Stress Free Holidays..It's IS possible!

I've written before about the importance of having a Big 3 & Top 10 for every day living to keep your life balanced and make guilt-free choices. The same is true for the holidays!

To refresh your memory, The Big 3 are your top 3 priorities. In this case it means the top 3 elements crucial to creating a joyous, meaningful holiday season. Your Top 10 are the 10 people in your life whose opinions and well being matter to you most. These are the people you want to make sure to acknowledge as special in your life this holiday season.
The holiday season is ripe with opportunity to stress, run yourself ragged or feel you're not keeping up with what the inner critic in your head tells you "should" make a perfect holiday.

Often when you run yourself (and your wallet) thin scrambling to give gifts to every co-worker, neighbor and acquaintance, you're driven by other people's rules and expectations rather than the pure spirit of giving. Simplify your shopping list by focusing on your Top 10. It may actually be a relief to other to not feel obligated to exchange gifts. Instead, acknowledge those special people who don't quite make your Top 10 with a card, something homemade or a hug.

Do you pressure yourself to host a big holiday party? Do you eel bad if you don't make homemade goodies for everyone on the block? Do you judge yourself if your tree isn't Martha Stewart worthy? Stop being so hard on yourself! What's the true meaning of this season? How can you bring more of whatever that means to you to your traditions and festivities this year?

Instead of stressing out, spending too much money and taking all the joy out of this beautiful season, crate your holiday edition of the Big 3 & Top 10. Once you're crafted them, look them over. What do you feel? If you feel peace and excitement, you've hit the mark. If you feel anxiety or pressure, you've listed what you're come to believe "should" make a great holiday. Whose rule is that?

Rather than create a holiday that doesn't resonate with your heart, rewrite a Big 3 & Top 10 that make you feel at ease. When you feel stressed out over the next month or so, reflect back and honor your authentic holiday Big 3 & Top 10. You'll focus on what TRULY matters to you most and reflects the spirit of the season.

Happy Holiday!



The

What Will Your Eulogy Say?

This past week we attended my husband’s grandmother’s funeral. She lived to be nearly 91 years old. As we listened to people recount the impact she had on their lives, I couldn’t help but wonder if she knew all the good she’d done with her time on the Earth. I wondered if she’d be surprised by the seemingly minor exchanges she shared with people, that over the years made a difference in shaping the trajectory of their journey.

The day was bittersweet, yet served as a great reminder of some important lessons. 1. Live without regret. 2. You never know the impact you’re having on someone’s day, week or lifetime, so when in doubt choose to be kind rather than right. 3. Shower the people you love with love so in the end nothing is left unsaid or undone.

Stephen Covey advises: Begin with the end in mind. There’s no greater end that death itself, so begin now to craft a life of actions and experiences that will illicit the eulogy you’d be proud of.

To begin, answer these questions:
· How do you want to be remembered?
· What’s on your bucket list?
· What will people say at your funeral?
· What traits and funny quirks will people recall with a smile?
· What’s your eulogy going to sound like?

It’s time to find out! Take your answers to these questions and write your eulogy. Make it reflect the best of you and all your potential. (If you care to share, I’d love to read it! Just email it to me at Stephanie@pleaseaholics.com) Once you have it, use your eulogy as a guide to make decisions as you go, so deliberately determine the direction and altitude of your life so at the end of your days, you’ll have produced a body of work you’re proud of. Live well!

Change How You Think About Change!

Change how you Think about Change

We’ve been conditioned to think that change is painful, difficult or takes a long time. On the contrary - it’s just matter of changing how you think and the changes will fall right into place quickly, smoothly and peacefully. I see this all the time with my clients. They're convinced it's going to be painful or difficult to create change. Once they see the small, simple yet powerful steps that free them of their old ways of being stuck, they see results VERY quickly! Knowing the specific ways to change your actions empowers you because you now have options. Rather than being a victim to way the wind blows, you can take charge of your life without working so hard. Imagine how you'd feel to be free of the guilt and pressure you're under now!
When you change your actions, feelings will follow. Little step by little step you’ll be able to let go of the disease to please, stop being so hard on yourself and find better relationships, more joy and greater abundance.

Change isn’t always comfortable. Often to experience change you have to push through the discomfort that’s kept you stuck up to this point. I know the good stuff that’s waiting for you on the other side of that resistance, so I’m excited to see you break through!

Results can come from very small changes. The first steps of change come with small steps so it’s not too much too soon. Do you push yourself to be perfect? Do you expect yourself to have life all figured out? Are so hard on yourself when things don't go just right? Do you fall into the trap that if you're not perfect, you're all wrong? Take a new approach to change. Look for successes, not failures. Focus on what went right, not wrong. Talk to yourself with kindness, patience and humor. Let change come in small steps that will ripple into the big remodel you have in mind for your life. We want real results that last, not sudden leaps that are merely a flash in the pan.

You may find, however, it’s not as difficult as you think. I learned many things from my experiences as a therapist with at risk youth and struggling families. The biggest lesson I walked away with is this: There is virtually no limit to the boundless strength and resilience of the human spirit. You’ve already survived pain and struggle to get to today. If you can handle that, there’s nothing you can't handle. Results are not only possible, but likely. (And until you believe it, I’ve got your back.)

I can show you the way out because I've been there myself. Many times it literally felt life threatening to do something as simple as set a boundary, deal with conflict, say no or put less emphasis on making other people happy. I learned the connection between my fear of rejection, fear of failure and success, fear of disapproval, fear of conflict, fear of not being liked and so many others to the fact that I'd held on to old ideas and rules that no longer fit. Confronting these fears often made my heart pound, blood pressure soar, knees shaky and hands ice cold. But each time I summoned the courage to take on what felt like King Kong, it got easier.

Here’s the first secret…

Fears look like a brick wall. As you charge (or tip toe) up to it, you brace for the impact of the worst case scenario. However, if you have the courage to break through it, you’ll find the brick wall was an illusion of your own making. It’s actually tissue paper thin. The anticipation of change is much worse than actually doing it. Plus, the freedom and peace you’ll find on the other side of that wall of fear is SO sweet.

Recall the wise words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.: "Take the first step in faith...you don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step."

Action Step: Decide today one small thing you can change to point your life in the direction of your dreams. If you need some help or inspiration, all the tools you need can be found at www.learnhowtosayno.com.

What Would You Do?

Since hearing of my dear friend’s sudden passing a couple weeks ago, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to what he might have done differently in the last weeks, months and years if he knew how little time he had left. It’s such a reminder to live each moment to its fullest, choose to let go of regret and with and shower the people you love with love while you still have the time.

If you knew you only had 1 year to live what would you be doing differently?

Are there changes you want to make but keep putting off? You’re not alone! Most people flirt with the idea of doing things differently but fears and doubts hold them back. Are you ever plagued with thoughts about “what people would think” or “it probably won’t work out” or “it’ll cause too much drama.”

Life may have given you plenty of good reasons for holding these beliefs and fears. Yet, if you don’t do anything differently, you’ll be in the same place tomorrow, next week and next year.

Often if people wait for a frightening accident or life-threatening diagnosis to give themselves permission to live more boldly and honor their true voice. Why wait?

If you knew your days were numbered would you to-do list suddenly look much different? Would your actions better reflect your true priorities? Would you spend time with the same people? Would you be more daring? Would you take a leap of faith?

Maybe hug a little more. Nap a little more. Stress a little less.

What things would you not want to leave unsaid or undone? Would you plan an amazing vacation? Would you slow down and notice the natural beauty of nature and good people? Would you care a little less about what people think? What talents or creative interests have you let fall by the way side would you rekindle? Would you let the little things and small minded people matter a little less? Would you say I love you more? Who would you forgive? Who would you stand up to? Be a little more outspoken? Adventuresome? Kind? Fearless? What’s your secret burning desire? Go for it!

If you’d feel justified to make changes if you knew your days were numbered, you already have what it takes to start heading in that direction now. Don’t wait for the Universe to hit you with a 2 x 4. Start today to live each moment to the fullest so no matter how many more days you have left you’ll have no regrets and true bliss along the journey. Begin to live true to yourself rather than other people’s ideas of who and what you should be.

No matter what all our days are numbered, so make the most of each and every one.




To keep fear from stalling you, start small. This weekend, make a point to tell the people you love not only that you love them but why. Then make a list of the top 5 things you’d do in the next year if you knew it was your last. Email me your list! I’d love to see what’s on it! Then take another small step in the direction of living your best life.

Are You A Scab Picker?

