I vs. You
This month we’ve been breaking down the Pleaseaholic Formula. We’ve discussed how your Good Heart, Kid Logic and Mob Boss conspire to please others rather than be true to who you really are. To wrap up this topic I want to share a great tip to help you declutter your thoughts so you can hear your true voice.
This is the ONE thing you need to know in order to tell whether the voice that plays in your head is your true voice or not. This unbelievably simple tool is all you need to once and for all separate what you really think from the habits, beliefs and thoughts you’ve been programmed to have. I want you to have the secret to deciphering the endless stream of jabber that runs through your head all day. Often we become so accustomed to a certain way of thinking, it becomes difficult to wade through the junk to figure out what is you TRULY vs. what is your programming or inner critic.
Here’s the decoder ring… it’s super simple!! LISTEN FOR THE PRONOUNS! When you hear your inner voice use “You” that’s your inner critic, old beliefs or garbage that was programmed into your head in the past. When you hear “I” that is your true voice.
As you pay attention you’ll notice that limiting beliefs and inner criticisms almost always come attached with “YOU” On the other hand your true voice uses “I” to communicate with you.
Compare: “You can’t do that – You’re not smart enough” Vs. “I would love to go back to school” “You’ll never be able to make it on your own.” Vs. “I really need to do something about my marriage.”“You’re such a bad mother.” Vs. “I wish I wasn’t so hard on my kids.”
A statement on your inner taps that contains “You” or is negative is a con. It keeps you stuck on old patterns. “I” based thoughts may still reveal a change you need to make but are more constructive and forward focused.
A con only works if the mark doesn’t know what’s coming. Don’t fall for the con any more. I notice with my clients that often just noticing the pronouns starts to silence that inner critic. It’s like once the critic knows you’re aware of the con it stops trying to trip you up with it.
Start today! Use this tool to notice which pronouns you hear in your inner tape. I bet at least once today you’ll foil the con man and take back a sliver of your life. Now you know how to peel away the garbage and find your true voice! Pretty simple huh?
Showing posts with label inner tape. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inner tape. Show all posts
Friday, May 27, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Your inner tape - Bodyguard or Mob Boss?
The Third Element: Mob Boss
This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PHGood Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
So far we’ve talked about the first two pieces - Good Heart and Kid Logic. This week we’ll dig into the role of the MOB BOSS. Did you know you have an inner mafia? Well it’s true! Here’s why.We are all born with an ego that’s programmed to look out for our survival. Your ego’s main function is to manage automatic responses meant to keep you safe. It assesses threats to your physical and emotional health. To make your environment safe and predictable, your ego automatically sends up flares to help you avoid things that could bring you pain. It’s there to protect you, kind of like a bodyguard.
When your Bodyguard senses something or someone similar to a threat that caused you pain in the past, it zaps you to preserve your well being. These signals come in the form of fear, anxiety, guilt and vigilance. This triggers Kid Logic (Pleaseaholic Formula element #2) to start searching for solutions. Kid Logic connects approval with survival. If your past experiences with authority figures left you feeling the best way to earn their love, acceptance or approval is to comply, you can easily slip into people pleasing.
Ironically even though the Bodyguard is supposed to prevent pain, it only speaks the language of fear; a kind of pain in and of itself. When the Bodyguard is trying to get your attention it’ll send fear to prevent you from approaching touchy or dangerous situations. Your bodyguard advises you to adopt cooperation on steroids to avoid pain. While effective at first, these strategies end up being super dysfunctional over time. Imagine the ping pong ball effect this has. You experience something unpleasant so your Bodyguard adds that to the list of things to fear. This leaves you bouncing between things that are actually unpleasant and on alert fearing things that MIGHT be unpleasant. It’s a pretty lose-lose situation. No wonder you’re so exhausted!
The ego’s other job it to keep itself alive. Even as you begin to consider changes in your life that make the Bodyguard less necessary (for example, saying no and setting better boundaries), it will fight you. The ego wants to preserve itself so it can continue to serve as your bodyguard, protecting you from things that might make you uncomfortable, scared or vulnerable. The problem is it doesn’t realize you’re no longer a kid. You don’t need a Bodyguard to be safe any more.
BODY GUARD TURNED MOB BOSS
Over time this bodyguard morphs into a mob boss. Just as the Godfather offers unsolicited favors, then comes calling for “pay back” from unsuspecting victims, your ego starts out as a benevolent bodyguard, working to keep you safe. Then it unsuspectingly places you in a trap of fears, doubts, sadness, anxiety or guilt. Your Mob Boss makes it feel difficult, or even life threatening, to consider change or stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s the emotional equivalent of a horse head in your bed. The bodyguard convinces you that you “owe it” for providing protection in the past. You feel captive and beholden to it. Without knowing why, a voice in your head tells you to fear change. The Mob Boss is the source of guilt, fear, unworthiness, depression, anxiety or doubt you encounter that keep you stuck.
