Understanding how and why you became a Pleaseaholic will help you move forward. We covered the Pleaseaholic Formula in broad strokes before.
THE PLEASEAHOLIC FORMULA:
GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss=Pleaseaholic
Now let's explore the perfect storm that converges to create a Pleaseaholic by breaking down the formula into its component parts. First, let’s look at the first element…Good Heart.
GH = GOOD HEART
When you really think about it People Pleasing is such a wonderfully generous, kind-hearted reaction. It's actually cooperation on steroids. You could have chosen any number of ways to solve your problems along the way, and you picked extreme cooperation and generousity. That says a lot about the core of who you are and the intrinsic kindness that exists in your heart.
Remind yourself of your good heart when you find yourself People Pleasing. Empathize with the little fearful child inside of you that's only seeking safety, security and shelter. Consider the love and nurturing he or she needs so much more than another round of criticism.
When you struggle to say no and set boundaries, the adult version of yourself isn’t in charge. A scared, wounded child has hijacked the situation. If you encountered a frightened, lost child in the mall, would you criticize and yell at her, or offer comfort, support and reassurance? Extend yourself the same compassion and kindness. You deserve it just as much as that sweet little one.
Use your good heart to be kind, compassionate and loving to yourself.
Give yourself credit for being such a good person. Refuse to listen as your inner tape entices you to discount your actions because sometimes you made the choise to please others out of fear. That DOES NOT make you weak. It takes much greater strength to be flexible and generous than brash and aggressive. By your very nature you operate from a loving, kind, generous place. Remember…of all the options you had to manage your life, you chose cooperation on steroids.
Stop for a second and really soak that up. Say outloud: “At my core I am a wonderful, generous person.” (Yes, you must actually say it outloud. There’s something powerful connected to speaking the words.)
Act First: Write this statement on Post-Its and note cards and place them around your home, car, wallet, office…any where you spend time so you are surrounded by reminders of your good heart. Repeat the statement out loud whenever it comes into view.
“We do what we know how to do. When we know better we do better.”
Dr. Maya Angelou
You did what you knew how to do when you were young to try to make sense of and feel safe in your surroundings. It’s no coincidence you’re reading this right now. You’ve sensed now is the time to learn something better so you can do something better. Every experience you’ve had on your journey so far and brought you to this moment.
This is your time! Begin your best life today!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
The 85% Rule
The 85% Rule
The 85% Rule is ideal when you’re stuck due to irritation or anger with someone else's behavior.
The 85% Rule is:
85% of other people’s behavior is about them. It has nothing to do with you. Your inner filter determines the other 15%.
If another person is mean, rude or disrespectful, it’s because THEY are mean, rude or disrespectful. It has nothing to do with you. This is when your internal filter comes into play. You may believe others target you specifically or you deserve that level of treatment. Your filter determines your interpretation of other people’s actions and whether or not you choose to get attached to or sucked in by drama.
Your filter also colors how you choose to react and respond. Sometimes we get a great deal of satisfaction by sharing our tales of woe of how someone else has offended us. We wear the badge of “victim” with pride, as a sign and signal of how wounded we are. (This is a perfect excuse to rationalize and avoid responsibility for why things aren’t working in your life by the way. Avoid this trap!) How much time do you want to spend letting mean, rude, disrespectful people run your life or determine your mood? Let it go. Their behavior reflects on them. Your behavior reflects on you. Reflect your best by choosing to operate from a place of peace and strength.
“The big thing is not what happens to us in life - but what we do about what happens to us." - George Allen
Complaining about or paying attention to the ways others have offended you indicates that, on some level, you’re in the habit of being treated in this manner. You may even believe you deserve it. If your filter is set up to respond to acts of “disrespect” you’re going to be triggered by them. For example, my client “Chris” grew up as a scapegoat. He was blamed for every wrong doing in his family. As a result, he learned to interpret other people’s comments as criticism. This started out as a way to protect himself, but over time this became a habit of fear-based mindset and behaviors. He responded defensively and often over reacted to someone’s neutral comment, perpetuating the cycle of rejection.