Bury The Hatchet, Not Pick The Scab

I came across this quote from my friend Joyce Singleton this week that really made me think.

"There's no point in burying a hatchet if you're going to put up a marker on the site."
Cartoonist, Sydney Harris

I thought this quote eloquently describes how people habitually continue to dig up and fixate on pain or injuries from the past. Even as time woks to heal our wounds, it's tempting to pick at the scab and prolong the time it takes to be whole again. We can lean on these past insults as reasons or excuses for staying stuck or not being successful. How often to you think or comment about regretable or painful things people have said or done to you? How is this holding you back from living your best life?

I've found the people want credit for their pain. This is understandable because when you've endured and survived something difficult life doesn't seem fair. Don't get me wrong. Your pain is real and valid. The point is that holding on to hurt feelings or bitterness only hurts you, not the person who offended you. Forgivness is they key to burying the hatchet and pulling up the marker so you don't keep going back to that spot to lament and complain.

Forgiveness is a tricky subject. We're trained to believe that forgiving someone is saying what they did is ok. In reality, forgiveness is disconnecting yourself from being tangled with that person and their snippy comments, bad attitude, negative energy and hurtful behavior. It's giving yourself permission to move forward in your own power and strength so you can shine YOUR unique light. What would be truly sad is for that other person to rob the world of all the good stuff you have to offer.

Forgiveness is also tricky when the person you need to forgive most is yourself. I bet you're really good at being hard on yourself. Maybe you blame yourself for something that isn't your fault at all. Perhaps you've made mistakes or regret some choices. Ask for forgiveness from those you've harmed, including yourself. To help shift your perspective remember the wise words of Maya Angelou: "You did what you knew how to do. When you know better, you do better." Because you're reading this, I KNOW you're on your way to knowing better and doing better. This journey of self exploration will be SO much easier and smoother when you forgive yourself and others.

Bury the hatchet once and for all and don't pick the scab. Forgive...Let Go...Move Forward...Shine!

When a Whisper is Louder than a Shout

This continues our series about how to say no and set better boundaries with kids, without stress and anger. I like to view kids as capable and cooperative. Parenting is the process of solving the puzzle of how to bring out the best in already good little people. I found parenting more fun with this approach (vs. punishment, power and control) and along the way happened upon some tricks that seemed to be easier and more effective. Win-Win!

The first super easy way to keep from yelling at your kids was singing. Here is the second...Whisper!

When you find yourself on the verge of freaking out, you can get your point across just as, if not more, effectively by whispering versus shouting. Whispering has intensity because the listener has to pay close attention in order to hear; however, the low volume masks much of the anger in your voice. If you don’t think you can control your facial expression or other non-verbal language, take a deep breath and let it out. Then approach your child from behind. With your hands on their shoulders or by wrapping them up in a hug, close your eyes, and then whisper your message in their ear. Make sure to close your eyes!!! It’ll help keep you calmer as you speak.

There’s also an intrigue in whispering. If you’re contained enough to keep your frustration out of your voice and gestures, approach them quietly. Beckon them to “come here” with arched eyebrows and wide eyes, like you have an exciting secret. If you have more than one child, have them huddle around like you’re going to share an interesting mystery. The curiosity built by your approach will assure you have their full attention. They’ll be engaged and ready to hear what you have to say. Then whisper your directives to them. (If they’re little make a game out of staying quiet while they complete the task.)

Even if your irritation pushes your voice to a loud, harsh whisper, the intensity will convey your seriousness about your message without going into a rage. It may be even more intense than shouting in some ways. Yet, it’s less traumatic than being shrieked at.

Whispering can be a way to break up old habits. Yelling can become such a staple in many families that kids just learn to tune it out. Whispering demonstrates that you’re in control and deliberately managing your stress and anger, which lends credibility rather than they just growing accustomed to riding out the storms. Shaking up your routine can help get your message across more effectively.

Next time you have an occasion to loose your temper, and yell, choose to SING or WHISPER instead. Note how differently your family reacts. Notice what it was like for you not to yell.

These stressful times will pass. The question is how will you look back on how you handled it? You want to be a source of love and comfort for your children. Be the best parent you can be by getting the support you need so you can be there for your children when they need you the most. Use these tools so you can look back on the way you handled this difficult, demanding chapter of your life without regret.

If you’d like more tools for how to create Better Boundaries and a Better Life, visit my website at www.pleaseaholics.com or contact me at stephanie@pleaseholics.com.

Sing Your Way To Better Parenting, Better Life

As I was crafting this week’s article, I was reminded me of a comment I heard author Toni Morrison say during an interview with Oprah. She pointed out the impact of what a child sees on their parents face when they approach them. Very often, the parent is scanning the kiddo for cleanliness, matching clothes or is distracted all together. She made a rule to always smile and make eye contact when her children approach.

I really loved this concept and decided to follow Ms. Morrison’s lead. A child’s value is reflected to them in their parents’ eyes. I now make it a habit to smile and show our kids how genuinely happy I am to see them. It helps me be more present and a better listener and overtly demonstrates that I truly care. If you missed out of this from your parents, give it to yourself by smiling and making eye contact with yourself in the mirror. You might be surprised by the impact!

Here is the first of two super easy alternatives to yelling at your kids and still get them to listen.

#1 SING!

As anger and frustration build, you can feel the yelling ready to fly out of your mouth. And let’s be honest...sometimes yelling just feels like such a satisfying way to let the cork off the pressure cooker. Afterward, however, you regret the things you said in anger. It’s very easy for yelling to get out of hand, even escalating to verbal or emotional abuse. No parent wants to be the reason his or her child feels hurt or unlovable.

A great way to open the release valve on your stress level without scarring your kids is to sing. SING LOUD! It doesn’t matter if you are tone deaf. The lyrics don’t need to rhyme, or even make sense. All you have to do is put your words to music, with a little spunk and drama added for good measure. (My favorite style is Opera. It sounds terrible, which makes kids laugh. This tends to make them more cooperative. Plus it’s hard to be too mean when acting so foolish.)

A bold, crescendo “Let’s clean up the toys!” allows you to be as loud as you would be if your were yelling, but keep the anger and intimidation out of it so you’re not damaging your kids. Playfulness elicits their cooperation. Ask them to sing with your or add lines to the song while they’re doing what you asked.

Music has a magical power. Use it to get across to the kids in your life without having to resort to yelling and the resentment it creates over time.

How To Say NO To Your Kids Without Yelling!

I wanted to share some quick tips to help you be the best parent you can be, even with the pressures life brings. Often during these stressful times, parents feel guilty, drained and burned out. It’s easy to be too lenient with your kids, or for tempers to run high. Rather than lashing out at your children or abandoning rules and structure, use these tools to learn how to say no to your kids and stick with it, and avoid yelling at your children.

Quick tips you can use TODAY to say no to your kids AND STICK TO IT!
Usually saying no and sticking to it is related to your belief in your own authority. Rather than tackling something so big, let’s try some new ways of interacting. Very often when we act first the feeling will follow. By having some great tools you’ll feel more in charge of your parenting, creating a greater belief in your authority.

Children need to know their parents are capable of setting limits. I want you to have some practical tips to be able to give your children structure without adding to your stress level.

Tip #1: Use the power of “No” sparingly
When kids hear “no” all the time, it begins to lose its effectiveness. They can become frustrated because they feel you’re not taking their requests and needs to heart. Therefore, the relationship takes on an adversarial versus cooperative tone. Also, frequent “no’s” make kids think “no” actually means “maybe” or see it as a signal to begin bargaining, rather than taking your no seriously. Kids can’t help but learn this when their barrage of negotiation tactics is met with repeated (and sometimes increasingly loud) no’s until ultimately you given in. “No” becomes diluted, as does their respect for you.

Instead of leaping to “No” then changing your mind, simply say “Maybe”, or “I need a minute to think about that.” I know it sounds simple, but it can be easy to spit out “no” out of habit, frustration or distraction. Once you’ve said no, stick with it. But, you don’t need to repeat yourself over and over. Instead simply ask them, “What was my answer?” and let them fill in their own no.

Advice From a Tree

Advice From A Tree

This poem jumped out at me because it reminded me of our daughter. Since she's a tree lover it seemed lke an especially fitting way to celebrate her birthday and honor the journey of life.

It doesn't have to be your birthday, to use the message contained in this poem to celebrate your life and who you are. This poem is packed with simple lessons we can learn from nature that offer tools for living well.

Trees take in toxic carbon dioxide and they put out clean oxygen. So having lots of trees around is good for you. Take this game changing advice from a tree to remove the toxins from your life and replace it with peace and clarity.