It can feel literally life threatening to step out of old roles and patterns connected to People Pleasing. Your Bodyguard has convinced you that to be safe, worthy and valuable you must make those around you happy, even at your own expense. You “pay” the mob boss in the form of staying stuck, struggling to say no, questioning your own thoughts, wishes and worthiness, tolerating dysfunctional relationships and battling a relentless inner critic. What was originally set up to help you safely navigate your world has turned into a prison. The mob boss will tend to show up in consistent ways over your life. As you make strides to separate from old patterns, you’ll feel a renewed sense of freedom and satisfaction. Then a challenging situation will erupt, and your Mob Boss will tempt you to return to the comforts of old coping strategies.
Just like the mob, just when you think you’re out, your ego pulls you back in. However, like most bullies, when the Mob Boss is confronted it backs down. Gladly the Mob Boss doesn’t require you to forcefully confront it in order to break free. Rather, I’ve seen time and time again that just acknowledging that the critical, fearful voice in your head is the Mob Boss is enough to get you into witness protection. Now that you know it’s just a con, you can choose not to participate.
Act First: When you experience fear, anxiety, doubt or other limiting feelings, remember it’s just the Mob Boss trying to pull a con. Say to yourself: “This isn’t the real me. Go away Mob Boss. I’m safe without a bodyguard.” You might be surprised by what happens!
This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PHGood Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
So far we’ve talked about the first two pieces - Good Heart and Kid Logic. This week we’ll dig into the role of the MOB BOSS. Did you know you have an inner mafia? Well it’s true! Here’s why.We are all born with an ego that’s programmed to look out for our survival. Your ego’s main function is to manage automatic responses meant to keep you safe. It assesses threats to your physical and emotional health. To make your environment safe and predictable, your ego automatically sends up flares to help you avoid things that could bring you pain. It’s there to protect you, kind of like a bodyguard.
When your Bodyguard senses something or someone similar to a threat that caused you pain in the past, it zaps you to preserve your well being. These signals come in the form of fear, anxiety, guilt and vigilance. This triggers Kid Logic (Pleaseaholic Formula element #2) to start searching for solutions. Kid Logic connects approval with survival. If your past experiences with authority figures left you feeling the best way to earn their love, acceptance or approval is to comply, you can easily slip into people pleasing.
Ironically even though the Bodyguard is supposed to prevent pain, it only speaks the language of fear; a kind of pain in and of itself. When the Bodyguard is trying to get your attention it’ll send fear to prevent you from approaching touchy or dangerous situations. Your bodyguard advises you to adopt cooperation on steroids to avoid pain. While effective at first, these strategies end up being super dysfunctional over time. Imagine the ping pong ball effect this has. You experience something unpleasant so your Bodyguard adds that to the list of things to fear. This leaves you bouncing between things that are actually unpleasant and on alert fearing things that MIGHT be unpleasant. It’s a pretty lose-lose situation. No wonder you’re so exhausted!
The ego’s other job it to keep itself alive. Even as you begin to consider changes in your life that make the Bodyguard less necessary (for example, saying no and setting better boundaries), it will fight you. The ego wants to preserve itself so it can continue to serve as your bodyguard, protecting you from things that might make you uncomfortable, scared or vulnerable. The problem is it doesn’t realize you’re no longer a kid. You don’t need a Bodyguard to be safe any more.
BODY GUARD TURNED MOB BOSS
Over time this bodyguard morphs into a mob boss. Just as the Godfather offers unsolicited favors, then comes calling for “pay back” from unsuspecting victims, your ego starts out as a benevolent bodyguard, working to keep you safe. Then it unsuspectingly places you in a trap of fears, doubts, sadness, anxiety or guilt. Your Mob Boss makes it feel difficult, or even life threatening, to consider change or stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s the emotional equivalent of a horse head in your bed. The bodyguard convinces you that you “owe it” for providing protection in the past. You feel captive and beholden to it. Without knowing why, a voice in your head tells you to fear change. The Mob Boss is the source of guilt, fear, unworthiness, depression, anxiety or doubt you encounter that keep you stuck.
It can feel literally life threatening to step out of old roles and patterns connected to People Pleasing. Your Bodyguard has convinced you that to be safe, worthy and valuable you must make those around you happy, even at your own expense. You “pay” the mob boss in the form of staying stuck, struggling to say no, questioning your own thoughts, wishes and worthiness, tolerating dysfunctional relationships and battling a relentless inner critic. What was originally set up to help you safely navigate your world has turned into a prison. The mob boss will tend to show up in consistent ways over your life. As you make strides to separate from old patterns, you’ll feel a renewed sense of freedom and satisfaction. Then a challenging situation will erupt, and your Mob Boss will tempt you to return to the comforts of old coping strategies.
Just like the mob, just when you think you’re out, your ego pulls you back in. However, like most bullies, when the Mob Boss is confronted it backs down. Gladly the Mob Boss doesn’t require you to forcefully confront it in order to break free. Rather, I’ve seen time and time again that just acknowledging that the critical, fearful voice in your head is the Mob Boss is enough to get you into witness protection. Now that you know it’s just a con, you can choose not to participate.
