PUT PROCRASTINATION OFF UNTIL TOMORROW
Procrastination hinders your progress toward your best life. You procrastinate for one of two reasons.
1. You don’t want to
2. You’re afraid to
Either way you probably spend a ridiculous amount of time lecturing yourself about what you “should” be doing. “Shoulding” on yourself wastes time and energy. Spending energy and time badgering yourself about what you should be doing gives the illusion you’re accomplishing something. However in reality you’re spinning your wheels, which accomplishes nothing. Just because it’s a verb doesn’t make it an action.
I learned the remedy for procrastination from my husband, Cliff. When we were in college I would occasionally put off schoolwork in favor of watching TV. Of course I’d pause to complain about how I “should” be studying. I didn’t even really enjoy the show because I spend so much time distracted with thoughts of the work I “should” be accomplishing. Finally, Cliff said, “Just pick one! Either choose to watch TV, stop complaining and enjoy it, OR shut off the TV and study.” Irritating, but wise.
If you find procrastination gets in the way of climbing the steps that will lead to your dreams (or finishing your taxes or confronting your co-worker or whatever) follow these steps:
1. Determine WHY you’re procrastinating.
Do you not want to? OR Are you afraid to?
If you don’t want to you have several options:
• Hire someone else to do it.
• Choose not to do it and accept responsibility for the consequences. (No excuses!)
• Suck it up and do it anyway. Take the first small step today!
If fear is fueling your procrastination, follow these steps:
• Speak your truth out loud. (I’m afraid of being rejected.)
• Ask yourself, “What experience from your past does this remind you of?”
• Remind yourself you did the best you knew how to do when handling this kind of fear in the past. Be kind and compassionate with yourself, as you would a small, scared child.
• Let go of your connection to this past pain. Take a deep breath and let it out. Repeat to yourself, “I release and forgive my fear in favor of peace.”
• If the fear persists, ask yourself, “What would I do if I weren’t afraid?” Take the first step today. Feel the fear and do it anyway. We don’t always get to be comfortable along this journey. (Also, consider checking in with me about more tools I can offer you.)
2. Remove the word “should” from your vocabulary. Replace it with “will” or “choose not to.” For example, eliminate “I should get started on that grant application.” Instead, say, “I will get started on that grant application this afternoon.” OR “I choose not to get started on that grant application.” Be accountable and responsible for what you say you “will” or “choose to” do.
Stop “shoulding” on yourself and take action today! Your best life is waiting!
If you want more ideas and solutions to improve your life, go to www.pleaseaholics.com and get my Free CD, Stop Being So Hard On Yourself! Simple Steps to Becoming Happier and More Produtive. Also available online: The Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System and Marketing & Mindset Money Magent Home Sutdy System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
The Best Bedtime Ritual Ever
In the spirit of Martin Luther King Day, take a cue from Dr. King. He spelled out and manifested his dream. What’s your dream today? Speak it, visualize it and believe it and it will come true too.
In the meantime, I want to help you have sweeter dreams. Over the weekend our son, Jaxon’s, friend stayed the night. I’m a more the merrier kind of person, so of course we included him in our bedtime ritual. When I was sharing excerpts of the great conversation that emerged from our ritual with the friend’s dad, he was intrigued with our nightly practice. We’ve been tucking our kids in bed this way for so long, I don’t really think of it as novel, but his fascination made me want to share it with you.
Since our oldest child, Rachel, was little we’ve wrapped up the day with the same bedtime ritual. The ritual has evolved over time as the kids have grown, but essentially it consists of 4 questions. The questions beckon us to take a moment to reflect on the day. The questions hold a dual purpose. First, they build a habit of gratitude and insightfulness. They also offer an opportunity to keep our inner filter as clean and clear as possible.
The 4 questions that comprise our bedtime ritual are:
1. What was your favorite thing about today?
2. Was there anything you wish was different?
3. What did you learn today?
4. What did you do or notice that was kind or made you proud?
The first question creates a gratitude practice. I wanted our children to grow up aware of all the blessings for which they can be thankful. Even the worst day has a silver lining. Putting attention on the sweet spots builds an attitude of optimism, gratitude and joy.