Advice from a Tree



Stand Tall and Proud

Sink your roots deeply into the Earth

Reflect the light of a greater source

Think long term

Go out on a limb…

Be flexible

Remember your roots



Enjoy the view!”

-Ilan Shamir

Be the Fireworks of YOUR Independance Day

Be the Fireworks of Your Own Independence Day

People sit in quiet boredom, uninspired by their lives and those around them and complain about the state of our homes, communities, nations and planet. Yet we complain because we know things can be better. We want to believe in something bigger than ourselves. We sense that there must be something more we could be doing to elevate the experience that is this life. What are you doing? I know I’m not doing nearly enough and it’s time for that to stop. It’s time to live as big as you were born to live. It’s time to let your mind open to the possibility of what would be possible if you removed the fear, doubt, complacency and excuses. It's time to ignite the spark that lives within you. It's the spark that'll set off the uniquely beautiful fireworks that you alone possess.

Who were you born to be?

What were you born to do?

Why aren’t you doing it?

I kept myself small for a long time because I was afraid of what people would think if I really let my light shine. Even bigger than that however is my own fear of myself. I’m afraid of how big my dreams might get. I’m afraid of how difficult it might be to strive for greatness, to make a difference to serve in a way that makes ripples on the pond that ultimately turns into a tsumani on the ocean.

Ripples on the lake rock the boat. Rocking the boat has it’s place. Mostly we need to stop being so afraid to be true to ourselves. Stop hiding the tenderness, the soft spots, because you're afraid of being vulnerable. That vulnerablity sits right on top of the best, juciest parts of you. You protect them mightily becasue they are the most precious.

Let yourself be seen. You will be shocked how much more alike we are than different. You may be surprised to learn how many people fear and worry about the same things you do. If two of you feel that way, you can bet there are thousand more where that came from. What if you put your heads and hearts together to create a solution for that thing that haunts you. What an amazing gift to give to not only yourselves, but all those around you who secretly suffer in silence. Why are you making them wait? What will it take to make you take action? Ignite your light and let it light the way for others.

Not sure where to start? Here's some suggestions. Volunteer. Greet your children with excitement and a smile – every time. See the ways your partner is trying to love you. Be kinder to yourself. Reveal your pain and use it as fuel to help those struggling with the same experiences. Don’t judge. Smile at people. Say please and thank you. Forgive your parents. Forgive yourself. Take your grocery cart back to the cart return. Choose peace. Be grateful. Love one another with no expectations for anything in return. When you do, your pure loving intention will attract love, generosity and gratitude in return.

I want to know what you’re feeling called to do. Post you feel inspired to do and how you're making it happen. I can't wait to hear what good you're up to!

You are the change the world has been waiting for. I’m so glad you were born. Now get out there and do what you were born to do. Be the fireworks of your own independence day!

Little League Wisdom...Big League Results - How To Get Out of A Slump

Hitting a baseball is one of the most difficult things to do. Making solid contact between 2 round surfaces is a feat of physics and precision. The best baseball players in the world aspire to successfully accomplish this task and are considered outstanding if they achieve a .333 batting average. That means getting a hit only 1/3 of the time. Yet even thse world-class athletes get in a slump from time to time, seemingly unable to get a hit despite considerable talent and effort.

The same is true of Little League baseball players. Kids strugggle from time to time with a batting slump. They slip into a rough patch when they just can't seems to get a hit. This, of course easy to get down on themselves and more anxious at the plate. Becasue they fear they'll strick out, they won't swing the bat at all, even when a good pitch is delivered. Their worry and fear perpetuate the slump. The same it true when we get in a slump or stuck in a rut in life.

I heard my husband, Cliff, say some profound wisdom at our son's baseball game this week that got me thinking how the rules that assist baseball players to rise out of a slump are also great tools for getting unstuck in life. Cliff, coaches our son Jaxon's baseball team. The same things that make him an outstanding parent make him an ideal coach, even from my biased perspective. He's encouraging but firm; fun yet sets high expectations. Something he said to one of his players this week jumped out at me as a great philosophy for life: "Good things happen when you swing the bat." It's easy when we get in a slump to want to throw in the towel or go into hiding. Just as in baseball, good things happen when you're willing to get back in the game and keep swinging the bat.

While a slump in baseball means not making good contact with the ball, a slump in everyday life happens when you just can't seem to make contact with your dreams or goals. Maybe you're feeling down, can't land a job, repeat dysfunctional patterns in a series of failed relationships or are putting off a difficult decision. When you find yourself in a slump, get back on track by following these 5 steps of tried and true baseball wisdom. They'll help you get back into the swing of things.

1. Step Up To The Plate - To get out of a slump you have to at least be willing to get back out there and try again. Step up to the plate so you're in the game. You can't win if you don't play.

2. Keep Your Eye On The Ball - Stay focused on what you want to connect with. Good batters keep their eyes focused on watching the ball all the way, even as it hits the bat. It's more difficult to make good contact with something if you're not giving it your full attention or get distracted. Stay focused on what you really want the most.

3. Don't Swing At Sucker Pitches - Avoid falling into old patterns that keep you stuck. Repeating what hasn't worked in the past is swinging at a sucker pitch. Rather than falling into old patterns, do just ONE thing differently. It could be the difference that makes the difference.

4. Don't Force It - When you're in a slump, it's easy to get worried and anxious, comtemplating the worst case scenario. You psych yourself out by putting too much pressure on yourself or forcing something to happen too fast. Instead, let it go and allow. Try meditation, exercise or relaxation to get out of the stress zone. Allow your natural gifts and talents to flourish.

5. Good Things Happen When You Swing The Bat - We know for sure you can't get a hit it the bat stays resting comfortably on your shoulder. You may have to push yourself out of your comfort zone. You may even strick out a couple times. However, if you keep swinging, good things will start to happen.

Good things happen when you swing the bat. Swing for the fences!

Honor Your No's

Honor Your No's

“Saying No is the first way a child asserts himself or herself as an individual. It’s the first way a child feels powerful.”-Judy Ford from Wonderful Ways to Love a Child

If you grew up receiving messages that saying No was not allowed or safe, your sense of individuality and power was taken. It’s no wonder it sometimes feels so scary to say no and set boundaries!

What’s your history with no? Were your No’s honored? Think back. How did you learn the rules about saying no?

Consider the following questions. Reflect on the ones that relate to the experiences that influenced your comfort with saying no.

• When you were growing up, what examples did you see when it came to saying no?
• What were your experiences surrounding setting boundaries with people of the opposite sex?
• Were your role models listened to and respected when they set boundaries?
• Were there spoken or unspoken rules in your home growing up about allowing children to say no?
• Were you raised to speak your mind or keep your opinions to yourself?
• Were you told to speak your mind and then punished or ignored when you did?
• Were you given the latitude to make your own decisions, without guilt trips?
• What was your experience with you adolescent peer group? Did you feel you had to go along with the group against your better judgment to be accepted?
• When you spoke your mind, or said no as a kid, what happened?
• Were you labeled “too emotional” or “high strung” when you expressed your feelings?
• Did you grow up in a no-conflict home where everyone is expected to “go along to get along?”
• Growing up, was your value and/or role in your family based on protecting or caring for others or making people happy?
• Do you feel like a priority or an after thought?
• Were you compelled to take on a parental role as a child or referee your parent’s relationship?
• Were you a victim of abuse–emotional, mental, sexual or physical?
• Did you have to chase approval and love from one or both of your parents?
• Was it tense or unsafe in your home, like everyone had to walk on eggshells to avoid a volatile family member?
• Did guilt or fear of disappointing people determine your choices growing up?

The answers to some of these questions may require you to recall unpleasant or painful memories. I know it can be hard. Take a deep breath. You may have pushed some of these experiences to the back of your mind for years, or never talked about them at all. When the pain bubbles up, it’ll feel natural to shove it back down. Do something different this time. Unburden yourself from the load you’re carrying.

• Your feelings are valid. Allow them without judgment.
• Extend yourself patience, compassion and kindness.
• Grieve
• Empathize with the little child who didn’t get what he or she needed from the people that were supposed to take care.
• Get support from people who love you, or a trusted advisor.

Can you see how old messages and tapes in your head have contributed to difficulties you experience when setting boundaries in general and saying no specifically? Give yourself credit. You’ve been working really hard for a long time. Begin to let go of the old rules and beliefs that have been holding you back from stepping into the fullness of your potential.

You’ve been so strong and brave, even though the pain may make you feel weaker. I’m so proud of you. You clearly have what it takes to survive, even thrive. What strengths do you possess that have made that possible?