Act First: When you experience fear, anxiety, doubt or other limiting feelings, remember it’s just the Mob Boss trying to pull a con. Say to yourself: “This isn’t the real me. Go away Mob Boss. I’m safe without a bodyguard.” You might be surprised by what happens!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Has Kid Logic Hijacked Your Journey?
This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
Previously we drove into the first piece: Your Good Heart. This week we’ll look at the second one – KID LOGIC. Most patterns we repeat began long ago in childhood. Therefore, these behaviors have their origins in a naive, less mature perspective. This vantage point is called “kid logic.” You chose a solution based on what worked and made sense as a kid.
It’s not surprising then, if sometimes you question why you respond the ways you do or wonder why your reaction feels incongruent with who you really are. Your reaction is couched in the coping skills of a child, not as the capable adult and divine being you really are. So if you find yourself shutting down or using a small, high voice when things aren’t going the way you’d like, you probably found that to be an effective strategy as a toddler or unrestrained child. If you respond to disapproval, disappointment or anger by walking on eggs shells, you probably experienced fear or rejection as a child.
People Pleasing is connected to all or nothing thinking. Again this is a hallmark of kid logic. It makes perfect sense that a child would fear being abandoned if they fall out of favor with important, powerful adults. Children believe if they displease people, rejection will be permanent. Kids conclude they are at risk to be lost, alone and unloved forever. Kid Logic connects approval to survival. As a result, kids will do anything to please their parents if they feel the threat of rejection looming.
Left unchecked, People Pleasers brings Kid Logic forward into adulthood. Do you find yourself jumping to defend one or both of your parents? Do you feel an inner pull to protect or save your children, spouse or partner? Do you go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disappointing others?
This is a sure sign that you scrambled to keep your parents happy, learned to take the blame when they became upset or carried the responsibility of caretaking the emotional needs of others as a child. Kid logic has hitched a ride along the way to show up in your adult dealing too, even though you’re so much more capable now then you were as a kid. A child needs to know they are loved unconditionally to avoid the snares of people pleasing and other dysfunctional traps. Most parents, teachers and other adults aren’t equipped to help kids comply with household or classroom rules or religious standards without placing conditions upon the child’s innate goodness. Even if the parent only means to modify behavior, they leave children with the message that they are acceptable only if they obey. This is to say nothering of the scars left by adults who intentionally abuse their power over children.
The buttons parents press to motivate their children to comply are the same soft spots that leave People Pleasers open to peer pressure in the future. The seeds of People Pleasing are planted early and continue to sprout.
Because children are designed to blame themselves, you may have learned to question if you are lovable and worthy. Kids are preprogrammed to conclude:
•“I’m a bad, stupid kid. I deserved to get hit (yelled at, rejected, ignored, put down, etc.). If I was good they wouldn’t have to punish me.”
•“I’m mad at my parents (or feel unprotected) but I can’t show it, so I have to shove my anger and sadness inside.”
•“My parents don’t seem to be able to take care of things around here very well. I better step up and be strong or we’re all in serious trouble.”
Kid Logic lures you to become hypercritical of yourself. When you encounter a difficult situation you may automatically revert to how you’ve handled a situation that made you feel uncomfortable in the past. Remember you have SO many more tools and emotional resources available to you now than you did when you were a kid.
How to Disconnect Kid Logic: Rather than use old habits that kid logic tries to entice you to employ, imagine how you would have handled a tough situation from childhood knowing all you know now. Replay that scenario in your mind using the coping skills you have now that you’ve grown up. This process cuts the ties to these old habits.
When Kid Logic tempts you to use old patterns to solve your current challenges, remember you don’t have to revert of the knee jerk solutions you picked up as a kid. You can move forward with your best foot forward and most mature approach.
When you check Kid Logic at the door you’ll stop stumbling over old ways of being and open the door to your best life!
GH + KL + MB = PH
Good Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
Previously we drove into the first piece: Your Good Heart. This week we’ll look at the second one – KID LOGIC. Most patterns we repeat began long ago in childhood. Therefore, these behaviors have their origins in a naive, less mature perspective. This vantage point is called “kid logic.” You chose a solution based on what worked and made sense as a kid.
It’s not surprising then, if sometimes you question why you respond the ways you do or wonder why your reaction feels incongruent with who you really are. Your reaction is couched in the coping skills of a child, not as the capable adult and divine being you really are. So if you find yourself shutting down or using a small, high voice when things aren’t going the way you’d like, you probably found that to be an effective strategy as a toddler or unrestrained child. If you respond to disapproval, disappointment or anger by walking on eggs shells, you probably experienced fear or rejection as a child.
People Pleasing is connected to all or nothing thinking. Again this is a hallmark of kid logic. It makes perfect sense that a child would fear being abandoned if they fall out of favor with important, powerful adults. Children believe if they displease people, rejection will be permanent. Kids conclude they are at risk to be lost, alone and unloved forever. Kid Logic connects approval to survival. As a result, kids will do anything to please their parents if they feel the threat of rejection looming.