As we worked to clear his anger, grief and guilt about the mistreatment he experienced throughout his life, he was able to lower his internal threat level. Merely understanding that his reactions were triggered by damage from his past, gave Chris a greater sense of control. Cleaning up his filter and lowering his inner threat level allowed Chris to detach emotionally from other people’s behaviors. He began to experience less stress because he no longer automatically assigned a negative connotation to other people’s action and comments. Chris did not perceive as much judgment from others. Reducing defensiveness gave him the opportunity to respond deliberately, therefore more effectively. People enjoyed his company more and he found less conflict. Not only was he more at peace, but found strength in his ability to guide the course of his interactions to get the results he desired.
Follow these steps when you find a person or situation upsetting:
1. Remember 85% of their behavior is about them only.
You are not to blame. You are not responsible for their actions. You cannot control their choices and actions. Let it go!
2. Ask yourself: What does the present situation remind you of?
What experiences from your past entice you to respond defensively? If you find yourself attracting disrespectful people, it’s because your underlying energies match. They’re looking to irritate someone and, on some level, you’re looking to be irritated. The person you’re triggered by may be in your life to help you learn how to let go of trivial stuff (even when your inner tape is working to convince you it’s crucial to win.)
This irritating person may be just the lesson you need to practice putting your full attention on living your best life. Or maybe that person wants to sabotage your growth. Either way you loose when you choose to let them set the tone. Your inner tape determines which behaviors bug you versus other stuff that rolls off your back. As this tape plays in your head, it creates your interpretation of any event. You assign meaning to your experiences. Record a new tape to clean the gunk out of your filter so fewer things stick to it.
If you find yourself irritated or offended by someone, interrupt the inner tape that is attempting to suck you into drama. Remind yourself other peoples’ behavior doesn’t have to mean what you’ve thought it meant in the past. Recall the 85% Rule. Disconnect from this low-value energy activity and refuse to be pulled down in the muck. Their behavior is not about you. LET IT GO!
Use the 85% Rule to see their bad behavior for what it is: a reflection on them, not you. The changes you’ll see from making this shift will blow your mind!!!
The 85% Rule is ideal when you’re stuck due to irritation or anger with someone else's behavior.
The 85% Rule is:
85% of other people’s behavior is about them. It has nothing to do with you. Your inner filter determines the other 15%.
If another person is mean, rude or disrespectful, it’s because THEY are mean, rude or disrespectful. It has nothing to do with you. This is when your internal filter comes into play. You may believe others target you specifically or you deserve that level of treatment. Your filter determines your interpretation of other people’s actions and whether or not you choose to get attached to or sucked in by drama.
Your filter also colors how you choose to react and respond. Sometimes we get a great deal of satisfaction by sharing our tales of woe of how someone else has offended us. We wear the badge of “victim” with pride, as a sign and signal of how wounded we are. (This is a perfect excuse to rationalize and avoid responsibility for why things aren’t working in your life by the way. Avoid this trap!) How much time do you want to spend letting mean, rude, disrespectful people run your life or determine your mood? Let it go. Their behavior reflects on them. Your behavior reflects on you. Reflect your best by choosing to operate from a place of peace and strength.
“The big thing is not what happens to us in life - but what we do about what happens to us." - George Allen
Complaining about or paying attention to the ways others have offended you indicates that, on some level, you’re in the habit of being treated in this manner. You may even believe you deserve it. If your filter is set up to respond to acts of “disrespect” you’re going to be triggered by them. For example, my client “Chris” grew up as a scapegoat. He was blamed for every wrong doing in his family. As a result, he learned to interpret other people’s comments as criticism. This started out as a way to protect himself, but over time this became a habit of fear-based mindset and behaviors. He responded defensively and often over reacted to someone’s neutral comment, perpetuating the cycle of rejection.
As we worked to clear his anger, grief and guilt about the mistreatment he experienced throughout his life, he was able to lower his internal threat level. Merely understanding that his reactions were triggered by damage from his past, gave Chris a greater sense of control. Cleaning up his filter and lowering his inner threat level allowed Chris to detach emotionally from other people’s behaviors. He began to experience less stress because he no longer automatically assigned a negative connotation to other people’s action and comments. Chris did not perceive as much judgment from others. Reducing defensiveness gave him the opportunity to respond deliberately, therefore more effectively. People enjoyed his company more and he found less conflict. Not only was he more at peace, but found strength in his ability to guide the course of his interactions to get the results he desired.