You can be so proud of yourself! Your No’s deserve to be heard and honored. Begin honoring your No’s today!

True Voice, True You

I vs. You

This month we’ve been breaking down the Pleaseaholic Formula. We’ve discussed how your Good Heart, Kid Logic and Mob Boss conspire to please others rather than be true to who you really are. To wrap up this topic I want to share a great tip to help you declutter your thoughts so you can hear your true voice.

This is the ONE thing you need to know in order to tell whether the voice that plays in your head is your true voice or not. This unbelievably simple tool is all you need to once and for all separate what you really think from the habits, beliefs and thoughts you’ve been programmed to have. I want you to have the secret to deciphering the endless stream of jabber that runs through your head all day. Often we become so accustomed to a certain way of thinking, it becomes difficult to wade through the junk to figure out what is you TRULY vs. what is your programming or inner critic.

Here’s the decoder ring… it’s super simple!! LISTEN FOR THE PRONOUNS! When you hear your inner voice use “You” that’s your inner critic, old beliefs or garbage that was programmed into your head in the past. When you hear “I” that is your true voice.

As you pay attention you’ll notice that limiting beliefs and inner criticisms almost always come attached with “YOU” On the other hand your true voice uses “I” to communicate with you.
Compare: “You can’t do that – You’re not smart enough” Vs. “I would love to go back to school” “You’ll never be able to make it on your own.” Vs. “I really need to do something about my marriage.”“You’re such a bad mother.” Vs. “I wish I wasn’t so hard on my kids.”

A statement on your inner taps that contains “You” or is negative is a con. It keeps you stuck on old patterns. “I” based thoughts may still reveal a change you need to make but are more constructive and forward focused.

A con only works if the mark doesn’t know what’s coming. Don’t fall for the con any more. I notice with my clients that often just noticing the pronouns starts to silence that inner critic. It’s like once the critic knows you’re aware of the con it stops trying to trip you up with it.

Start today! Use this tool to notice which pronouns you hear in your inner tape. I bet at least once today you’ll foil the con man and take back a sliver of your life. Now you know how to peel away the garbage and find your true voice! Pretty simple huh?

Your inner tape - Bodyguard or Mob Boss?

The Third Element: Mob Boss

This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:

GH + KL + MB = PHGood Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic

So far we’ve talked about the first two pieces - Good Heart and Kid Logic. This week we’ll dig into the role of the MOB BOSS. Did you know you have an inner mafia? Well it’s true! Here’s why.We are all born with an ego that’s programmed to look out for our survival. Your ego’s main function is to manage automatic responses meant to keep you safe. It assesses threats to your physical and emotional health. To make your environment safe and predictable, your ego automatically sends up flares to help you avoid things that could bring you pain. It’s there to protect you, kind of like a bodyguard.

When your Bodyguard senses something or someone similar to a threat that caused you pain in the past, it zaps you to preserve your well being. These signals come in the form of fear, anxiety, guilt and vigilance. This triggers Kid Logic (Pleaseaholic Formula element #2) to start searching for solutions. Kid Logic connects approval with survival. If your past experiences with authority figures left you feeling the best way to earn their love, acceptance or approval is to comply, you can easily slip into people pleasing.

Ironically even though the Bodyguard is supposed to prevent pain, it only speaks the language of fear; a kind of pain in and of itself. When the Bodyguard is trying to get your attention it’ll send fear to prevent you from approaching touchy or dangerous situations. Your bodyguard advises you to adopt cooperation on steroids to avoid pain. While effective at first, these strategies end up being super dysfunctional over time. Imagine the ping pong ball effect this has. You experience something unpleasant so your Bodyguard adds that to the list of things to fear. This leaves you bouncing between things that are actually unpleasant and on alert fearing things that MIGHT be unpleasant. It’s a pretty lose-lose situation. No wonder you’re so exhausted!

The ego’s other job it to keep itself alive. Even as you begin to consider changes in your life that make the Bodyguard less necessary (for example, saying no and setting better boundaries), it will fight you. The ego wants to preserve itself so it can continue to serve as your bodyguard, protecting you from things that might make you uncomfortable, scared or vulnerable. The problem is it doesn’t realize you’re no longer a kid. You don’t need a Bodyguard to be safe any more.

BODY GUARD TURNED MOB BOSS
Over time this bodyguard morphs into a mob boss. Just as the Godfather offers unsolicited favors, then comes calling for “pay back” from unsuspecting victims, your ego starts out as a benevolent bodyguard, working to keep you safe. Then it unsuspectingly places you in a trap of fears, doubts, sadness, anxiety or guilt. Your Mob Boss makes it feel difficult, or even life threatening, to consider change or stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s the emotional equivalent of a horse head in your bed. The bodyguard convinces you that you “owe it” for providing protection in the past. You feel captive and beholden to it. Without knowing why, a voice in your head tells you to fear change. The Mob Boss is the source of guilt, fear, unworthiness, depression, anxiety or doubt you encounter that keep you stuck.

It can feel literally life threatening to step out of old roles and patterns connected to People Pleasing. Your Bodyguard has convinced you that to be safe, worthy and valuable you must make those around you happy, even at your own expense. You “pay” the mob boss in the form of staying stuck, struggling to say no, questioning your own thoughts, wishes and worthiness, tolerating dysfunctional relationships and battling a relentless inner critic. What was originally set up to help you safely navigate your world has turned into a prison. The mob boss will tend to show up in consistent ways over your life. As you make strides to separate from old patterns, you’ll feel a renewed sense of freedom and satisfaction. Then a challenging situation will erupt, and your Mob Boss will tempt you to return to the comforts of old coping strategies.

Just like the mob, just when you think you’re out, your ego pulls you back in. However, like most bullies, when the Mob Boss is confronted it backs down. Gladly the Mob Boss doesn’t require you to forcefully confront it in order to break free. Rather, I’ve seen time and time again that just acknowledging that the critical, fearful voice in your head is the Mob Boss is enough to get you into witness protection. Now that you know it’s just a con, you can choose not to participate.

Act First: When you experience fear, anxiety, doubt or other limiting feelings, remember it’s just the Mob Boss trying to pull a con. Say to yourself: “This isn’t the real me. Go away Mob Boss. I’m safe without a bodyguard.” You might be surprised by what happens!

Has Kid Logic Hijacked Your Journey?

This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:

GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic

Previously we drove into the first piece: Your Good Heart. This week we’ll look at the second one – KID LOGIC. Most patterns we repeat began long ago in childhood. Therefore, these behaviors have their origins in a naive, less mature perspective. This vantage point is called “kid logic.” You chose a solution based on what worked and made sense as a kid.

It’s not surprising then, if sometimes you question why you respond the ways you do or wonder why your reaction feels incongruent with who you really are. Your reaction is couched in the coping skills of a child, not as the capable adult and divine being you really are. So if you find yourself shutting down or using a small, high voice when things aren’t going the way you’d like, you probably found that to be an effective strategy as a toddler or unrestrained child. If you respond to disapproval, disappointment or anger by walking on eggs shells, you probably experienced fear or rejection as a child.

People Pleasing is connected to all or nothing thinking. Again this is a hallmark of kid logic. It makes perfect sense that a child would fear being abandoned if they fall out of favor with important, powerful adults. Children believe if they displease people, rejection will be permanent. Kids conclude they are at risk to be lost, alone and unloved forever. Kid Logic connects approval to survival. As a result, kids will do anything to please their parents if they feel the threat of rejection looming.

Left unchecked, People Pleasers brings Kid Logic forward into adulthood. Do you find yourself jumping to defend one or both of your parents? Do you feel an inner pull to protect or save your children, spouse or partner? Do you go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disappointing others?

This is a sure sign that you scrambled to keep your parents happy, learned to take the blame when they became upset or carried the responsibility of caretaking the emotional needs of others as a child. Kid logic has hitched a ride along the way to show up in your adult dealing too, even though you’re so much more capable now then you were as a kid. A child needs to know they are loved unconditionally to avoid the snares of people pleasing and other dysfunctional traps. Most parents, teachers and other adults aren’t equipped to help kids comply with household or classroom rules or religious standards without placing conditions upon the child’s innate goodness. Even if the parent only means to modify behavior, they leave children with the message that they are acceptable only if they obey. This is to say nothering of the scars left by adults who intentionally abuse their power over children.

The buttons parents press to motivate their children to comply are the same soft spots that leave People Pleasers open to peer pressure in the future. The seeds of People Pleasing are planted early and continue to sprout.

