The Third Element: Mob Boss
This month we’re exploring the elements of the Pleaseaholic Formula:
GH + KL + MB = PHGood Heart + Kid Logic + Mob Boss = Pleaseaholic
So far we’ve talked about the first two pieces - Good Heart and Kid Logic. This week we’ll dig into the role of the MOB BOSS. Did you know you have an inner mafia? Well it’s true! Here’s why.We are all born with an ego that’s programmed to look out for our survival. Your ego’s main function is to manage automatic responses meant to keep you safe. It assesses threats to your physical and emotional health. To make your environment safe and predictable, your ego automatically sends up flares to help you avoid things that could bring you pain. It’s there to protect you, kind of like a bodyguard.
When your Bodyguard senses something or someone similar to a threat that caused you pain in the past, it zaps you to preserve your well being. These signals come in the form of fear, anxiety, guilt and vigilance. This triggers Kid Logic (Pleaseaholic Formula element #2) to start searching for solutions. Kid Logic connects approval with survival. If your past experiences with authority figures left you feeling the best way to earn their love, acceptance or approval is to comply, you can easily slip into people pleasing.
Ironically even though the Bodyguard is supposed to prevent pain, it only speaks the language of fear; a kind of pain in and of itself. When the Bodyguard is trying to get your attention it’ll send fear to prevent you from approaching touchy or dangerous situations. Your bodyguard advises you to adopt cooperation on steroids to avoid pain. While effective at first, these strategies end up being super dysfunctional over time. Imagine the ping pong ball effect this has. You experience something unpleasant so your Bodyguard adds that to the list of things to fear. This leaves you bouncing between things that are actually unpleasant and on alert fearing things that MIGHT be unpleasant. It’s a pretty lose-lose situation. No wonder you’re so exhausted!
The ego’s other job it to keep itself alive. Even as you begin to consider changes in your life that make the Bodyguard less necessary (for example, saying no and setting better boundaries), it will fight you. The ego wants to preserve itself so it can continue to serve as your bodyguard, protecting you from things that might make you uncomfortable, scared or vulnerable. The problem is it doesn’t realize you’re no longer a kid. You don’t need a Bodyguard to be safe any more.
BODY GUARD TURNED MOB BOSS
Over time this bodyguard morphs into a mob boss. Just as the Godfather offers unsolicited favors, then comes calling for “pay back” from unsuspecting victims, your ego starts out as a benevolent bodyguard, working to keep you safe. Then it unsuspectingly places you in a trap of fears, doubts, sadness, anxiety or guilt. Your Mob Boss makes it feel difficult, or even life threatening, to consider change or stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s the emotional equivalent of a horse head in your bed. The bodyguard convinces you that you “owe it” for providing protection in the past. You feel captive and beholden to it. Without knowing why, a voice in your head tells you to fear change. The Mob Boss is the source of guilt, fear, unworthiness, depression, anxiety or doubt you encounter that keep you stuck.
It can feel literally life threatening to step out of old roles and patterns connected to People Pleasing. Your Bodyguard has convinced you that to be safe, worthy and valuable you must make those around you happy, even at your own expense. You “pay” the mob boss in the form of staying stuck, struggling to say no, questioning your own thoughts, wishes and worthiness, tolerating dysfunctional relationships and battling a relentless inner critic. What was originally set up to help you safely navigate your world has turned into a prison. The mob boss will tend to show up in consistent ways over your life. As you make strides to separate from old patterns, you’ll feel a renewed sense of freedom and satisfaction. Then a challenging situation will erupt, and your Mob Boss will tempt you to return to the comforts of old coping strategies.
Just like the mob, just when you think you’re out, your ego pulls you back in. However, like most bullies, when the Mob Boss is confronted it backs down. Gladly the Mob Boss doesn’t require you to forcefully confront it in order to break free. Rather, I’ve seen time and time again that just acknowledging that the critical, fearful voice in your head is the Mob Boss is enough to get you into witness protection. Now that you know it’s just a con, you can choose not to participate.
Act First: When you experience fear, anxiety, doubt or other limiting feelings, remember it’s just the Mob Boss trying to pull a con. Say to yourself: “This isn’t the real me. Go away Mob Boss. I’m safe without a bodyguard.” You might be surprised by what happens!
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