Left unchecked, People Pleasers brings Kid Logic forward into adulthood. Do you find yourself jumping to defend one or both of your parents? Do you feel an inner pull to protect or save your children, spouse or partner? Do you go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disappointing others?
This is a sure sign that you scrambled to keep your parents happy, learned to take the blame when they became upset or carried the responsibility of caretaking the emotional needs of others as a child. Kid logic has hitched a ride along the way to show up in your adult dealing too, even though you’re so much more capable now then you were as a kid. A child needs to know they are loved unconditionally to avoid the snares of people pleasing and other dysfunctional traps. Most parents, teachers and other adults aren’t equipped to help kids comply with household or classroom rules or religious standards without placing conditions upon the child’s innate goodness. Even if the parent only means to modify behavior, they leave children with the message that they are acceptable only if they obey. This is to say nothering of the scars left by adults who intentionally abuse their power over children.
The buttons parents press to motivate their children to comply are the same soft spots that leave People Pleasers open to peer pressure in the future. The seeds of People Pleasing are planted early and continue to sprout.
Because children are designed to blame themselves, you may have learned to question if you are lovable and worthy. Kids are preprogrammed to conclude:
•“I’m a bad, stupid kid. I deserved to get hit (yelled at, rejected, ignored, put down, etc.). If I was good they wouldn’t have to punish me.”
•“I’m mad at my parents (or feel unprotected) but I can’t show it, so I have to shove my anger and sadness inside.”
•“My parents don’t seem to be able to take care of things around here very well. I better step up and be strong or we’re all in serious trouble.”
Kid Logic lures you to become hypercritical of yourself. When you encounter a difficult situation you may automatically revert to how you’ve handled a situation that made you feel uncomfortable in the past. Remember you have SO many more tools and emotional resources available to you now than you did when you were a kid.
How to Disconnect Kid Logic: Rather than use old habits that kid logic tries to entice you to employ, imagine how you would have handled a tough situation from childhood knowing all you know now. Replay that scenario in your mind using the coping skills you have now that you’ve grown up. This process cuts the ties to these old habits.
When Kid Logic tempts you to use old patterns to solve your current challenges, remember you don’t have to revert of the knee jerk solutions you picked up as a kid. You can move forward with your best foot forward and most mature approach.
When you check Kid Logic at the door you’ll stop stumbling over old ways of being and open the door to your best life!
Friday, April 22, 2011
The 85% Rule
The 85% Rule
The 85% Rule is ideal when you’re stuck due to irritation or anger with someone else's behavior.
The 85% Rule is:
85% of other people’s behavior is about them. It has nothing to do with you. Your inner filter determines the other 15%.
If another person is mean, rude or disrespectful, it’s because THEY are mean, rude or disrespectful. It has nothing to do with you. This is when your internal filter comes into play. You may believe others target you specifically or you deserve that level of treatment. Your filter determines your interpretation of other people’s actions and whether or not you choose to get attached to or sucked in by drama.
Your filter also colors how you choose to react and respond. Sometimes we get a great deal of satisfaction by sharing our tales of woe of how someone else has offended us. We wear the badge of “victim” with pride, as a sign and signal of how wounded we are. (This is a perfect excuse to rationalize and avoid responsibility for why things aren’t working in your life by the way. Avoid this trap!) How much time do you want to spend letting mean, rude, disrespectful people run your life or determine your mood? Let it go. Their behavior reflects on them. Your behavior reflects on you. Reflect your best by choosing to operate from a place of peace and strength.
“The big thing is not what happens to us in life - but what we do about what happens to us." - George Allen
Complaining about or paying attention to the ways others have offended you indicates that, on some level, you’re in the habit of being treated in this manner. You may even believe you deserve it. If your filter is set up to respond to acts of “disrespect” you’re going to be triggered by them. For example, my client “Chris” grew up as a scapegoat. He was blamed for every wrong doing in his family. As a result, he learned to interpret other people’s comments as criticism. This started out as a way to protect himself, but over time this became a habit of fear-based mindset and behaviors. He responded defensively and often over reacted to someone’s neutral comment, perpetuating the cycle of rejection.
As we worked to clear his anger, grief and guilt about the mistreatment he experienced throughout his life, he was able to lower his internal threat level. Merely understanding that his reactions were triggered by damage from his past, gave Chris a greater sense of control. Cleaning up his filter and lowering his inner threat level allowed Chris to detach emotionally from other people’s behaviors. He began to experience less stress because he no longer automatically assigned a negative connotation to other people’s action and comments. Chris did not perceive as much judgment from others. Reducing defensiveness gave him the opportunity to respond deliberately, therefore more effectively. People enjoyed his company more and he found less conflict. Not only was he more at peace, but found strength in his ability to guide the course of his interactions to get the results he desired.
