my parents (or feel unprotected) but I can’t show it, so I have to shove my anger and sadness inside.”
•“My parents don’t seem to be able to take care of things around here very well. I better step up and be strong or we’re all in serious trouble.”
Kid Logic lures you to become hypercritical of yourself. When you encounter a difficult situation you may automatically revert to how you’ve handled a situation that made you feel uncomfortable in the past. Remember you have SO many more tools and emotional resources available to you now than you did when you were a kid.
How to Disconnect Kid Logic: Rather than use old habits that kid logic tries to entice you to employ, imagine how you would have handled a tough situation from childhood knowing all you know now. Replay that scenario in your mind using the coping skills you have now that you’ve grown up. This process cuts the ties to these old habits.
When Kid Logic tempts you to use old patterns to solve your current challenges, remember you don’t have to revert of the knee jerk solutions you picked up as a kid. You can move forward with your best foot forward and most mature approach.
When you check Kid Logic at the door you’ll stop stumbling over old ways of being and open the door to your best life!
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