Honor Your No's

Honor Your No's

“Saying No is the first way a child asserts himself or herself as an individual. It’s the first way a child feels powerful.”-Judy Ford from Wonderful Ways to Love a Child

If you grew up receiving messages that saying No was not allowed or safe, your sense of individuality and power was taken. It’s no wonder it sometimes feels so scary to say no and set boundaries!

What’s your history with no? Were your No’s honored? Think back. How did you learn the rules about saying no?

Consider the following questions. Reflect on the ones that relate to the experiences that influenced your comfort with saying no.

• When you were growing up, what examples did you see when it came to saying no?
• What were your experiences surrounding setting boundaries with people of the opposite sex?
• Were your role models listened to and respected when they set boundaries?
• Were there spoken or unspoken rules in your home growing up about allowing children to say no?
• Were you raised to speak your mind or keep your opinions to yourself?
• Were you told to speak your mind and then punished or ignored when you did?
• Were you given the latitude to make your own decisions, without guilt trips?
• What was your experience with you adolescent peer group? Did you feel you had to go along with the group against your better judgment to be accepted?
• When you spoke your mind, or said no as a kid, what happened?
• Were you labeled “too emotional” or “high strung” when you expressed your feelings?
• Did you grow up in a no-conflict home where everyone is expected to “go along to get along?”
• Growing up, was your value and/or role in your family based on protecting or caring for others or making people happy?
• Do you feel like a priority or an after thought?
• Were you compelled to take on a parental role as a child or referee your parent’s relationship?
• Were you a victim of abuse–emotional, mental, sexual or physical?
• Did you have to chase approval and love from one or both of your parents?
• Was it tense or unsafe in your home, like everyone had to walk on eggshells to avoid a volatile family member?
• Did guilt or fear of disappointing people determine your choices growing up?

The answers to some of these questions may require you to recall unpleasant or painful memories. I know it can be hard. Take a deep breath. You may have pushed some of these experiences to the back of your mind for years, or never talked about them at all. When the pain bubbles up, it’ll feel natural to shove it back down. Do something different this time. Unburden yourself from the load you’re carrying.

• Your feelings are valid. Allow them without judgment.
• Extend yourself patience, compassion and kindness.
• Grieve
• Empathize with the little child who didn’t get what he or she needed from the people that were supposed to take care.
• Get support from people who love you, or a trusted advisor.

Can you see how old messages and tapes in your head have contributed to difficulties you experience when setting boundaries in general and saying no specifically? Give yourself credit. You’ve been working really hard for a long time. Begin to let go of the old rules and beliefs that have been holding you back from stepping into the fullness of your potential.

You’ve been so strong and brave, even though the pain may make you feel weaker. I’m so proud of you. You clearly have what it takes to survive, even thrive. What strengths do you possess that have made that possible?

You can be so proud of yourself! Your No’s deserve to be heard and honored. Begin honoring your No’s today!