Question two builds a habit of letting go of irritations, insults, hurt and pain on a daily basis. It’s how we keep our inner filter clear so gunk doesn’t build up over time. Processing life’s disappointments and regret in smaller pieces offloads pain while it’s still manageable and innocuous. This was especially helpful when the kids were young. There are so many bumps and bruises in a child’s day. Knowing they have a safe place to unload those burdens keeps their spirits free and deepens our relationship at the same time. It works for adults too.
We added the third question, “What did you learn today” as the kids grew older. Every day holds a lesson. Especially the hard days. When we find the lesson, we avoid repeating ineffective actions and find solutions more quickly. I want to arm our kids with the ability to learn what the day’s experiences have to teach so they live a rich and deliberate life. Further, I feel it’s important they are raised with a healthy sense of curiosity, wonder and love of learning.
The fourth and final question is designed to keep them alert throughout the day for opportunities to show kindness to others, or notice ways people extend kindness to them. Random acts of kindness create ripple effects of happiness. Setting an expectation that they seek out ways to spread joy builds a charitable mindset, but also reminds them of how fortunate they are. We added the piece about feeling proud because they beamed with pride as they described the acts of kindness they offered or witnessed. Allowing them to recount experiences that made them feel proud builds their self-esteem from the inside out.
Beyond the lesson and habits we’re hoping to build with our bedtime ritual, something even more special emerges. The four questions give birth to the best conversations. We learn more about each other lend support when needed and celebrate successes too. The result is deep, abiding relationships that are my most prized treasures.
Adopt this bedtime ritual for yourself. You can process your day alone or with people you love. Debriefing your day will allow you to develop a gratitude practice, definitely a hallmark of happy people. Processing challenges daily in small pieces will keep gunk from piling up and your filter free of debris. Finding lessons and opportunities to show kindness along the way shifts your mindset so you see the glass as half full. I hope you’ll begin to notice all the things you have to be proud of. Who knows…maybe you’ll find yourself engrossed in some great chats and beautiful relationships too. Let me know how it goes!
If you want more ideas and solutions to improve your life, go to www.pleaseaholics.com and get my Free CD, Stop Being So Hard On Yourself! Simple Steps to Becoming Happier and More Produtive. Also available online: The Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System and Marketing & Mindset Money Magnet Home Study System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
In the meantime, I want to help you have sweeter dreams. Over the weekend our son, Jaxon’s, friend stayed the night. I’m a more the merrier kind of person, so of course we included him in our bedtime ritual. When I was sharing excerpts of the great conversation that emerged from our ritual with the friend’s dad, he was intrigued with our nightly practice. We’ve been tucking our kids in bed this way for so long, I don’t really think of it as novel, but his fascination made me want to share it with you.
Since our oldest child, Rachel, was little we’ve wrapped up the day with the same bedtime ritual. The ritual has evolved over time as the kids have grown, but essentially it consists of 4 questions. The questions beckon us to take a moment to reflect on the day. The questions hold a dual purpose. First, they build a habit of gratitude and insightfulness. They also offer an opportunity to keep our inner filter as clean and clear as possible.
The 4 questions that comprise our bedtime ritual are:
1. What was your favorite thing about today?
2. Was there anything you wish was different?
3. What did you learn today?
4. What did you do or notice that was kind or made you proud?
The first question creates a gratitude practice. I wanted our children to grow up aware of all the blessings for which they can be thankful. Even the worst day has a silver lining. Putting attention on the sweet spots builds an attitude of optimism, gratitude and joy.
Question two builds a habit of letting go of irritations, insults, hurt and pain on a daily basis. It’s how we keep our inner filter clear so gunk doesn’t build up over time. Processing life’s disappointments and regret in smaller pieces offloads pain while it’s still manageable and innocuous. This was especially helpful when the kids were young. There are so many bumps and bruises in a child’s day. Knowing they have a safe place to unload those burdens keeps their spirits free and deepens our relationship at the same time. It works for adults too.