Follow these steps when you find a person or situation upsetting:
1. Remember 85% of their behavior is about them only.
You are not to blame. You are not responsible for their actions. You cannot control their choices and actions. Let it go!
2. Ask yourself: What does the present situation remind you of?
What experiences from your past entice you to respond defensively? If you find yourself attracting disrespectful people, it’s because your underlying energies match. They’re looking to irritate someone and, on some level, you’re looking to be irritated. The person you’re triggered by may be in your life to help you learn how to let go of trivial stuff (even when your inner tape is working to convince you it’s crucial to win.)
This irritating person may be just the lesson you need to practice putting your full attention on living your best life. Or maybe that person wants to sabotage your growth. Either way you loose when you choose to let them set the tone. Your inner tape determines which behaviors bug you versus other stuff that rolls off your back. As this tape plays in your head, it creates your interpretation of any event. You assign meaning to your experiences. Record a new tape to clean the gunk out of your filter so fewer things stick to it.
If you find yourself irritated or offended by someone, interrupt the inner tape that is attempting to suck you into drama. Remind yourself other peoples’ behavior doesn’t have to mean what you’ve thought it meant in the past. Recall the 85% Rule. Disconnect from this low-value energy activity and refuse to be pulled down in the muck. Their behavior is not about you. LET IT GO!
Use the 85% Rule to see their bad behavior for what it is: a reflection on them, not you. The changes you’ll see from making this shift will blow your mind!!!
The 85% Rule is ideal when you’re stuck due to irritation or anger with someone else's behavior.
The 85% Rule is:
85% of other people’s behavior is about them. It has nothing to do with you. Your inner filter determines the other 15%.
If another person is mean, rude or disrespectful, it’s because THEY are mean, rude or disrespectful. It has nothing to do with you. This is when your internal filter comes into play. You may believe others target you specifically or you deserve that level of treatment. Your filter determines your interpretation of other people’s actions and whether or not you choose to get attached to or sucked in by drama.
Your filter also colors how you choose to react and respond. Sometimes we get a great deal of satisfaction by sharing our tales of woe of how someone else has offended us. We wear the badge of “victim” with pride, as a sign and signal of how wounded we are. (This is a perfect excuse to rationalize and avoid responsibility for why things aren’t working in your life by the way. Avoid this trap!) How much time do you want to spend letting mean, rude, disrespectful people run your life or determine your mood? Let it go. Their behavior reflects on them. Your behavior reflects on you. Reflect your best by choosing to operate from a place of peace and strength.
“The big thing is not what happens to us in life - but what we do about what happens to us." - George Allen
Complaining about or paying attention to the ways others have offended you indicates that, on some level, you’re in the habit of being treated in this manner. You may even believe you deserve it. If your filter is set up to respond to acts of “disrespect” you’re going to be triggered by them. For example, my client “Chris” grew up as a scapegoat. He was blamed for every wrong doing in his family. As a result, he learned to interpret other people’s comments as criticism. This started out as a way to protect himself, but over time this became a habit of fear-based mindset and behaviors. He responded defensively and often over reacted to someone’s neutral comment, perpetuating the cycle of rejection.
As we worked to clear his anger, grief and guilt about the mistreatment he experienced throughout his life, he was able to lower his internal threat level. Merely understanding that his reactions were triggered by damage from his past, gave Chris a greater sense of control. Cleaning up his filter and lowering his inner threat level allowed Chris to detach emotionally from other people’s behaviors. He began to experience less stress because he no longer automatically assigned a negative connotation to other people’s action and comments. Chris did not perceive as much judgment from others. Reducing defensiveness gave him the opportunity to respond deliberately, therefore more effectively. People enjoyed his company more and he found less conflict. Not only was he more at peace, but found strength in his ability to guide the course of his interactions to get the results he desired.
Follow these steps when you find a person or situation upsetting:
1. Remember 85% of their behavior is about them only.
You are not to blame. You are not responsible for their actions. You cannot control their choices and actions. Let it go!
2. Ask yourself: What does the present situation remind you of?
What experiences from your past entice you to respond defensively? If you find yourself attracting disrespectful people, it’s because your underlying energies match. They’re looking to irritate someone and, on some level, you’re looking to be irritated. The person you’re triggered by may be in your life to help you learn how to let go of trivial stuff (even when your inner tape is working to convince you it’s crucial to win.)
This irritating person may be just the lesson you need to practice putting your full attention on living your best life. Or maybe that person wants to sabotage your growth. Either way you loose when you choose to let them set the tone. Your inner tape determines which behaviors bug you versus other stuff that rolls off your back. As this tape plays in your head, it creates your interpretation of any event. You assign meaning to your experiences. Record a new tape to clean the gunk out of your filter so fewer things stick to it.
If you find yourself irritated or offended by someone, interrupt the inner tape that is attempting to suck you into drama. Remind yourself other peoples’ behavior doesn’t have to mean what you’ve thought it meant in the past. Recall the 85% Rule. Disconnect from this low-value energy activity and refuse to be pulled down in the muck. Their behavior is not about you. LET IT GO!