Because children are designed to blame themselves, you may have learned to question if you are lovable and worthy. Kids are preprogrammed to conclude:
•“I’m a bad, stupid kid. I deserved to get hit (yelled at, rejected, ignored, put down, etc.). If I was good they wouldn’t have to punish me.”

•“I’m mad at my parents (or feel unprotected) but I can’t show it, so I have to shove my anger and sadness inside.”

•“My parents don’t seem to be able to take care of things around here very well. I better step up and be strong or we’re all in serious trouble.”

Kid Logic lures you to become hypercritical of yourself. When you encounter a difficult situation you may automatically revert to how you’ve handled a situation that made you feel uncomfortable in the past. Remember you have SO many more tools and emotional resources available to you now than you did when you were a kid.

How to Disconnect Kid Logic: Rather than use old habits that kid logic tries to entice you to employ, imagine how you would have handled a tough situation from childhood knowing all you know now. Replay that scenario in your mind using the coping skills you have now that you’ve grown up. This process cuts the ties to these old habits.

When Kid Logic tempts you to use old patterns to solve your current challenges, remember you don’t have to revert of the knee jerk solutions you picked up as a kid. You can move forward with your best foot forward and most mature approach.

When you check Kid Logic at the door you’ll stop stumbling over old ways of being and open the door to your best life!

Are You On Steroids?

Understanding how and why you became a Pleaseaholic will help you move forward. We covered the Pleaseaholic Formula in broad strokes before.

THE PLEASEAHOLIC FORMULA:
GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss=Pleaseaholic

Now let's explore the perfect storm that converges to create a Pleaseaholic by breaking down the formula into its component parts. First, let’s look at the first element…Good Heart.

GH = GOOD HEART
When you really think about it People Pleasing is such a wonderfully generous, kind-hearted reaction. It's actually cooperation on steroids. You could have chosen any number of ways to solve your problems along the way, and you picked extreme cooperation and generousity. That says a lot about the core of who you are and the intrinsic kindness that exists in your heart.
Remind yourself of your good heart when you find yourself People Pleasing. Empathize with the little fearful child inside of you that's only seeking safety, security and shelter. Consider the love and nurturing he or she needs so much more than another round of criticism.

When you struggle to say no and set boundaries, the adult version of yourself isn’t in charge. A scared, wounded child has hijacked the situation. If you encountered a frightened, lost child in the mall, would you criticize and yell at her, or offer comfort, support and reassurance? Extend yourself the same compassion and kindness. You deserve it just as much as that sweet little one.
Use your good heart to be kind, compassionate and loving to yourself.

Give yourself credit for being such a good person. Refuse to listen as your inner tape entices you to discount your actions because sometimes you made the choise to please others out of fear. That DOES NOT make you weak. It takes much greater strength to be flexible and generous than brash and aggressive. By your very nature you operate from a loving, kind, generous place. Remember…of all the options you had to manage your life, you chose cooperation on steroids.
Stop for a second and really soak that up. Say outloud: “At my core I am a wonderful, generous person.” (Yes, you must actually say it outloud. There’s something powerful connected to speaking the words.)

Act First: Write this statement on Post-Its and note cards and place them around your home, car, wallet, office…any where you spend time so you are surrounded by reminders of your good heart. Repeat the statement out loud whenever it comes into view.

“We do what we know how to do. When we know better we do better.”
Dr. Maya Angelou

You did what you knew how to do when you were young to try to make sense of and feel safe in your surroundings. It’s no coincidence you’re reading this right now. You’ve sensed now is the time to learn something better so you can do something better. Every experience you’ve had on your journey so far and brought you to this moment.

This is your time! Begin your best life today!

The 85% Rule

The 85% Rule

The 85% Rule is ideal when you’re stuck due to irritation or anger with someone else's behavior.

The 85% Rule is:
85% of other people’s behavior is about them. It has nothing to do with you. Your inner filter determines the other 15%.

If another person is mean, rude or disrespectful, it’s because THEY are mean, rude or disrespectful. It has nothing to do with you. This is when your internal filter comes into play. You may believe others target you specifically or you deserve that level of treatment. Your filter determines your interpretation of other people’s actions and whether or not you choose to get attached to or sucked in by drama.

Your filter also colors how you choose to react and respond. Sometimes we get a great deal of satisfaction by sharing our tales of woe of how someone else has offended us. We wear the badge of “victim” with pride, as a sign and signal of how wounded we are. (This is a perfect excuse to rationalize and avoid responsibility for why things aren’t working in your life by the way. Avoid this trap!) How much time do you want to spend letting mean, rude, disrespectful people run your life or determine your mood? Let it go. Their behavior reflects on them. Your behavior reflects on you. Reflect your best by choosing to operate from a place of peace and strength.

“The big thing is not what happens to us in life - but what we do about what happens to us." - George Allen

Complaining about or paying attention to the ways others have offended you indicates that, on some level, you’re in the habit of being treated in this manner. You may even believe you deserve it. If your filter is set up to respond to acts of “disrespect” you’re going to be triggered by them. For example, my client “Chris” grew up as a scapegoat. He was blamed for every wrong doing in his family. As a result, he learned to interpret other people’s comments as criticism. This started out as a way to protect himself, but over time this became a habit of fear-based mindset and behaviors. He responded defensively and often over reacted to someone’s neutral comment, perpetuating the cycle of rejection.

As we worked to clear his anger, grief and guilt about the mistreatment he experienced throughout his life, he was able to lower his internal threat level. Merely understanding that his reactions were triggered by damage from his past, gave Chris a greater sense of control. Cleaning up his filter and lowering his inner threat level allowed Chris to detach emotionally from other people’s behaviors. He began to experience less stress because he no longer automatically assigned a negative connotation to other people’s action and comments. Chris did not perceive as much judgment from others. Reducing defensiveness gave him the opportunity to respond deliberately, therefore more effectively. People enjoyed his company more and he found less conflict. Not only was he more at peace, but found strength in his ability to guide the course of his interactions to get the results he desired.

Follow these steps when you find a person or situation upsetting:
1. Remember 85% of their behavior is about them only.
You are not to blame. You are not responsible for their actions. You cannot control their choices and actions. Let it go!
2. Ask yourself: What does the present situation remind you of?
What experiences from your past entice you to respond defensively? If you find yourself attracting disrespectful people, it’s because your underlying energies match. They’re looking to irritate someone and, on some level, you’re looking to be irritated. The person you’re triggered by may be in your life to help you learn how to let go of trivial stuff (even when your inner tape is working to convince you it’s crucial to win.)

This irritating person may be just the lesson you need to practice putting your full attention on living your best life. Or maybe that person wants to sabotage your growth. Either way you loose when you choose to let them set the tone. Your inner tape determines which behaviors bug you versus other stuff that rolls off your back. As this tape plays in your head, it creates your interpretation of any event. You assign meaning to your experiences. Record a new tape to clean the gunk out of your filter so fewer things stick to it.

If you find yourself irritated or offended by someone, interrupt the inner tape that is attempting to suck you into drama. Remind yourself other peoples’ behavior doesn’t have to mean what you’ve thought it meant in the past. Recall the 85% Rule. Disconnect from this low-value energy activity and refuse to be pulled down in the muck. Their behavior is not about you. LET IT GO!

Use the 85% Rule to see their bad behavior for what it is: a reflection on them, not you. The changes you’ll see from making this shift will blow your mind!!!

The People Pleaser Formula

THE PLEASEAHOLIC FORMULA: GH + KL + MB = PH Understanding how and why you became a Pleaseaholic will help you move forward. This month we’ll explore the perfect storm that converges to create a Pleaseaholic. Understanding this formula will open your eyes to what’s going on, so you can move forward. Today, let’s look at all the components it takes to grow a Pleaseaholic. Then each week of April we’ll dig deeper into each of the pieces of this puzzle to give you a clearer picture of what keeps you stuck. That way you can begin let it go and move forward more quickly. Here’s the Pleaseaholic Formula: GH + KL + MB = PH: Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss=Pleaseaholic

The Pleaseaholic Formula explains WHY we’re driven to People Pleasing. I want to be really clear about why we’re spending any time looking at the “Why.” Answering this question is ONLY important for one reason: I want you to have a better understanding of what enticed you into People Pleasing in the first place. That will make it easier to let yourself off the hook, rather than beat yourself up, when you end of being spread so thin. By understanding why you’ve chosen the path you’re on, you’ll be more able to forgive yourself (and others) and extend yourself kindness, compassion and empathy as you move forward. That way you can side step land mines rather than repeat old patterns. This will NOT be an exercise in blaming others or making excuses. If you’re waiting for whoever launched you onto your Pleaseaholic path to change or apologize so your life can improve, you’re going to waiting a very, very long time. No one deserves to have that kind of power over your life any more. I want you to choose your life deliberately rather than just floating along wherever the current takes you. It would be a disservice to allow or encourage you to make excuses. Blaming others keeps you from all the good stuff that’s available once you shift your mindset.