We added the third question, “What did you learn today” as the kids grew older. Every day holds a lesson. Especially the hard days. When we find the lesson, we avoid repeating ineffective actions and find solutions more quickly. I want to arm our kids with the ability to learn what the day’s experiences have to teach so they live a rich and deliberate life. Further, I feel it’s important they are raised with a healthy sense of curiosity, wonder and love of learning.
The fourth and final question is designed to keep them alert throughout the day for opportunities to show kindness to others, or notice ways people extend kindness to them. Random acts of kindness create ripple effects of happiness. Setting an expectation that they seek out ways to spread joy builds a charitable mindset, but also reminds them of how fortunate they are. We added the piece about feeling proud because they beamed with pride as they described the acts of kindness they offered or witnessed. Allowing them to recount experiences that made them feel proud builds their self-esteem from the inside out.
Beyond the lesson and habits we’re hoping to build with our bedtime ritual, something even more special emerges. The four questions give birth to the best conversations. We learn more about each other lend support when needed and celebrate successes too. The result is deep, abiding relationships that are my most prized treasures.
Adopt this bedtime ritual for yourself. You can process your day alone or with people you love. Debriefing your day will allow you to develop a gratitude practice, definitely a hallmark of happy people. Processing challenges daily in small pieces will keep gunk from piling up and your filter free of debris. Finding lessons and opportunities to show kindness along the way shifts your mindset so you see the glass as half full. I hope you’ll begin to notice all the things you have to be proud of. Who knows…maybe you’ll find yourself engrossed in some great chats and beautiful relationships too. Let me know how it goes!
If you want more ideas and solutions to improve your life, go to www.pleaseaholics.com and get my Free CD, Stop Being So Hard On Yourself! Simple Steps to Becoming Happier and More Produtive. Also available online: The Better Boundaries, Better Life Coaching programs and Better Boundaries, Better Life Home Study System and Marketing & Mindset Money Magnet Home Study System at www.pleaseaholics.com.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Check Your Filter
How about all this snow! Did you know currently 49 of the 50 states (even Hawaii!) have snow. The widespread cold snap reminded me to clean our furnace filter. The metaphor of this chore lead me to ponder...Is my internal filter effecting my ability to be warm and comfortable?
A couple years years after we bought our first house, we had our furnace serviced. The technician asked me how often we replace or clean out our filter. He was floored when I told her we’d never cleaned out the filter. He gave me a long lecture about how important it is to regularly check and maintain the filter to it stays clean. He educated me about how much harder the furnace has to work when the filter is dirty, and how much more energy it takes to produce warmth when the filter is bogged down with gunk. Not only was this a great lesson in home maintainence, but also a perfect metaphor for life.
We each have an inner filter through which we see and experience the world. The filter creates your perspective on life. It determines your intrepration of other people actions and how you choose to respond. Your filter also creates the expectations you have for what is or is not possible in your life.
Your filter gets dirty when you stay connected to past pain,fear, guilt or ways people have offended you in the past. If you don’t regularly clean out your filter, it becomes clogged with anger, resentment and bitterness. Your filter causes you to assign meaning to situations you encounter. This meaning creates the rules, excuses and reasons you use to rationalize staying stuck hold you back from pursuing what you want most in life. Would it surprise you to learn that you’ve decided what other people’s actions are about. Would you be shocked to learn their behaviors don’t have to mean what believed all along?
More importantly, your filter creates the energy people pick up from you. Have you ever encountered someone who makes you feel better just to be around them? How about someone who just makes you feel drained or creeped out? This is a reflection of their inner filter. What expereince do you want people to have when they’re around you? Is your energy attractive or repellant? If you want to attract more good stuff in your life, clean out your filter.
When your filter as clean as possible, there’s less gunk to which negativity you encounter can get stuck. You’re able to experience irritating or difficult people and situations without being offended or bothered. Instead of getting stuck, their bad energy just passes right through. You can be uneffected by their pessemistic, draining approach or, even rudeness.
Having a clean filter allows you to be proactive rather than reactive; optimistic versus pessimistic; generous over stingy and confident not fearful. As you clear out your filter, your actions will lead people to view you as confident, authentic and uplifting. Elevating your energy level in this way will attract people and opportunities to you that are just what you need to be happy.