Use the 85% Rule to see their bad behavior for what it is: a reflection on them, not you. The changes you’ll see from making this shift will blow your mind!!!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Check Your Filter
How about all this snow! Did you know currently 49 of the 50 states (even Hawaii!) have snow. The widespread cold snap reminded me to clean our furnace filter. The metaphor of this chore lead me to ponder...Is my internal filter effecting my ability to be warm and comfortable?
A couple years years after we bought our first house, we had our furnace serviced. The technician asked me how often we replace or clean out our filter. He was floored when I told her we’d never cleaned out the filter. He gave me a long lecture about how important it is to regularly check and maintain the filter to it stays clean. He educated me about how much harder the furnace has to work when the filter is dirty, and how much more energy it takes to produce warmth when the filter is bogged down with gunk. Not only was this a great lesson in home maintainence, but also a perfect metaphor for life.
We each have an inner filter through which we see and experience the world. The filter creates your perspective on life. It determines your intrepration of other people actions and how you choose to respond. Your filter also creates the expectations you have for what is or is not possible in your life.
Your filter gets dirty when you stay connected to past pain,fear, guilt or ways people have offended you in the past. If you don’t regularly clean out your filter, it becomes clogged with anger, resentment and bitterness. Your filter causes you to assign meaning to situations you encounter. This meaning creates the rules, excuses and reasons you use to rationalize staying stuck hold you back from pursuing what you want most in life. Would it surprise you to learn that you’ve decided what other people’s actions are about. Would you be shocked to learn their behaviors don’t have to mean what believed all along?
More importantly, your filter creates the energy people pick up from you. Have you ever encountered someone who makes you feel better just to be around them? How about someone who just makes you feel drained or creeped out? This is a reflection of their inner filter. What expereince do you want people to have when they’re around you? Is your energy attractive or repellant? If you want to attract more good stuff in your life, clean out your filter.
When your filter as clean as possible, there’s less gunk to which negativity you encounter can get stuck. You’re able to experience irritating or difficult people and situations without being offended or bothered. Instead of getting stuck, their bad energy just passes right through. You can be uneffected by their pessemistic, draining approach or, even rudeness.
Having a clean filter allows you to be proactive rather than reactive; optimistic versus pessimistic; generous over stingy and confident not fearful. As you clear out your filter, your actions will lead people to view you as confident, authentic and uplifting. Elevating your energy level in this way will attract people and opportunities to you that are just what you need to be happy.
What people and experiences would you like to attract? True Friends? Mentors? Pleasant interactions with acquaintances and strangers? Divine Intimate Relationships? Improved co-parenting with your exspouse? Deep, loving parenting/child relationships? Cooperative, supportive friends and family?
To keep your inner filter clean, follow the advice of my furnace repairman:
1. Make a habit of looking at your filter regularly. (He says once a month for the furnace; I say once a day for your inner filter)
2. Clean your filter by letting go of your attachment to other people’s filters. Let it go!
3. When you find yourself getting triggered by something sticking in your filter, notice what the current situation reminds you of. It’s very likely you’re responding to layers of gunk and pain, not just what’s going on right now.
4. Deal with the core of what’s really bothering you and let go of past hurt and pain. Move forward with a clean filter and approach to life.
When you clean out your filter, you’ll find you don’t have to work so hard to function. You’ll be more comfortable, using far less energy. A clean filter makes it so much easier to have warmth in your heart and in your home.
A couple years years after we bought our first house, we had our furnace serviced. The technician asked me how often we replace or clean out our filter. He was floored when I told her we’d never cleaned out the filter. He gave me a long lecture about how important it is to regularly check and maintain the filter to it stays clean. He educated me about how much harder the furnace has to work when the filter is dirty, and how much more energy it takes to produce warmth when the filter is bogged down with gunk. Not only was this a great lesson in home maintainence, but also a perfect metaphor for life.
We each have an inner filter through which we see and experience the world. The filter creates your perspective on life. It determines your intrepration of other people actions and how you choose to respond. Your filter also creates the expectations you have for what is or is not possible in your life.
Your filter gets dirty when you stay connected to past pain,fear, guilt or ways people have offended you in the past. If you don’t regularly clean out your filter, it becomes clogged with anger, resentment and bitterness. Your filter causes you to assign meaning to situations you encounter. This meaning creates the rules, excuses and reasons you use to rationalize staying stuck hold you back from pursuing what you want most in life. Would it surprise you to learn that you’ve decided what other people’s actions are about. Would you be shocked to learn their behaviors don’t have to mean what believed all along?
More importantly, your filter creates the energy people pick up from you. Have you ever encountered someone who makes you feel better just to be around them? How about someone who just makes you feel drained or creeped out? This is a reflection of their inner filter. What expereince do you want people to have when they’re around you? Is your energy attractive or repellant? If you want to attract more good stuff in your life, clean out your filter.