The Pleaseaholic Formula describes the perfect combination of factors needed to produce a Pleaseaholic. AKA why you’re a Pleaseaholic. The short answer to why you’re a People Pleaser is this: People Pleasing was the best solution you could come up with so far to manage your world. When we encounter a challenge or feel afraid the human brain seeks to solve the problem. Behaviors you use over and over exist because somehow these habits have worked well enough so far. You also stay stuck if you don’t know a better way exists or think taking a different path would be too difficult. There’s always a good reason you’ve chosen the behaviors, thoughts and feelings you’re employing currently…because they’ve worked well enough in the past to survive.

Now it’s time to THRIVE!

People Pleasing costs time, money and joy or causes stress and dysfunction. You’ve decided these consequences are either tolerable or preferable compared to what you fear would happen if you tried something different. You sacrifice your true self and morph into who and what others want you to be.

Even though this is an exorbitant price to pay, Pleaseaholics have been trained long ago that it is better to keep people happy than risk upsetting the apple cart. The fear of what might happen if people around you are upset, trumps the pain of contorting yourself to comply with the needs of others.

The most important thing to remember is you had an infinite number of choices for how to manage the stressors of your life and you chose cooperation on steroids. That says a lots about the wonderful person you are at your core. If that inner critic starts to chirp at you, remember the kindness that fuels your good heart. It takes strength to be as flexible and accommodating as you’ve been. With such a good heart and amazing strength, you can achieve anything!

Can you believe THIS makes people happy?

Why Aren't I Happy Yet? So many people in our society find themselves struggling to be happy. This article answers the question “Why aren’t I happy yet?” The purpose of asking why isn’t to blame or stay stuck. Rather, understanding why will help you be more compassionate with yourself so you can move forward. Plus you'll learn the simple act that shared by happy people. I couldn't believe what it was, so I want to share their secret with you too! First, we have to understand happiness is a fairly modern phenomenon to seek happiness. Through most of history people have been scraping by just to meet basic needs and didn’t really have time to consider happiness. Especially in a relatively affluent society like ours, so many of our basic needs are taken care of that we have the mental space to pay attention to what’s next. That’s why we become disenchanted with material success and can feel hollow if we don’t have meaningful connections in our life. Often the people that suffer the most in silence are people who appear to have it all and have it all together by society’s standards, but inside they feel unfulfilled, empty, or fear people will find out they’re not actually good enough. If you’re one of these people, you probably feel super guilty that you’re not more satisfied. You probably say: “I should quit complaining. I have so much to be grateful for. I should just stop whining. So many people have it worse than me. I should be happy. What’s wrong with me?” Even worse, if you talk with other people about how you feel unfulfilled or sad, you’re likely to be met with a pretty unsympathetic response. Other people may say, “I wish that was my biggest problem. How hard can it be? You have it all. It must be nice.” This just reinforces your sense of isolation and guilt. Successful yet secretly sad people hide in plain sight. Are you one of these unhappy people hiding behind success and bling who’s actually a shell – hollow and lonely? Are you frightened that people might find out your secret…that you don’t think you’re as great as everyone thinks you are? If so, it’s no coincidence you’re reading this article today. You’re in the right place at the right time. I can help. What makes happiness so illusive, even when it seems like you’re doing everything right? I bet you’ll see yourself somewhere on this list. 1. Are you a Perfectionist? Being so hard on yourself makes it difficult to see what’s actually going well. Force yourself to come up with 1 thing you’re good at. 2. Do you get snared in the “I’ll be happy when…” trap? I’ll be happy when… I get a good jobHave my dream car or houseLoose 10 (or 50!) poundsGet marriedHave a babyETC… What beauty exists in your life now? Look at the mountains or other beauties in nature. Notice a child laughing. What do you have to be happy about right now? 3. Are you pursuing goals, standards for success and achievements that are other people’s expectations for you rather than what truly reflects who you are and what’s important for you? What do you really want? What are you doing when time just flies by? 4. Do you equate value with external stuff?I am my house, job, clothes, car, money, body image, and your children’s successYou have value just because you’re breathing. Your value is in being not doing, earning or achieving. 5. Are you disconnected form your purpose, calling or passion? It’s easy to busy yourself filling your life with what you think you “should” be doing, so you no longer spend time on what truly fills you up inside. What are you passionate about? (If not sure – guess. I bet your guess is right on.) What are you doing when you find time just flies by blissfully? Spend 1 minute a day pursuing your passion. Take a small step today! 6. Have you experienced grief and loss? Very often sadness is the result of losing someone or something important. Perhaps you cling to the pain because you fear you won’t be able to get it back together. Or you believe the pain is the only thing that keeps you connected to what or who you’ve lost. Actually your grief is a signal of how well you loved. You’re perfectly right to crave happiness and miss it when it’s not there. Rather than judge yourself, see this longing for happiness as a wake up call to what’s possible. This is the Universe begging you to realize your capacity to serve and achieve. Life is nudging you to remember what you’re put on this earth to do…to rekindle your purpose and passion for life. If your sadness is related to a loss, your search for happiness is a calling to honor the memory of who or what you’ve lost by adding more meaningful interactions to your life. What message is the Universe trying to send you? This is your wake up call. Reach out for my hand…I will help you get from the sad, heavy, frustrated to happy, successful and peaceful. In the meantime, begin the secret habit that’s shared by happy people. It’s so simple you might not believe it! Happy people make their bed! If you’re not happy yet, act first as happy people do and expect the feelings will follow. Put this practice into place as an invitation to create more happiness in your life. Happy bed making!

Flattery (And A Thank You) Will Get You Everywhere

It’s often helpful to be able to learn quickly what type of personality you’re dealing with. Non-verbal language gives away a lot of information if you know what to look for. This week’s article gives you a quick trick to determine if you’re dealing with a passive, assertive or aggressive person without having to look closely for subtle cues. It’s not always easy to get a person to show their true colors in the course of typical conversation. Certainly, it’s difficult to determine their style quickly.

The secret to learning who they really are is to give a compliment. A person’s response to a flattering remark lets you peek behind the curtain every time.

Aggressive Types: When given a compliment an aggressive person will agree or elaborate on your comments.
Passive Types: When given a compliment a passive person will refute or down play the praise.
Assertive Types: When given a compliment an assertive person will simply say “Thank you.”

The great thing about this technique is it’s always appropriate to offer a compliment or flattery. In this way, you can join with a new acquaintance and still gain important information that will assist you in knowing what to expect from a person right away. Whether you’ve just met, or you’ve known a person for a while and just can’t quite get a read on them, this strategy is effective.

The compliment response technique also works in reverse. Pay attention to your response to a compliment. What does your reaction say about you? If you want to adopt a more assertive approach, make sure you respond to every compliment with a simple “Thank You.” Not only will people perceive you as more confident (even if you’re not quite feel it), but you’ll also begin to show more assertiveness in other areas of your life.

A simple “Thank You” goes a long way to getting rid of the disease to please. Give it a try!

Forgiveness: The Gift You Give Yourself

Forgiveness is a tricky word for people. We connect forgiveness with the idea that we’re saying “it’s ok.” You may resist the very idea of forgiving people who’ve offended you, both in big and small ways, because you don’t want to let them off the hook. The secret is that forgiving someone isn’t saying you absolve, condone or accept what they did as “ok.” Rather, forgiveness is about letting go of the pain their actions caused.

What’s the virtue of holding on to pain? We cling to pain as a reminder of what to avoid in the future. It starts out as protective armor. Over time, it’s just a heavy burden to bear. The pain is no longer serving its purpose. It’s time to let it go.

The other secret about forgiveness is not for them; it’s for you. You’re not doing a favor for the people who hurt you. Forgiveness is for you. You are the only one who’s paying the price for holding on to those negative thoughts and feelings. The person who hurt you doesn’t carry that burden…you do. Do you feel the weight of it on your shoulders? Can you feel the hole in your heart? The pit in your stomach? These can be healed. Forgiveness is a good first step.