What people and experiences would you like to attract? True Friends? Mentors? Pleasant interactions with acquaintances and strangers? Divine Intimate Relationships? Improved co-parenting with your exspouse? Deep, loving parenting/child relationships? Cooperative, supportive friends and family?
To keep your inner filter clean, follow the advice of my furnace repairman:
1. Make a habit of looking at your filter regularly. (He says once a month for the furnace; I say once a day for your inner filter)
2. Clean your filter by letting go of your attachment to other people’s filters. Let it go!
3. When you find yourself getting triggered by something sticking in your filter, notice what the current situation reminds you of. It’s very likely you’re responding to layers of gunk and pain, not just what’s going on right now.
4. Deal with the core of what’s really bothering you and let go of past hurt and pain. Move forward with a clean filter and approach to life.
When you clean out your filter, you’ll find you don’t have to work so hard to function. You’ll be more comfortable, using far less energy. A clean filter makes it so much easier to have warmth in your heart and in your home.
A couple years years after we bought our first house, we had our furnace serviced. The technician asked me how often we replace or clean out our filter. He was floored when I told her we’d never cleaned out the filter. He gave me a long lecture about how important it is to regularly check and maintain the filter to it stays clean. He educated me about how much harder the furnace has to work when the filter is dirty, and how much more energy it takes to produce warmth when the filter is bogged down with gunk. Not only was this a great lesson in home maintainence, but also a perfect metaphor for life.
We each have an inner filter through which we see and experience the world. The filter creates your perspective on life. It determines your intrepration of other people actions and how you choose to respond. Your filter also creates the expectations you have for what is or is not possible in your life.
Your filter gets dirty when you stay connected to past pain,fear, guilt or ways people have offended you in the past. If you don’t regularly clean out your filter, it becomes clogged with anger, resentment and bitterness. Your filter causes you to assign meaning to situations you encounter. This meaning creates the rules, excuses and reasons you use to rationalize staying stuck hold you back from pursuing what you want most in life. Would it surprise you to learn that you’ve decided what other people’s actions are about. Would you be shocked to learn their behaviors don’t have to mean what believed all along?
More importantly, your filter creates the energy people pick up from you. Have you ever encountered someone who makes you feel better just to be around them? How about someone who just makes you feel drained or creeped out? This is a reflection of their inner filter. What expereince do you want people to have when they’re around you? Is your energy attractive or repellant? If you want to attract more good stuff in your life, clean out your filter.
When your filter as clean as possible, there’s less gunk to which negativity you encounter can get stuck. You’re able to experience irritating or difficult people and situations without being offended or bothered. Instead of getting stuck, their bad energy just passes right through. You can be uneffected by their pessemistic, draining approach or, even rudeness.
Having a clean filter allows you to be proactive rather than reactive; optimistic versus pessimistic; generous over stingy and confident not fearful. As you clear out your filter, your actions will lead people to view you as confident, authentic and uplifting. Elevating your energy level in this way will attract people and opportunities to you that are just what you need to be happy.
What people and experiences would you like to attract? True Friends? Mentors? Pleasant interactions with acquaintances and strangers? Divine Intimate Relationships? Improved co-parenting with your exspouse? Deep, loving parenting/child relationships? Cooperative, supportive friends and family?
To keep your inner filter clean, follow the advice of my furnace repairman:
1. Make a habit of looking at your filter regularly. (He says once a month for the furnace; I say once a day for your inner filter)
2. Clean your filter by letting go of your attachment to other people’s filters. Let it go!
3. When you find yourself getting triggered by something sticking in your filter, notice what the current situation reminds you of. It’s very likely you’re responding to layers of gunk and pain, not just what’s going on right now.
4. Deal with the core of what’s really bothering you and let go of past hurt and pain. Move forward with a clean filter and approach to life.
When you clean out your filter, you’ll find you don’t have to work so hard to function. You’ll be more comfortable, using far less energy. A clean filter makes it so much easier to have warmth in your heart and in your home.