Follow these steps when you find a person or situation upsetting:
1. Remember 85% of their behavior is about them only.
You are not to blame. You are not responsible for their actions. You cannot control their choices and actions. Let it go!
2. Ask yourself: What does the present situation remind you of?
What experiences from your past entice you to respond defensively? If you find yourself attracting disrespectful people, it’s because your underlying energies match. They’re looking to irritate someone and, on some level, you’re looking to be irritated. The person you’re triggered by may be in your life to help you learn how to let go of trivial stuff (even when your inner tape is working to convince you it’s crucial to win.)
This irritating person may be just the lesson you need to practice putting your full attention on living your best life. Or maybe that person wants to sabotage your growth. Either way you loose when you choose to let them set the tone. Your inner tape determines which behaviors bug you versus other stuff that rolls off your back. As this tape plays in your head, it creates your interpretation of any event. You assign meaning to your experiences. Record a new tape to clean the gunk out of your filter so fewer things stick to it.
If you find yourself irritated or offended by someone, interrupt the inner tape that is attempting to suck you into drama. Remind yourself other peoples’ behavior doesn’t have to mean what you’ve thought it meant in the past. Recall the 85% Rule. Disconnect from this low-value energy activity and refuse to be pulled down in the muck. Their behavior is not about you. LET IT GO!
Use the 85% Rule to see their bad behavior for what it is: a reflection on them, not you. The changes you’ll see from making this shift will blow your mind!!!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The People Pleaser Formula
THE PLEASEAHOLIC FORMULA: GH + KL + MB = PH Understanding how and why you became a Pleaseaholic will help you move forward. This month we’ll explore the perfect storm that converges to create a Pleaseaholic. Understanding this formula will open your eyes to what’s going on, so you can move forward. Today, let’s look at all the components it takes to grow a Pleaseaholic. Then each week of April we’ll dig deeper into each of the pieces of this puzzle to give you a clearer picture of what keeps you stuck. That way you can begin let it go and move forward more quickly. Here’s the Pleaseaholic Formula: GH + KL + MB = PH: Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss=Pleaseaholic
The Pleaseaholic Formula explains WHY we’re driven to People Pleasing. I want to be really clear about why we’re spending any time looking at the “Why.” Answering this question is ONLY important for one reason: I want you to have a better understanding of what enticed you into People Pleasing in the first place. That will make it easier to let yourself off the hook, rather than beat yourself up, when you end of being spread so thin. By understanding why you’ve chosen the path you’re on, you’ll be more able to forgive yourself (and others) and extend yourself kindness, compassion and empathy as you move forward. That way you can side step land mines rather than repeat old patterns. This will NOT be an exercise in blaming others or making excuses. If you’re waiting for whoever launched you onto your Pleaseaholic path to change or apologize so your life can improve, you’re going to waiting a very, very long time. No one deserves to have that kind of power over your life any more. I want you to choose your life deliberately rather than just floating along wherever the current takes you. It would be a disservice to allow or encourage you to make excuses. Blaming others keeps you from all the good stuff that’s available once you shift your mindset.
The Pleaseaholic Formula describes the perfect combination of factors needed to produce a Pleaseaholic. AKA why you’re a Pleaseaholic. The short answer to why you’re a People Pleaser is this: People Pleasing was the best solution you could come up with so far to manage your world. When we encounter a challenge or feel afraid the human brain seeks to solve the problem. Behaviors you use over and over exist because somehow these habits have worked well enough so far. You also stay stuck if you don’t know a better way exists or think taking a different path would be too difficult. There’s always a good reason you’ve chosen the behaviors, thoughts and feelings you’re employing currently…because they’ve worked well enough in the past to survive.
Now it’s time to THRIVE!
People Pleasing costs time, money and joy or causes stress and dysfunction. You’ve decided these consequences are either tolerable or preferable compared to what you fear would happen if you tried something different. You sacrifice your true self and morph into who and what others want you to be.
Even though this is an exorbitant price to pay, Pleaseaholics have been trained long ago that it is better to keep people happy than risk upsetting the apple cart. The fear of what might happen if people around you are upset, trumps the pain of contorting yourself to comply with the needs of others.
The most important thing to remember is you had an infinite number of choices for how to manage the stressors of your life and you chose cooperation on steroids. That says a lots about the wonderful person you are at your core. If that inner critic starts to chirp at you, remember the kindness that fuels your good heart. It takes strength to be as flexible and accommodating as you’ve been. With such a good heart and amazing strength, you can achieve anything!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Can you believe THIS makes people happy?
