How To Say No To Your Kids & Stick With It

Three quick tips you can use TODAY to say no to your kids AND STICK TO IT!

Usually saying no and sticking to it is related to your belief in your own authority. But let’s not get bogged down in too much big picture stuff right off the bat. Building confidence and stepping into your power is a process, but here’s a secret...it’s actually easier to feel confident and comfortable with your authority if you just put a couple tips into practice. I’ll bet the feelings will follow. That way we’ll kill two birds with one stone—you’ll have some great techniques to implement right away AND you’ll be on your way to standing strong in your own skin.

Tip #1: Use the power of “No” sparingly
When kids hear “no” all the time, it begins to loose its effectiveness. They can become frustrated because they feel you’re not taking their requests and needs to heart. Therefore, the relationship takes on an adversarial versus cooperative tone. Also, frequent “no’s” make kids think it actually means “maybe” or see it as a signal to begin bargaining, rather than taking your no seriously. Kids can’t help but learn this when their barrage of negotiation tactics are met with repeated (and some times increasingly loud) no’s until ultimately you given in. “No” becomes diluted, as does their respect for you.
Instead of leaping to “No” then changing your mind, simply say “Maybe” or “I need a minute to think about that.” I know it sounds simple, but it can be easy to spit out “no” out of habit, frustration or distraction. Once you’ve said no, stick with it. But, you don’t need to repeat yourself over and over. Instead simply ask them, “What was my answer?” and let them fill in their own no.

Tip #2: Say “No” Without Saying “No”
OK—so I know you’re thinking, “If I can’t say no, how can I set limits?” There are many good ways to say no without using the work no. When your child asks permission to go play video games, for example, you could answer “No, you need to do your chores first.” Instead reply, “Yes, as soon as you get your chores done.” Starting your answer with a “yes” given the illusion of permission whil still setting standards, limits and expectataions. Kids are less likely to contest an answer that starts with yes. (But they still will—we’ll take a look at that in a second.)
Again the tone and quality of the relationship and conversation improves when yes, vs. no, is the foundation of your dialogue. When kids have the feeling your looking to say yes, not no, they’ll instinctively want to work with you vs. against you.

Special Circumstances—Toddlers
Saying no to toddler without saying no can be phrased in exactly the same way with equally good results. However, an added secret is a little trick I used to set boundaries for toddlers, especially concerning a safely hazard. I learned this from a dog obedience book (don’t judge me until you’ve heard how good this idea is.) :) Anyway, here’s the secret: Don’t discipline the child. Discipline the object you want them to stay away from. For example, our son used to love touching the fireplace when he was little. Of course we didn’t want him touching it even if it wasn’t lit. Telling him “no” and moving him away repeatedly didn’t work. We didn’t want to resorting to yelling, smacking his hand or spanking, so we yelled at the fireplace. (I know it sounds crazy, but it does really work!)

When your child goes near the thing you don’t want him to have access to without your permission, you must completely ignore them. (But make sure they see you yell at the object.) Do not even make eye contact as you walk to the forbidden object. Then, putting your full attention on the object, smack it with your hand repeatedly and shout, “Bad Fireplace! (or whatever the object is) Bad, Bad, Bad Fireplace! No, no, no, no, no!” Then walk away. Your child will not want to go near the thing that receives so much of your negativity and disapproval. AND how great that those tender, innocent little ones won’t come to think that THEY are the object you’re your anger and disapproval.

Tip #3: Broken Record
Even with your best “yes–based” answers, kids will still test your boundaries. Once you’ve given your “Yes, you can ...as soon as you…”all you have to do is play it back like a broken record in response to their attempts at negotiation. Keep a firm matter of fact tone and replay over and over until they relent.“But Kate doesn’t have to”“Yes, You can ...as soon as you…”“That’s not fair!”“Yes, You can...as soon as you…”

Usually kids will tire of negotiation when they find it’s no longer effective in manipulating the situation and only postpones the inevitable—them following directions so they can get whatever privlidge they’re after. However, it’s my personal policy to NEVER repeat myself more than three times. If I have to repeat my answer more than that, my next response is to firmly state, “You have my answer. If you ask me again the answer will be NO.” ONLY do this if you KNOW you’re going to follow through! Consistency is the name of the game here.

Here’s your assignment: Use the “Yes, You can...as soon as you…” format rather than “No” to answer at least two questions today. Follow it with Broken Record if necessary.