Your Big 3
Your Big 3
“Action expresses priorities.”-Mahatma Gandhi
With the fast pace of life, it’s easy to get distracted. However, there are only a limited number of things that actually matter. The rest is background noise that has the potential to pull you off track. Before you know it you end up in a situation that doesn’t match your core values or sucks your energy. Don’t get bogged down in the little distractions or mundane irritations. I want you to have a screening process in place to help keep you focused AND on track with your priorities and true self.
Back when I was a full blown Pleaseaholic, I found myself trying to keep everyone happy by spending time and energy on stuff that not only wasn’t important to me, but kept me from giving my best to the people and causes that were dearest to my heart. To help keep me living intentionally and deliberately in the direction of my ideal life, I created a system I want to share with you called “The Big 3.” This tool guides you when tempted to choose thoughts or actions that are incongruent with your heart’s deepest desires.
“The Big 3” are your top three priorities in life. By determining your top 3 priorities ahead of time it’ll be easier to avoid caving to pressure, melting in the heat of the moment or being swayed by guilt. Having already decided, you’ll be able to make an authentic choice that naturally supports your most valued relationships, satisfaction and joy.
Everyone’s list is different. You get to decide what “The Big 3” are for you. Mine are:
• Relationships (Me, kids, husband, friends, extended family, kindness to strangers)
• Learning/Growth/Knowledge
• Authentic Financial Abundance/Money
You’ll note “ME” is the first relationship I tend to. My relationship with myself determines the quality of all my other relationships. If I’m down, emotionally depleted or stressed, I’m not going to have my best to offer to the people I love who depend on me. Making yourself your top priority isn’t selfish…it’s selfish to withhold the best of your self from others because you’re unwilling to be kind to and care for yourself.
The distinction between selfish or self-absorbed behavior and self-care is selfishness only benefits you. On the other hand, self-care and kindness allow you to replenish your inner reserves so you have what you need to be of service in the ways that feel most meaningful to you. For example, if you go get a pedicure because you want people at the beach to think you’re cool or rich because your toes are pretty, that’s probably self-absorbed. If you go get a pedicure because the mental break and relaxation allows you to recharge your batteries, so you can help care for your children, growing business AND aging parents, that’s self-care. (Plus, it’s ok if just lifts your spirits to look your best.) Do you see the difference?
When I need to make a decision about how to allocate my time, energy and resources, I consult my Big 3 and make the choice that is most in harmony with these core values.
You can customize and tailor your “Big 3” according to your values and personality. For example, relationships have probably been my top priority my whole life, but since I’m a recovering Pleaseaholic, I could easily get in trouble if I just left “Relationships” as a broad term. Because in the past I was trying to please everyone all the time, I would have felt compelled to tend to relationships almost equally. A good relationship with my mailman was as important as the quality of my relationship with my mom.
If I weren’t specific, I could easily get pulled off track. Really taking time to ponder what relationships TRULY matter helped me break out of my old patterns of seeking approval from everyone. I set better boundaries and put my attention on the relationships that matter most. (I still make a conscious choice to extend kindness to strangers&hell ip;for me it’s an offering of gratitude. I hope to create a ripple effect. Pay it forward and all that stuff.
Do your actions match Your BIG 3? For example, I know tons of people who would list their children’s happiness and well being as their #1 priority. However, their actions demonstrate a clean house, their career or perfect image is higher priorities. This isn’t a judgment, but rather me holding you accountable to honestly assess the congruence of your words and actions. (You know what they say, speaks louder…) Of course I believe in balance between a thriving career, a healthy family and polished appearance too. However, look at what the net effect of your actions communicates. Either change your “Big 3” to match your actual actions, or consider you may need to change your actions.
What we put our attention on and keep track of grows. “The Big 3” helps maintain balance and deliberate living so your results are in line with your passions and priorities. That’s lots more satisfying and enjoyable!
YOUR ASSIGNMENT: Craft your Big 3! It’s easy to get distracted or slip into old habits. Having a screening process in place will help keep you focused AND keep your life on track with your priorities and true self. When you feel unsure about what to do, consult and act in accordance with your Big 3.