When your filter as clean as possible, there’s less gunk to which negativity you encounter can get stuck. You’re able to experience irritating or difficult people and situations without being offended or bothered. Instead of getting stuck, their bad energy just passes right through. You can be uneffected by their pessemistic, draining approach or, even rudeness.
Having a clean filter allows you to be proactive rather than reactive; optimistic versus pessimistic; generous over stingy and confident not fearful. As you clear out your filter, your actions will lead people to view you as confident, authentic and uplifting. Elevating your energy level in this way will attract people and opportunities to you that are just what you need to be happy.
What people and experiences would you like to attract? True Friends? Mentors? Pleasant interactions with acquaintances and strangers? Divine Intimate Relationships? Improved co-parenting with your exspouse? Deep, loving parenting/child relationships? Cooperative, supportive friends and family?
To keep your inner filter clean, follow the advice of my furnace repairman:
1. Make a habit of looking at your filter regularly. (He says once a month for the furnace; I say once a day for your inner filter)
2. Clean your filter by letting go of your attachment to other people’s filters. Let it go!
3. When you find yourself getting triggered by something sticking in your filter, notice what the current situation reminds you of. It’s very likely you’re responding to layers of gunk and pain, not just what’s going on right now.
4. Deal with the core of what’s really bothering you and let go of past hurt and pain. Move forward with a clean filter and approach to life.
When you clean out your filter, you’ll find you don’t have to work so hard to function. You’ll be more comfortable, using far less energy. A clean filter makes it so much easier to have warmth in your heart and in your home.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Got Inner Critic?
Our family spent this past weekend at our son’s basketball tournament. Witnessing and being involved with our kids’ activities is one of my favorite ways to spend time. It’s such a joy to watch them grow and develop as people as they stretch themselves to try new and bigger things. They inspire me to keep pushing myself too!
I’m routinely impressed with what great basketball players 11 year olds can be! It’s so much fun to see the kids learning the life-long lessons of character and confidence that playing sports brings. Our team played so well together, that they earned their way to the championship game. With 5 seconds to go in the championship our team was up 2 points. With an unbelievable shot, the other team hit a 3-point basket at the buzzer to win by one. The kids were devastated! (as were the coaches and more than a few parents) They’d worked so hard and were seconds from victory only to have it dissolve in front of their eyes.
Our coaches teach the boys to show grace and sportsmanship in both victory and defeat, so the boys demonstrated great poise in the face of their disappointment. I was so inspired by the resilience and strength of character they mustered even though their view was blurred by tears. They are great examples of how to handle challenges life throws our way.
I was so impressed with how well the kids managed their heartbreak…at least on the outside. I couldn’t help but wonder what they were each thinking on the inside. It reminded me of my favorite definition of self-esteem: “Self esteem is what you say to yourself with things aren’t going well.”
What do you say to yourself when things aren’t going well?
The answer to this question reflects your self worth and beliefs about what’s possible in your life. If your self image whispers, “You don’t deserve it.” or “You can’t do it.” it’ll overpower your strongest desires to achieve your goals and dreams. Even if you want something desperately, you will struggle to make it happen as long as your self-esteem has its foot on the brake.
The thoughts that enter your mind when the chips are down are a voice-over loop of messages you’ve received throughout your life. If you’re hard on yourself or put yourself down when challenges arise it’s because that’s what you’ve been taught to do. This tape may have been playing in your head for so long you might not even realize it’s not supposed to be there. You might think that’s just how everyone thinks. Would it surprise you to know you can erase and re-record something different? It’s time to record a new message and stop being so hard on yourself so you can boost your enthusiasm and ability to attract all you desire.
You must learn to be more kind to yourself. Yet, I know, this is easier said than done. I want to give you the tools you need to overcome obstacles along your path. Here’s the step-by-step process you can use time and again to shift to a kinder, gentler mindset when things aren’t going the way you’d like.
1. Notice when your voice over is sending negative messages.
2. Interrupt these thoughts in their tracks – say stop.
3. Replace them with positive messages.
4. If the messages continue to punish or battle with you, consider what purpose this pain can serve. Is there a lesson here that could help you grow? Can you use this struggle to inspire others?
Repeat this process any time you find your inner critic nagging at you throughout your day.
Coming up with new, positive messages can be difficult if criticism comes more naturally. Try these tips to create affirmations
· State the opposite of what your inner critic or fear-based thought is trying to say (I deserve to be treated with respect.)
· Base it on your strengths (I have a good heart.)
· Lend yourself the same compassion you’d offer a small, scared child who’s upset and crying. (It’s going to be ok. I’m sorry it’s so hard today.)
· Force yourself to come up with exceptions to the negative label your inner critic is trying to convince you of (It’s ok to ask for what I want. Asking for what I want doesn’t make me selfish. I’m generous and kind. Like the time I volunteered to …)
· What would your biggest fan, soul mate or higher power say they appreciate about you? (You have so many special gifts. For example, you were born to teach.)