Letting go of these old wounds and hurts is key to moving forward. You must release your grip on them to allow yourself a free hand to grab on to wonderful, uplifting thoughts, experiences and people. It may feel literally life threatening to consider forgiving people for their offenses. The more painful the injury, the more you’ll want to resist. Allow yourself to disconnect, so you’re no longer owned by pain and resentment. The person who hurt you doesn’t deserve to continue to be a part of your life in this way, or determine the quality of your life.

Maybe the person you need to forgive most is yourself. You’re so hard on yourself! Remember you’ve made the best decisions you could along the way. You did the best best you knew how to do. Share your good heart with yourself. Show yourself the same compassion you would another well intended person or small, frightened child. Make it up to yourself by doing better from here forward.

Consider this amazing quote from one of my life-long friends (I’m so lucky to have such wonderful friends in my life!):

“Life provides many opportunities to show compassion and forgiveness. I hope I am able to provide both and both can be provided to me.”-Debbie Hay

Forgive and show compassion for yourself. Live free of that heavy burden. Let go and move forward.

The Secret Word Is ...

The Secret Word is…
You can completely change the tone of a conversation by just altering ONE WORD in your sentence. By shifting the quality of the conversation you can improve not only your communication, but your relationships too. I want you to have this communication secret!
The trick is to change your conjunctions. Replace the word “but” with “and.” “And” brings a bridge between the two halves of a sentence. “But” describes a contrast or conflict between the two. The difference this one small change makes will blow your mind!

Often when we’re giving feedback to someone about something we want them to correct, we try to buffer it by starting off with something nice then finish up with the critique. Almost always, we join these two ideas using “but” in the middle. For example, a boss might say, “I really appreciate you working to get all the filing done, but the blue folders needed to go to corporate.” While this is a good effort to spare the employee’s feelings, the employee only hears the criticism. Remember this rule: The human brain minimizes everything that comes before the “but.”

This is true with all types of communication.
“I love you , but…”
“I care about you, but…”
“It’s really important to me but…”
“I appreciate your effort, but…”

The “but” negates the good stuff you truly want to be the focus of your message to a person you care about a lot.

The solution is to use one of the three following options:
1. Switch the order of the feedback. Start with the critique and finish off with the compliment. For example, the boss could have said, “The blue folders needed to go to corporate, but I really appreciate you working to get all the filing done.” The employee still understands the problem needs to be corrected, but leaves feeling appreciated.

2. Use Compliment Sandwich. This is similar to #1; however with Compliment Sandwich the corrective action is sandwiched between two compliments. Using our same example, the boss could say, “I really appreciate you working to get all the filing done. The blue folders actually needed to go to corporate. Thanks for working so hard to get that taken care of.”

3. Trade “but” for “and” When you eliminate the “but” and replace it with “and” the whole tone of the sentence changes. In fact, you kind of have to shift up the words so the sentence even makes sense. Compare “I love you, but I can’t make it to your game this weekend.” with “I love you, and I can’t make it to your game this weekend.” “And” almost dictates that you have to soften the disappointing news. For example, “I love you, and I’m so disappointed I’m going to miss your game this weekend.” You’ll find yourself naturally rewording your sentences to accommodate the kindness “And” delivers.

Assignment: Switch out “but” in favor of “and.” Let me know how your communication and relationships shift!

If you want more ideas and solutions to improve your life, go to www.pleaseaholics.com and get my Free CD, Stop Being So Hard On Yourself! Simple Steps to Becoming Happier and More Productive. Also available online: The Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System and Marketing & Mindset Money Magnet Home Study System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
Copywrite 2010 Pleaseaholics. All rights reserved.

Stop "Shoulding" On Yourself

PUT PROCRASTINATION OFF UNTIL TOMORROW

Procrastination hinders your progress toward your best life. You procrastinate for one of two reasons.
1. You don’t want to
2. You’re afraid to

Either way you probably spend a ridiculous amount of time lecturing yourself about what you “should” be doing. “Shoulding” on yourself wastes time and energy. Spending energy and time badgering yourself about what you should be doing gives the illusion you’re accomplishing something. However in reality you’re spinning your wheels, which accomplishes nothing. Just because it’s a verb doesn’t make it an action.

I learned the remedy for procrastination from my husband, Cliff. When we were in college I would occasionally put off schoolwork in favor of watching TV. Of course I’d pause to complain about how I “should” be studying. I didn’t even really enjoy the show because I spend so much time distracted with thoughts of the work I “should” be accomplishing. Finally, Cliff said, “Just pick one! Either choose to watch TV, stop complaining and enjoy it, OR shut off the TV and study.” Irritating, but wise.

If you find procrastination gets in the way of climbing the steps that will lead to your dreams (or finishing your taxes or confronting your co-worker or whatever) follow these steps:

1. Determine WHY you’re procrastinating.
Do you not want to? OR Are you afraid to?

If you don’t want to you have several options:

• Hire someone else to do it.
• Choose not to do it and accept responsibility for the consequences. (No excuses!)
• Suck it up and do it anyway. Take the first small step today!

If fear is fueling your procrastination, follow these steps:

• Speak your truth out loud. (I’m afraid of being rejected.)
• Ask yourself, “What experience from your past does this remind you of?”
• Remind yourself you did the best you knew how to do when handling this kind of fear in the past. Be kind and compassionate with yourself, as you would a small, scared child.
• Let go of your connection to this past pain. Take a deep breath and let it out. Repeat to yourself, “I release and forgive my fear in favor of peace.”
• If the fear persists, ask yourself, “What would I do if I weren’t afraid?” Take the first step today. Feel the fear and do it anyway. We don’t always get to be comfortable along this journey. (Also, consider checking in with me about more tools I can offer you.)

2. Remove the word “should” from your vocabulary. Replace it with “will” or “choose not to.” For example, eliminate “I should get started on that grant application.” Instead, say, “I will get started on that grant application this afternoon.” OR “I choose not to get started on that grant application.” Be accountable and responsible for what you say you “will” or “choose to” do.

Stop “shoulding” on yourself and take action today! Your best life is waiting!

If you want more ideas and solutions to improve your life, go to www.pleaseaholics.com and get my Free CD, Stop Being So Hard On Yourself! Simple Steps to Becoming Happier and More Produtive. Also available online: The Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System and Marketing & Mindset Money Magent Home Sutdy System at www.pleaseaholics.com.

The Best Bedtime Ritual Ever

In the spirit of Martin Luther King Day, take a cue from Dr. King. He spelled out and manifested his dream. What’s your dream today? Speak it, visualize it and believe it and it will come true too.

In the meantime, I want to help you have sweeter dreams. Over the weekend our son, Jaxon’s, friend stayed the night. I’m a more the merrier kind of person, so of course we included him in our bedtime ritual. When I was sharing excerpts of the great conversation that emerged from our ritual with the friend’s dad, he was intrigued with our nightly practice. We’ve been tucking our kids in bed this way for so long, I don’t really think of it as novel, but his fascination made me want to share it with you.

Since our oldest child, Rachel, was little we’ve wrapped up the day with the same bedtime ritual. The ritual has evolved over time as the kids have grown, but essentially it consists of 4 questions. The questions beckon us to take a moment to reflect on the day. The questions hold a dual purpose. First, they build a habit of gratitude and insightfulness. They also offer an opportunity to keep our inner filter as clean and clear as possible.

The 4 questions that comprise our bedtime ritual are:
1. What was your favorite thing about today?
2. Was there anything you wish was different?
3. What did you learn today?
4. What did you do or notice that was kind or made you proud?

The first question creates a gratitude practice. I wanted our children to grow up aware of all the blessings for which they can be thankful. Even the worst day has a silver lining. Putting attention on the sweet spots builds an attitude of optimism, gratitude and joy.

Question two builds a habit of letting go of irritations, insults, hurt and pain on a daily basis. It’s how we keep our inner filter clear so gunk doesn’t build up over time. Processing life’s disappointments and regret in smaller pieces offloads pain while it’s still manageable and innocuous. This was especially helpful when the kids were young. There are so many bumps and bruises in a child’s day. Knowing they have a safe place to unload those burdens keeps their spirits free and deepens our relationship at the same time. It works for adults too.

We added the third question, “What did you learn today” as the kids grew older. Every day holds a lesson. Especially the hard days. When we find the lesson, we avoid repeating ineffective actions and find solutions more quickly. I want to arm our kids with the ability to learn what the day’s experiences have to teach so they live a rich and deliberate life. Further, I feel it’s important they are raised with a healthy sense of curiosity, wonder and love of learning.