“Action expresses priorities.”-Mahatma Gandhi
With the fast pace of life, it’s easy to get distracted. However, there are only a limited number of things that actually matter. The rest is background noise that has the potential to pull you off track. Before you know it you end up in a situation that doesn’t match your core values or sucks your energy. Don’t get bogged down in the little distractions or mundane irritations. I want you to have a screening process in place to help keep you focused AND on track with your priorities and true self.
Back when I was a full blown Pleaseaholic, I found myself trying to keep everyone happy by spending time and energy on stuff that not only wasn’t important to me, but kept me from giving my best to the people and causes that were dearest to my heart. To help keep me living intentionally and deliberately in the direction of my ideal life, I created a system I want to share with you called “The Big 3.” This tool guides you when tempted to choose thoughts or actions that are incongruent with your heart’s deepest desires.
“The Big 3” are your top three priorities in life. By determining your top 3 priorities ahead of time it’ll be easier to avoid caving to pressure, melting in the heat of the moment or being swayed by guilt. Having already decided, you’ll be able to make an authentic choice that naturally supports your most valued relationships, satisfaction and joy.
Everyone’s list is different. You get to decide what “The Big 3” are for you. Mine are:
• Relationships (Me, kids, husband, friends, extended family, kindness to strangers)
• Learning/Growth/Knowledge
• Authentic Financial Abundance/Money
You’ll note “ME” is the first relationship I tend to. My relationship with myself determines the quality of all my other relationships. If I’m down, emotionally depleted or stressed, I’m not going to have my best to offer to the people I love who depend on me. Making yourself your top priority isn’t selfish…it’s selfish to withhold the best of your self from others because you’re unwilling to be kind to and care for yourself.
The distinction between selfish or self-absorbed behavior and self-care is selfishness only benefits you. On the other hand, self-care and kindness allow you to replenish your inner reserves so you have what you need to be of service in the ways that feel most meaningful to you. For example, if you go get a pedicure because you want people at the beach to think you’re cool or rich because your toes are pretty, that’s probably self-absorbed. If you go get a pedicure because the mental break and relaxation allows you to recharge your batteries, so you can help care for your children, growing business AND aging parents, that’s self-care. (Plus, it’s ok if just lifts your spirits to look your best.) Do you see the difference?
When I need to make a decision about how to allocate my time, energy and resources, I consult my Big 3 and make the choice that is most in harmony with these core values.
You can customize and tailor your “Big 3” according to your values and personality. For example, relationships have probably been my top priority my whole life, but since I’m a recovering Pleaseaholic, I could easily get in trouble if I just left “Relationships” as a broad term. Because in the past I was trying to please everyone all the time, I would have felt compelled to tend to relationships almost equally. A good relationship with my mailman was as important as the quality of my relationship with my mom.
If I weren’t specific, I could easily get pulled off track. Really taking time to ponder what relationships TRULY matter helped me break out of my old patterns of seeking approval from everyone. I set better boundaries and put my attention on the relationships that matter most. (I still make a conscious choice to extend kindness to strangers&hell ip;for me it’s an offering of gratitude. I hope to create a ripple effect. Pay it forward and all that stuff.
Do your actions match Your BIG 3? For example, I know tons of people who would list their children’s happiness and well being as their #1 priority. However, their actions demonstrate a clean house, their career or perfect image is higher priorities. This isn’t a judgment, but rather me holding you accountable to honestly assess the congruence of your words and actions. (You know what they say, speaks louder…) Of course I believe in balance between a thriving career, a healthy family and polished appearance too. However, look at what the net effect of your actions communicates. Either change your “Big 3” to match your actual actions, or consider you may need to change your actions.
What we put our attention on and keep track of grows. “The Big 3” helps maintain balance and deliberate living so your results are in line with your passions and priorities. That’s lots more satisfying and enjoyable!
YOUR ASSIGNMENT: Craft your Big 3! It’s easy to get distracted or slip into old habits. Having a screening process in place will help keep you focused AND keep your life on track with your priorities and true self. When you feel unsure about what to do, consult and act in accordance with your Big 3.
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