Why Aren't I Happy Yet? So many people in our society find themselves struggling to be happy. This article answers the question “Why aren’t I happy yet?” The purpose of asking why isn’t to blame or stay stuck. Rather, understanding why will help you be more compassionate with yourself so you can move forward. Plus you'll learn the simple act that shared by happy people. I couldn't believe what it was, so I want to share their secret with you too! First, we have to understand happiness is a fairly modern phenomenon to seek happiness. Through most of history people have been scraping by just to meet basic needs and didn’t really have time to consider happiness. Especially in a relatively affluent society like ours, so many of our basic needs are taken care of that we have the mental space to pay attention to what’s next. That’s why we become disenchanted with material success and can feel hollow if we don’t have meaningful connections in our life. Often the people that suffer the most in silence are people who appear to have it all and have it all together by society’s standards, but inside they feel unfulfilled, empty, or fear people will find out they’re not actually good enough. If you’re one of these people, you probably feel super guilty that you’re not more satisfied. You probably say: “I should quit complaining. I have so much to be grateful for. I should just stop whining. So many people have it worse than me. I should be happy. What’s wrong with me?” Even worse, if you talk with other people about how you feel unfulfilled or sad, you’re likely to be met with a pretty unsympathetic response. Other people may say, “I wish that was my biggest problem. How hard can it be? You have it all. It must be nice.” This just reinforces your sense of isolation and guilt. Successful yet secretly sad people hide in plain sight. Are you one of these unhappy people hiding behind success and bling who’s actually a shell – hollow and lonely? Are you frightened that people might find out your secret…that you don’t think you’re as great as everyone thinks you are? If so, it’s no coincidence you’re reading this article today. You’re in the right place at the right time. I can help. What makes happiness so illusive, even when it seems like you’re doing everything right? I bet you’ll see yourself somewhere on this list. 1. Are you a Perfectionist? Being so hard on yourself makes it difficult to see what’s actually going well. Force yourself to come up with 1 thing you’re good at. 2. Do you get snared in the “I’ll be happy when…” trap? I’ll be happy when… I get a good jobHave my dream car or houseLoose 10 (or 50!) poundsGet marriedHave a babyETC… What beauty exists in your life now? Look at the mountains or other beauties in nature. Notice a child laughing. What do you have to be happy about right now? 3. Are you pursuing goals, standards for success and achievements that are other people’s expectations for you rather than what truly reflects who you are and what’s important for you? What do you really want? What are you doing when time just flies by? 4. Do you equate value with external stuff?I am my house, job, clothes, car, money, body image, and your children’s successYou have value just because you’re breathing. Your value is in being not doing, earning or achieving. 5. Are you disconnected form your purpose, calling or passion? It’s easy to busy yourself filling your life with what you think you “should” be doing, so you no longer spend time on what truly fills you up inside. What are you passionate about? (If not sure – guess. I bet your guess is right on.) What are you doing when you find time just flies by blissfully? Spend 1 minute a day pursuing your passion. Take a small step today! 6. Have you experienced grief and loss? Very often sadness is the result of losing someone or something important. Perhaps you cling to the pain because you fear you won’t be able to get it back together. Or you believe the pain is the only thing that keeps you connected to what or who you’ve lost. Actually your grief is a signal of how well you loved. You’re perfectly right to crave happiness and miss it when it’s not there. Rather than judge yourself, see this longing for happiness as a wake up call to what’s possible. This is the Universe begging you to realize your capacity to serve and achieve. Life is nudging you to remember what you’re put on this earth to do…to rekindle your purpose and passion for life. If your sadness is related to a loss, your search for happiness is a calling to honor the memory of who or what you’ve lost by adding more meaningful interactions to your life. What message is the Universe trying to send you? This is your wake up call. Reach out for my hand…I will help you get from the sad, heavy, frustrated to happy, successful and peaceful. In the meantime, begin the secret habit that’s shared by happy people. It’s so simple you might not believe it! Happy people make their bed! If you’re not happy yet, act first as happy people do and expect the feelings will follow. Put this practice into place as an invitation to create more happiness in your life. Happy bed making!
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