The fourth and final question is designed to keep them alert throughout the day for opportunities to show kindness to others, or notice ways people extend kindness to them. Random acts of kindness create ripple effects of happiness. Setting an expectation that they seek out ways to spread joy builds a charitable mindset, but also reminds them of how fortunate they are. We added the piece about feeling proud because they beamed with pride as they described the acts of kindness they offered or witnessed. Allowing them to recount experiences that made them feel proud builds their self-esteem from the inside out.

Beyond the lesson and habits we’re hoping to build with our bedtime ritual, something even more special emerges. The four questions give birth to the best conversations. We learn more about each other lend support when needed and celebrate successes too. The result is deep, abiding relationships that are my most prized treasures.

Adopt this bedtime ritual for yourself. You can process your day alone or with people you love. Debriefing your day will allow you to develop a gratitude practice, definitely a hallmark of happy people. Processing challenges daily in small pieces will keep gunk from piling up and your filter free of debris. Finding lessons and opportunities to show kindness along the way shifts your mindset so you see the glass as half full. I hope you’ll begin to notice all the things you have to be proud of. Who knows…maybe you’ll find yourself engrossed in some great chats and beautiful relationships too. Let me know how it goes!

If you want more ideas and solutions to improve your life, go to www.pleaseaholics.com and get my Free CD, Stop Being So Hard On Yourself! Simple Steps to Becoming Happier and More Produtive. Also available online: The Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System and Marketing & Mindset Money Magnet Home Study System at www.pleaseaholics.com.

Check Your Filter

How about all this snow! Did you know currently 49 of the 50 states (even Hawaii!) have snow. The widespread cold snap reminded me to clean our furnace filter. The metaphor of this chore lead me to ponder...Is my internal filter effecting my ability to be warm and comfortable?

A couple years years after we bought our first house, we had our furnace serviced. The technician asked me how often we replace or clean out our filter. He was floored when I told her we’d never cleaned out the filter. He gave me a long lecture about how important it is to regularly check and maintain the filter to it stays clean. He educated me about how much harder the furnace has to work when the filter is dirty, and how much more energy it takes to produce warmth when the filter is bogged down with gunk. Not only was this a great lesson in home maintainence, but also a perfect metaphor for life.

We each have an inner filter through which we see and experience the world. The filter creates your perspective on life. It determines your intrepration of other people actions and how you choose to respond. Your filter also creates the expectations you have for what is or is not possible in your life.

Your filter gets dirty when you stay connected to past pain,fear, guilt or ways people have offended you in the past. If you don’t regularly clean out your filter, it becomes clogged with anger, resentment and bitterness. Your filter causes you to assign meaning to situations you encounter. This meaning creates the rules, excuses and reasons you use to rationalize staying stuck hold you back from pursuing what you want most in life. Would it surprise you to learn that you’ve decided what other people’s actions are about. Would you be shocked to learn their behaviors don’t have to mean what believed all along?

More importantly, your filter creates the energy people pick up from you. Have you ever encountered someone who makes you feel better just to be around them? How about someone who just makes you feel drained or creeped out? This is a reflection of their inner filter. What expereince do you want people to have when they’re around you? Is your energy attractive or repellant? If you want to attract more good stuff in your life, clean out your filter.

When your filter as clean as possible, there’s less gunk to which negativity you encounter can get stuck. You’re able to experience irritating or difficult people and situations without being offended or bothered. Instead of getting stuck, their bad energy just passes right through. You can be uneffected by their pessemistic, draining approach or, even rudeness.

Having a clean filter allows you to be proactive rather than reactive; optimistic versus pessimistic; generous over stingy and confident not fearful. As you clear out your filter, your actions will lead people to view you as confident, authentic and uplifting. Elevating your energy level in this way will attract people and opportunities to you that are just what you need to be happy.

What people and experiences would you like to attract? True Friends? Mentors? Pleasant interactions with acquaintances and strangers? Divine Intimate Relationships? Improved co-parenting with your exspouse? Deep, loving parenting/child relationships? Cooperative, supportive friends and family?

To keep your inner filter clean, follow the advice of my furnace repairman:
1. Make a habit of looking at your filter regularly. (He says once a month for the furnace; I say once a day for your inner filter)
2. Clean your filter by letting go of your attachment to other people’s filters. Let it go!
3. When you find yourself getting triggered by something sticking in your filter, notice what the current situation reminds you of. It’s very likely you’re responding to layers of gunk and pain, not just what’s going on right now.
4. Deal with the core of what’s really bothering you and let go of past hurt and pain. Move forward with a clean filter and approach to life.

When you clean out your filter, you’ll find you don’t have to work so hard to function. You’ll be more comfortable, using far less energy. A clean filter makes it so much easier to have warmth in your heart and in your home.

Your Big 3

Your Big 3
“Action expresses priorities.”-Mahatma Gandhi

With the fast pace of life, it’s easy to get distracted. However, there are only a limited number of things that actually matter. The rest is background noise that has the potential to pull you off track. Before you know it you end up in a situation that doesn’t match your core values or sucks your energy. Don’t get bogged down in the little distractions or mundane irritations. I want you to have a screening process in place to help keep you focused AND on track with your priorities and true self.

Back when I was a full blown Pleaseaholic, I found myself trying to keep everyone happy by spending time and energy on stuff that not only wasn’t important to me, but kept me from giving my best to the people and causes that were dearest to my heart. To help keep me living intentionally and deliberately in the direction of my ideal life, I created a system I want to share with you called “The Big 3.” This tool guides you when tempted to choose thoughts or actions that are incongruent with your heart’s deepest desires.

“The Big 3” are your top three priorities in life. By determining your top 3 priorities ahead of time it’ll be easier to avoid caving to pressure, melting in the heat of the moment or being swayed by guilt. Having already decided, you’ll be able to make an authentic choice that naturally supports your most valued relationships, satisfaction and joy.

Everyone’s list is different. You get to decide what “The Big 3” are for you. Mine are:
• Relationships (Me, kids, husband, friends, extended family, kindness to strangers)
• Learning/Growth/Knowledge
• Authentic Financial Abundance/Money

You’ll note “ME” is the first relationship I tend to. My relationship with myself determines the quality of all my other relationships. If I’m down, emotionally depleted or stressed, I’m not going to have my best to offer to the people I love who depend on me. Making yourself your top priority isn’t selfish…it’s selfish to withhold the best of your self from others because you’re unwilling to be kind to and care for yourself.

The distinction between selfish or self-absorbed behavior and self-care is selfishness only benefits you. On the other hand, self-care and kindness allow you to replenish your inner reserves so you have what you need to be of service in the ways that feel most meaningful to you. For example, if you go get a pedicure because you want people at the beach to think you’re cool or rich because your toes are pretty, that’s probably self-absorbed. If you go get a pedicure because the mental break and relaxation allows you to recharge your batteries, so you can help care for your children, growing business AND aging parents, that’s self-care. (Plus, it’s ok if just lifts your spirits to look your best.) Do you see the difference?

When I need to make a decision about how to allocate my time, energy and resources, I consult my Big 3 and make the choice that is most in harmony with these core values.
You can customize and tailor your “Big 3” according to your values and personality. For example, relationships have probably been my top priority my whole life, but since I’m a recovering Pleaseaholic, I could easily get in trouble if I just left “Relationships” as a broad term. Because in the past I was trying to please everyone all the time, I would have felt compelled to tend to relationships almost equally. A good relationship with my mailman was as important as the quality of my relationship with my mom.

If I weren’t specific, I could easily get pulled off track. Really taking time to ponder what relationships TRULY matter helped me break out of my old patterns of seeking approval from everyone. I set better boundaries and put my attention on the relationships that matter most. (I still make a conscious choice to extend kindness to strangers&hell ip;for me it’s an offering of gratitude. I hope to create a ripple effect. Pay it forward and all that stuff.

Do your actions match Your BIG 3? For example, I know tons of people who would list their children’s happiness and well being as their #1 priority. However, their actions demonstrate a clean house, their career or perfect image is higher priorities. This isn’t a judgment, but rather me holding you accountable to honestly assess the congruence of your words and actions. (You know what they say, speaks louder…) Of course I believe in balance between a thriving career, a healthy family and polished appearance too. However, look at what the net effect of your actions communicates. Either change your “Big 3” to match your actual actions, or consider you may need to change your actions.

What we put our attention on and keep track of grows. “The Big 3” helps maintain balance and deliberate living so your results are in line with your passions and priorities. That’s lots more satisfying and enjoyable!

YOUR ASSIGNMENT: Craft your Big 3! It’s easy to get distracted or slip into old habits. Having a screening process in place will help keep you focused AND keep your life on track with your priorities and true self. When you feel unsure about what to do, consult and act in accordance with your Big 3.