· Underneath, what do you sense is your purpose? How can you connect this challenge to the values that matter to you most? (I feel broken, like damaged goods because I was abused as a kid. I can’t accept I am special and wonderful yet. If I could bring some good from my pain it might help. Maybe I can volunteer at or fundraise for a foundation that helps abused kids.)
Give yourself credit for the pain you’ve experienced in the past. I’m grateful that you developed ways to cope so you could arrive here at this point in your life. Use your own inner strength to keep moving forward. You’re stonger and more wonderful than you give yourself credit for. Yet those old coping mechanisms are no longer serving you well. It’s time to let them go and allow for an image of yourself that reflects your divine gifts and purpose. It’s time to remember who you were born to be.
You deserve to be treated with kindness and dignity. If you wince at the thought of this idea, that’s a signal that your self esteem has taken a beating. Trust that I believe in your intrinsic value and worth enough for the both of us, until you come to know it for yourself.
I’m routinely impressed with what great basketball players 11 year olds can be! It’s so much fun to see the kids learning the life-long lessons of character and confidence that playing sports brings. Our team played so well together, that they earned their way to the championship game. With 5 seconds to go in the championship our team was up 2 points. With an unbelievable shot, the other team hit a 3-point basket at the buzzer to win by one. The kids were devastated! (as were the coaches and more than a few parents) They’d worked so hard and were seconds from victory only to have it dissolve in front of their eyes.
Our coaches teach the boys to show grace and sportsmanship in both victory and defeat, so the boys demonstrated great poise in the face of their disappointment. I was so inspired by the resilience and strength of character they mustered even though their view was blurred by tears. They are great examples of how to handle challenges life throws our way.
I was so impressed with how well the kids managed their heartbreak…at least on the outside. I couldn’t help but wonder what they were each thinking on the inside. It reminded me of my favorite definition of self-esteem: “Self esteem is what you say to yourself with things aren’t going well.”
What do you say to yourself when things aren’t going well?
The answer to this question reflects your self worth and beliefs about what’s possible in your life. If your self image whispers, “You don’t deserve it.” or “You can’t do it.” it’ll overpower your strongest desires to achieve your goals and dreams. Even if you want something desperately, you will struggle to make it happen as long as your self-esteem has its foot on the brake.
The thoughts that enter your mind when the chips are down are a voice-over loop of messages you’ve received throughout your life. If you’re hard on yourself or put yourself down when challenges arise it’s because that’s what you’ve been taught to do. This tape may have been playing in your head for so long you might not even realize it’s not supposed to be there. You might think that’s just how everyone thinks. Would it surprise you to know you can erase and re-record something different? It’s time to record a new message and stop being so hard on yourself so you can boost your enthusiasm and ability to attract all you desire.
You must learn to be more kind to yourself. Yet, I know, this is easier said than done. I want to give you the tools you need to overcome obstacles along your path. Here’s the step-by-step process you can use time and again to shift to a kinder, gentler mindset when things aren’t going the way you’d like.
1. Notice when your voice over is sending negative messages.
2. Interrupt these thoughts in their tracks – say stop.
3. Replace them with positive messages.
4. If the messages continue to punish or battle with you, consider what purpose this pain can serve. Is there a lesson here that could help you grow? Can you use this struggle to inspire others?
Repeat this process any time you find your inner critic nagging at you throughout your day.
Coming up with new, positive messages can be difficult if criticism comes more naturally. Try these tips to create affirmations
· State the opposite of what your inner critic or fear-based thought is trying to say (I deserve to be treated with respect.)
· Base it on your strengths (I have a good heart.)
· Lend yourself the same compassion you’d offer a small, scared child who’s upset and crying. (It’s going to be ok. I’m sorry it’s so hard today.)
· Force yourself to come up with exceptions to the negative label your inner critic is trying to convince you of (It’s ok to ask for what I want. Asking for what I want doesn’t make me selfish. I’m generous and kind. Like the time I volunteered to …)
· What would your biggest fan, soul mate or higher power say they appreciate about you? (You have so many special gifts. For example, you were born to teach.)
· Underneath, what do you sense is your purpose? How can you connect this challenge to the values that matter to you most? (I feel broken, like damaged goods because I was abused as a kid. I can’t accept I am special and wonderful yet. If I could bring some good from my pain it might help. Maybe I can volunteer at or fundraise for a foundation that helps abused kids.)
Give yourself credit for the pain you’ve experienced in the past. I’m grateful that you developed ways to cope so you could arrive here at this point in your life. Use your own inner strength to keep moving forward. You’re stonger and more wonderful than you give yourself credit for. Yet those old coping mechanisms are no longer serving you well. It’s time to let them go and allow for an image of yourself that reflects your divine gifts and purpose. It’s time to remember who you were born to be.
You deserve to be treated with kindness and dignity. If you wince at the thought of this idea, that’s a signal that your self esteem has taken a beating. Trust that I believe in your intrinsic value and worth enough for the both of us, until you come to know it for yourself.
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